Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

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That Time I Learned Something New About Myself

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When I was just getting started in my career, a slightly old friend passed along some advice.

“If anyone important asks you to lunch,” she said, “make sure you order steak tartare and Scotch neat, just to show them how tough you are.”

My nose wrinkled at the thought of raw meat mixed with raw egg yolk and firewater for lunch. It’s highly probable that I responded with, “I dunno. How about a Cobb salad and a Diet Coke?”

Truth is, I’ve never been one to choose something just to make a point. It’s not how I’m wired.

Plus, even at a young age, I had decided that Scotch was not the distilled spirit for me.

I mean, Scotch. Just the sound of it conjures up people with expense account lunches and questionable moral underpinnings. Like club members at a club I wouldn’t want to join. Like your lawyer’s lawyer’s drink of choice.

I wrote off Scotch years ago with the throwaway line, “I am not grown-up enough for Scotch.” Oh, I had tried it, like everyone did. And it smoked, and burned, and made my eyes water, and was highly unpleasant. So deciding I wasn’t a Scotch drinker was easy – I merrily went along my way without the slightest bit of angst that I was missing something by exempting whisky.

Until, that is, I went to Scotland this summer and my mind changed.

Because there in the windswept Orkney Islands, I was finally taught how to drink whisky properly.

Hadn’t realized there was a right and a wrong way to drink liquor until a wise, gruff Viking of a man opened my mind and showed me a thing or two. Turns out I had been doing it wrong.

He taught me that fine single malt whisky needs to be treated the way you’d treat a fine red wine. You drink it warm. In a small, special glass. Maybe add a drop of water to open up the flavors.

I mean, who knew Scotch even had flavors?

You sip it. You let the flavors settle in. You appreciate the long finish.

You enjoy, in a slow and reasoned way.

And guess what? The whisky I drank became a pleasure.

The thing I thought I was not grown-up enough for became something I was excited to learn more about.

All I needed was to be taught by someone with deep knowledge.

Funny, huh?

Now that I’m home, I find my mind turning to other areas of my life where this might also be true. What could I possibly come to enjoy if I were just taught by the right person?

It’s a great question, isn’t it? And perhaps one you can ask yourself today, too.

Because the world is a big place, just packed with interesting things to learn and do. And, asking to be taught a thing or two by someone with deep knowledge isn’t a sign of weakness – maybe it’s your passport to new adventures.

 

Worth Failing For

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Workshop and seminar leaders, Little League coaches and life coaches, parents and priests. What do they possibly have in common?

My guess is that at some point or the other they may have asked someone, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

They ask this question in an attempt to figure out goals and dreams. To understand where someone might be holding themselves back out of fear of failing. To inspire.

All well and good.

The amazing, inspiring Brené Brown, though, asks the question in a powerful and different way.

She asks, “What’s worth failing for?”

I mean, really. Brené nails it. That is one piercing question.

So, let me ask you: What are you willing to stand up for? What are you willing to use your voice for?

Regardless of the consequences?

What do you love enough to risk everything for?

I ask it that way because I know myself and if my kids were ever threatened, I’d put myself between them and harm’s way in a nanosecond.

It comes down to this, then: Love is absolutely worth failing for.

Because I love so deeply and passionately about what’s happening in our world, I am conscious that I must my voice to say the things that need to be said. I am willing to put myself out there even if people disagree with me.

(And as an aside – disagreement doesn’t need to mean the end of a relationship. In fact, disagreement can bring people closer together as they grow to understand each other. Remember that next time you get in a Twitter war, will you?)

You may find this hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I swallowed my words because I felt as though there was going to be a tough consequence if I spoke up. It was only after I was clear of this situation that I realized the toll silence took on me. And I felt the relief and coming-home-ness which came from learning to use my voice again.

When you look at things not from a vantage point of “how can I make sure I don’t lose?” but from the “what am I willing to lose for?” things change.

Even in the face of sure loss.

Even when things are tough.

Even when you know you are not going to win.

When you show up as yourself, put it out there, own it, love it…you’ve already won.

And whatever happens next doesn’t even matter.

Prepared? Or Just Reacting?

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There are a lot of choices you make in the course of your day.

Paper or plastic.

Doughnuts or vegetables.

Car or bus.

Honesty or fudging.

Tweeting or keeping your thoughts to yourself.

So many choices.

