Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

speaking up

Worth Failing For

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Workshop and seminar leaders, Little League coaches and life coaches, parents and priests. What do they possibly have in common?

My guess is that at some point or the other they may have asked someone, “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

They ask this question in an attempt to figure out goals and dreams. To understand where someone might be holding themselves back out of fear of failing. To inspire.

All well and good.

The amazing, inspiring Brené Brown, though, asks the question in a powerful and different way.

She asks, “What’s worth failing for?”

I mean, really. Brené nails it. That is one piercing question.

So, let me ask you: What are you willing to stand up for? What are you willing to use your voice for?

Regardless of the consequences?

What do you love enough to risk everything for?

I ask it that way because I know myself and if my kids were ever threatened, I’d put myself between them and harm’s way in a nanosecond.

It comes down to this, then: Love is absolutely worth failing for.

Because I love so deeply and passionately about what’s happening in our world, I am conscious that I must my voice to say the things that need to be said. I am willing to put myself out there even if people disagree with me.

(And as an aside – disagreement doesn’t need to mean the end of a relationship. In fact, disagreement can bring people closer together as they grow to understand each other. Remember that next time you get in a Twitter war, will you?)

You may find this hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I swallowed my words because I felt as though there was going to be a tough consequence if I spoke up. It was only after I was clear of this situation that I realized the toll silence took on me. And I felt the relief and coming-home-ness which came from learning to use my voice again.

When you look at things not from a vantage point of “how can I make sure I don’t lose?” but from the “what am I willing to lose for?” things change.

Even in the face of sure loss.

Even when things are tough.

Even when you know you are not going to win.

When you show up as yourself, put it out there, own it, love it…you’ve already won.

And whatever happens next doesn’t even matter.

“You’re Not Supposed To Have Ideas”

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light bulb idea

 

When I was in high school, I turned in the draft of a paper for some assignment or other. The teacher used one word repeatedly – written in blood-red ballpoint ink – “Citation?”

I asked her what she meant and she said, “You need to cite where you got these ideas, Michele.” To which I replied, “They’re my own ideas.”

She looked at me glaringly and said, “You’re not supposed to have ideas.”

As if every scholar who’s come down the pike for the last twenty-four hundred years is merely riffing on Plato.

If my memory is correct, I went ahead and gave the teacher what she wanted but have stubbornly and subversively continued to have my own ideas.

And it’s funny. I see this “you’re not supposed to have ideas” idea play out today in a million different ways.

On Facebook, for instance, there are scads of people who endlessly post inspiring quotes by famous people but nary a peep of their own thoughts. Now, I love me an inspirational quote as much as the next gal, but why do we invest the wisdom of Snoop Dog, er, I mean, Snoop Lion, with more meaning than something from our own heart?

This happens in real life, too, when the CEO is surrounded by Yes-men and Yes-women who play Whac-A-Mole with their peers only to produce banal, safe ideas which never move the dial or solve the real problem.

Oh, I understand the reluctance to speak up and say something. It’s hard to claim your own knowing. Especially for those of us who worry what other people will think – what if we say something that’s wrong? Or stupid? Or shows our innate lack of any intelligence, experience or capability? What if they find out we’re really an impostor and don’t know what the hell we’re doing?

So we keep our heads down, our mouths shut and post other people’s words.

You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Yet, over time, it gets harder and harder to be a blank slate. In Malcolm Gladwell’s terrific book Blink (hey, I just made a citation!), he suggests that based on sheer dint of having lived, you have expertise. And your knowledge and insight and instinct are almost always correct.

But owning our innate smarts and the viewpoint our own life has afforded… well, that is pretty hard to do. Maybe it smacks of arrogance, or is – using a phrase we threw around in high school – conceited to say, “Hey, I know this.”

Tell you what, though – that’s precisely what I want my brain surgeon to say someday when he opens up my noggin during surgery:  “Hey, I really know this.” That’s my kind of doc.

Yes, it takes bravery and belief in one’s own competence to say what you think. But it also takes the willingness to be vulnerable and open. Because knowing that what you’re offering is merely your perspective – standing in that place of claiming while at the same time recognizing someone else’s equal and valid right to share their own perspective, and then taking that information onboard and deciding which of it is true for you… that takes courage.

In her book (another citation!) Daring Greatly, writer Brene Brown talks about the courage it takes to live wholeheartedly and vulnerably while at the same time taking the risk to allow yourself to be known for who you are, warts and all. Brown says that it’s only by doing so that you can be fully yourself, and be fully loved in return.

And we all want to be loved, don’t we?

So, let me leave you with the universal truth Miley Cyrus shares in the neo-classic, existential anthem (see, Teacher? I can write citations) “We Can’t Stop”:

“To my home girls here with the big butts

Shaking it like we at a strip club

Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters

Cause somebody loves ya.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

 

Yes, This Is For You

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In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today.  Because I know how much you struggle.  I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years.  Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say?  Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad?  Caused a scene?  Decided they didn’t like you?  Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world.  Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you.  And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something?  Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength.  A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there.  Start from right here.  Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart.  Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are?  Know how they say the darnedest things?  Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid. 

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”.  Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does.  It doesn’t matter how they react.  What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own.  So no blaming, and no name calling, OK?  Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary.  But start small.  Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced.  Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you.  And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good?  And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.