Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

positive communication

Say This, Not That

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You may know that one of my core values is learning.

There’s nothing I love more than digging in, coming to understanding and integrating that knowledge into my life.

I know, it makes me so fun to be around at parties.

One of the most important learnings of the last ten years has been around how to speak.

Yes, it’s entirely possible that I emerged from the womb reciting Elizabeth Barrett Browning – but that’s talking and anyone can do that.

What I’m talking about is speaking in a way that opens up conversation and relationships.

The simple rule I’ve learned is: Ask so that others can answer fully, and truthfully.

Mind-blowing, huh?

Here’s the example:

“Are you having a good day?”

vs.

“How’s your day?”

In the first instance, the way you’ve constructed the question suggests that the listener needs to experience a “good day” to be in your good graces. You are, in fact, telling them what to feel.

Maybe your intention is to keep things light, superficial. Or you think you’re being optimistic and sunny, all Law of Attraction-y. Regardless, the result is the person responds with, “Yeah…sure”, which might be untrue, and your relationship is now touched by that small little lie.

But when you simply ask, “How’s your day?”, you allow a response that’s real. The person can say what’s on their mind, something like: “It’s a tough day – I had to put my dog down.” How honest. How revealing. How real.

Then you can be with that person, in that moment, in their reality and sorrow.

You have an opportunity to be a supportive friend, family member, colleague. You can know them more fully by understanding their truth. And they can know you, too, by experiencing your kindness.

Yes, being empathetic might take something from you. And you might feel like you’re not up to the task.

I imagine you are, though. Because I know you’re a kind, thoughtful, compassionate person who wants close connections with others.

You can do it. You can be open to hearing the truth, and dealing with whatever that truth brings along with it.

So, say this: “How are you feeling?” rather than “Feeling good?”

Say, “Where are you on the Framastam contract?” rather than “Are you done with the Framastam contract yet?”

Say, “What are your plans tonight?” rather than “You’re not going to that block party on Garfield St., are you?”

Say, “What do you think of the succotash?” rather than “Don’t you love this succotash?”

You can open doors with the questions you ask, or you can close them. It’s a powerfully simple learning that leads to a fuller, richer experience for all involved.

 

 

Time To Make A Statement

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My daughter teaches me so much.Stage

A senior in high school, she’s recently been working on a one-person show for her Theatre IV final. As she writes the script and perfects her performance, she often needs to talk through the process. “Mom,” she said one evening, “my piece really needs to make a statement.”

I thought about that.

A statement.

A declarative avowal. A point of view.

It’s a rare thing these days, even amidst all the bloviating on talk radio and cable TV. It seems to me that so many of us work very hard to not make a statement at all. We’d do anything but have a distinct point of view.

Maybe it feels judgy to have a hard-and-fast opinion, especially for those of us who value harmony and belongingness most of all.

We don’t want to say anything that might trigger a feeling of separateness.

So we equivocate, and use our lips to form mewling, mealy-mouthed words that never really say what needs to be said.

Then wonder why no one really understands us.

We fail to make a real statement about who we are and what’s important to us. We never let anyone know who we are and what we think.

We hide.

If that’s what we brought to our own one-person show, we’d surely stink.

I couldn’t let go of this idea of “making a statement”. I began to question myself – where am I hedging a little? Where am I keeping safe by not having a point of view?

Fair enough to say that I rarely hedge… but there are definitely times when I smile and say nothing. Even when I disagree. Every time I do this, I feel smaller and smaller.

So today’s a good day for me to stop.

It’s time to consciously make a statement.

I’m going to set my intention at the start – who do I want to be? What do I want to say?

And then I’m going to say it.

In conversations, in coaching sessions, in blog posts, in my own self-talk. I’m going to say what I need to say. Not to hurt anyone or cause pain – I never want to hold that intention.

But in a way to express myself, and let myself be known. 

No more swallowing words, or going along to get along.

A statement. A point of view. An opinion.

That’s what I’m going to bring to the production that is this life of mine. I am going to let the curtain rise so you can see even more of who I really am.

And I will absolutely, 100% support you doing the exact same thing.

That’s what’s going to make this so damn much fun.

 

Your Talk Is Killing Your Relationships

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If you really want to talk with someone – notice I said “with someone” rather than “at someone” – there’s one thing you can stop doing.

You can stop forming your question so you get the answer you seek.

Such as:

“Feeling OK?”

This question immediately telegraphs the response you’re expecting to hear – or maybe even the only acceptable one you’ll tolerate hearing.

This kind of question is not really about the other person.

It’s all about you and your needs.

In essence, by asking this way, you’re saying, “Please tell me you’re feeling OK because I am worried stiff/don’t care to get involved with your nonsense/moving on to the next person I make eye contact with.”

And when you telegraph precisely what you want to hear, it’s like you don’t really care that much about what’s real. You don’t really care that much about who I am and what I’m experiencing. So guess what I do? I take the path of least resistance and simply say, “Yes.”

Indeed, I lie because it’s easy and it’s what you want to hear.

If you want to build a relationship, you sure haven’t made one step toward doing so with a question like this, have you?

The question’s kid sister is:

“Have a good day at school today, sweetie?”

Notice how there’s not much room to say, “No, mom. No, I did not. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.”

It’s a lot easier to say, “Yep” and go up to your room and text your real feelings to your friends who will at least listen.

At work, this type of phraseology often comes from micro-managers who pepper their people with a series of questions like:

“I hope you talked with Sarah and checked  with IT, marketing and legal before you finalized the spreadsheet.”

Way to show a ton of confidence in your people there, boss. Your questions suggest everyone is untrustworthy, and no one has the ability to figure out what needs to be done. Except you, of course.

[Awesome management style, btw. Bet your people love you.]

It’s super easy to fall into the trap of talking this way. I mean, you hear it everywhere you go.

But that doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it works, does it?

If you really want to create a connection with people instead of tear one down, simply shift the way you talk.

Instead of telling them what you want to hear, ask them what they’d like to say.

Say, “How was your day?

Say, “How are you feeling?”

Say, “What’s your homework like tonight?”

Because when you talk like that, you not only hear the other person – but you also see them.

You respect them.

Which is how every relationship get stronger, better, deeper and richer.