There’s one big, unspoken choice many of us feel like we have no choice about at all: whether to be prepared or to simply react.

When I’m called into an underfunctioning organization with underfunctioning leaders, know what I see most often? Folks in back-to-back meetings from 8:15am until 6:30pm (or later), every single day with no time to prepare for any of these meetings let alone prepare for tomorrow’s meetings. They just sit in their chair at the table in the conference room and do their best to wing it based on what they know in the moment.

What’s the problem with that, you ask? Doesn’t that just mean that the work they’re doing is critically important? That they are a fast-paced, high-stakes, high-pressure, cool kids sort of organization?

Let me get back to that and tell you a story first.

I was an advanceman at the White House, and in a bunch of campaigns. The job of the advanceman is to go ahead of the principal and set everything up in advance (get it?) so the events flow easily and go off without a hitch.

For multi-day meetings with other foreign leaders, we might have five to six weeks of preparation and would get our schedule down to a minute-by-minute timeline.

This was all about being prepared.

Which really paid off when the event was underway and something unexpected happened. Like, meetings ran too long. Or news broke elsewhere. Or the button popped off the President’s suit coat (really happened. It was sewn back on by the traveling nurse with suture since no one had a sewing kit).

Through all my years of this kind of work, I discovered that the more prepared I was, the better I was able to react. Preparation had given me a container to work within, and even if something happened I hadn’t planned for I was able to get back on track quickly – because I was prepared to execute successfully.

Today’s workplace has lost the ability to prepare, it seems to me. We’re all about reacting.

And there is a certain adrenaline rush to being fully in reactive mode. It’s like being on the back of a bucking bronco, holding on for dear life. That frisson of energy: Can I pull it off?

Plus, there’s a lot of drama involved with living in a reactive mode which is entirely intoxicating to many, many people in the average office.

Finally, when you’re simply reacting with no preparation, it’s super easy to say, “Well, that went badly. Too bad we didn’t have time to think it through! We’ll get ’em next time!” and folks escape all responsibility for a less than ideal outcome.

Some folks like this. A lot.

So they spend more than 95% of their time reacting and, if they’re lucky, less than 5% prepping.

I’d like to propose a new approach to our days. What do you think would be different in your life if you spent 60% of your time preparing and 40% reacting? What could you achieve?

What if, rather than back-to-back meetings, you had back-to-back planning time?

What if every meeting you did attend was focused on preparation? What if every meeting drove toward decision-making, backed up by prep done in advance of the meeting?

What could you accomplish if you actually had time to think during the day?

The current paradigm of “You know you’re important if you have no time to actually get anything done” has got to go. People who are too busy to perform – don’t answer email, can’t take phone calls, winging meetings, on the road and unavailable all the time – are not cool.

They’re actually holding everyone else back.

I challenge you – especially if you lead a group of people and are intent upon reaching certain goals and even if you’re a full-time parent or retiree – to flip your paradigm away from willy-nilly reaction to purposeful preparation.

The promise is that you’ll get what you want more quickly, easier, with a greater ability to flow with anything unexpected which might come your way.

And that is how the real cool kids roll.

 

A Woman’s Journey To Heroism

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img_5799Books, movies, poems, songs and numerous stand-up acts have been based on Joseph Campbell’s remarkable work on The Hero’s Journey. And rightly so. Campbell’s intensive study of the hero lore of many cultures uncovered a similar theme – a monomyth – recurring regardless of time and place.

It’s brilliant.

And it’s also only about dudes.

In the monomyth uncovered by Campbell, women feature exactly twice: The Hero meets a Goddess who inspires him, and then he meets a Temptress who, well, tempts him. The rest of the time, he’s a guy on a quest sometimes accompanied by other guys.

I had taken a stab at examining The Heroine’s Journey in a blog post I wrote back in 2014 – it was mostly about how we have a new female hero showing up in today’s literature and film, embodied by the character of Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games trilogy.

To really dig into the topic on a larger level, though, I had to do some thinking. I took out my journal and started writing to understand the similarities and the differences between a classic man’s experience and the hero’s journey of women I’ve know and read about.

I wondered where Campbell’s ideas intersected with what I’ve observed over my lifetime. The answer?

Not very often.

I had to refill the ink in my pen more than one time to get to the heart of the matter. And here’s what I think about a women’s hero’s journey. It starts like this: A woman is going along her merry way, doing whatever she’s doing. She might be stressed, she might not be. She might be rich, poor, old, young, whatever.

She’s living the life she’s living and then all of a sudden –

A crisis erupts. The floodwaters rise, the cow runs off, the husband runs off, the tornado’s a-coming, the rent needs to be paid, the boss is inappropriate, the nuclear reactor is leaking. Whatever it may look like, something bad happens.

And the first thing she does is try to fix the crisis. She mends and tends. She looks for solutions.

But there comes a time when she’s aware she can’t fix it – there’s no way it can be fixed at all – and has a moment of deep recognition that the only thing she can change is her idea about who she is and what she’s capable of doing.

Her identity shatters. Who she thought she was, and how she thought the world was – it’s all gone.

In the depths of her soul, she finally asks who she wants to be.

She embarks on a period of trial and error to find this new self.

In the course of her quest, she forms a tribe. These are women, men, children, animals who support her as she figures out who she really is.

She has experiences. She’s growing more and more conscious. She learns.

One day she has fresh awareness: She feels like herself. A new self.

A new crisis comes up, and she handles this one very differently. This new crisis allows her to see just how strong she is.

She has created a new life.

And the people in her tribe are safe. She can live happily and contentedly, thoroughly aware of her strength and resilience.

Women – does this in any way resonate? Clarify things for you? Give you hope that there is a path through any difficulty?

Now to the men who are reading these words – why does this matter for you? If you love a woman, or are father to a girl, and you want to be a part of her tribe, recognize that her journey toward a heroic life may be significantly different from the male hero’s journey you’ve been saturated in since birth. This may be why sometimes you don’t understand why the women in your life don’t seem to value what you value, or organize their lives the way you organize yours.

Because a man’s journey – according to Campbell – is an external adventure, full of battles where you can prove yourself.

And a woman’s journey – according to me – is an internal adventure, full of the kinds of moments which allow a woman rise up and know herself deeply.

Neither is right. Neither is wrong.

We prosper as human beings, though, when we respect and support the necessary paths each of us must walk to live our own heroic lives.

 

 

What Brave Really Looks Like

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It’s easy to forget, in the rush of the day-to-day, what brave really looks like – so let me remind you of one or two things:

Sometimes brave simply looks like getting out of bed in the morning.

Sure, it’s brave to try something new. Admitting you have no idea how to do it is very brave.

Brave also looks like voicing an opinion.

Or respectfully disagreeing.

Or admitting you haven’t made your mind up yet.

Brave is being a true and kind friend to yourself.

Brave is extending your hand to a stranger.

And, brave is standing up for the rights of a stranger.

Anyone who creates art – using paint, clay, stone, words, numbers, performance, color, texture, shape – is incredibly brave.

Brave looks like absolutely loving the body you have.

And it’s brave to know you need to change something – and taking the steps toward that change.

Listening is brave.

Loving is brave.

Breathing is brave.

That means you, my friend, are so very brave.

Remember this the next time you have doubt or wonder where your confidence has gone.

It really hasn’t gone anywhere – you just forgot for a minute exactly how brave you are every single day.

 

What To Do When You Succeed

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There can be a moment – and you need to have your eyes wide open to catch it – when you realize that you’ve accomplished what you’ve set out to do.

You got the degree, you got the promotion.Businessman Thinking Aspirations Goals Contemplating Concept

You built the business, you cleaned the garage.

Your garden is just how you envisioned it, your kids are in school.

Whatever you dreamed, well, you dreamed it right into existence.

And the thing you do next, in that moment-after-realization, will prove critical.

You can, as some folk do, feel a profound sense of loss because the avid pursuit of anything can be compelling. The hunt can give you a reason to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. It’s like the stress of getting “there” (or anywhere, for that matter) is the only motivation that matters to you.

You might, as some folk do, hurriedly seek out Another Thing To Accomplish because idle hands are the Devil’s playground (or some other nose-to-the-grindstone sort of phrase). It won’t do to be braggy or rest on your laurels – no one says that’s the way to get ahead! Plus, there is just so much to do every single day.

Or, it’s also entirely possible in the moment of realization to find the space to take a breather. You might consciously slow down, get calm, clear, and centered to reflect on the journey you’ve taken. You could, in that moment of stillness, feel extraordinarily grateful for the ability to accomplish what you’ve accomplished and honored by the people who helped you along your path.

You find time to allow yourself to be filled up by the honest and honorable pride in doing something that mattered to you. Maybe even to the world.

And after that rest – however long or short it may need to be – you trust that you will naturally find your Next Thing.

Because in the stillness you were reminded that any good thing you do is born of curiosity, driven by integrity and delivered with care.

You treasure reflecting on your success because it points your way toward more of the same.

Quiet, thoughtful space to consider and appreciate – it’s not what our go-go-go culture suggests because it’s not very tweet-able or shareable.

But, I assure you, it is the thing the most successful people do, time and time again.

 

Outside Eyes

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Warrior woman. Fantasy fashion idea.I remember showing up at a coaching conference where I was a featured speaker. Milling with the crowd before the event, I fell into conversation with a small group. One of the women leaned forward with a puzzled look on her face and said, “I’m sorry – I didn’t get your name”.

I smiled, extended my hand and introduced myself, “Michele Woodward.”

She looked even more puzzled. “Michele Woodward?” She cocked her head curiously and said, “You sound…taller on the phone.”

I had no snappy response to that one, believe me.

Turns out she’d participated in several webinars and teleclasses I’d led and had decided I was a towering, formidable glamazon.

I’m certain my friendly, curvy, five-foot-six self was an eensy-weensy bit of a surprise.

If I had been her coach, I would have asked her to explore why she needed to make me into a mythical character. What thoughts did she have about what it takes to be successful as a coach? How were those ideas perhaps holding her back?

Sometimes we simply can’t ask ourselves those questions because we’re so caught up in our anxiety and pre-conceived notions.

That’s when a coach can be helpful.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you do what you do?” Why all this “coaching”, this writing, this speaking? Why are you not taller?

(OK, I’ve only been asked that last one once.)

When I think about my “why”, it comes down to this: People are often so close to their situation that they can’t get any perspective. They’re so close that they can’t see context and go on to create a lot of angst and worry which then saps their energy and keeps them stuck in the same endless, grinding loop – making no progress.

I know how to fix this. 

I provide objective feedback, an outside eye, which breaks up the frustration of being stuck. And creates forward movement.

It works because I have no dog in your fight – I don’t care where you work, how much money you make, who reports to you, where you buy your shoes – I just want you to be fully yourself and do whatever you’re here to do.

And you can bet I’m a fierce warrior for you on that point.

A friendly, curvy, five-foot-six warrior, that is. 

 

 

Like No One’s Watching

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Sing Concept Clipped Cards And Lights

My daughter leaned over to whisper in my ear, “See that girl? Third from the right?” I nodded. “She’s awesome.”

We were watching a showcase of performing arts talent on my daughter’s college campus. Seated outside on a glorious fall day, we’d seen students doing modern dance and step. We’d heard a capella renditions of songs by Swift and Sinatra. And now we were getting ready to hear a gospel group sing.

The young woman my daughter pointed out was bespectacled with long, swaying braids. In the second song of the set, she took the microphone and moved one step in front of the group. The leader raised his hands and the keyboardist began to play.

I was ready for something astounding – hadn’t my daughter said this girl was awesome?

When the young woman opened her mouth to sing, I was a little mystified. You see, it was a traditional call-and-response piece and she was taking the lead.

But her vocal range was probably just about four notes, and two of those gave her some trouble.

She was not the most tonally gifted singer I’ve ever heard.

The audience began to fidget in their seats.

But she kept going. And her group kept following her, clapping and swaying in time with the beat.

She’d sing out her line, the rest of the singers harmonized along. She sang with passion, with attention, and with joy.

And she was totally in the moment.

Pretty soon a huge grin took up all the space on my face. Because I finally knew what I was seeing.

I was witnessing a raw display of powerful courage.

This young woman, pushing her glasses up on her nose, was singing her heart out in front of five hundred people.

In front of many of her classmates. Their parents. Their grandparents.

She was even being filmed.

Doing something many of us would shrink from doing if we couldn’t do it absolutely perfectly.

Yep, there she was, standing up in front of her entire community, doing something she loved.

Doing it as if no one was watching.

Doing it for the sheer joy of doing it.

I leaned over to my daughter and said, “She’s the bravest person I’ve seen in a long time.”

My daughter replied, “See? I told you she was awesome.”