Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

positive communication

Time To Make A Statement

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My daughter teaches me so much.Stage

A senior in high school, she’s recently been working on a one-person show for her Theatre IV final. As she writes the script and perfects her performance, she often needs to talk through the process. “Mom,” she said one evening, “my piece really needs to make a statement.”

I thought about that.

A statement.

A declarative avowal. A point of view.

It’s a rare thing these days, even amidst all the bloviating on talk radio and cable TV. It seems to me that so many of us work very hard to not make a statement at all. We’d do anything but have a distinct point of view.

Maybe it feels judgy to have a hard-and-fast opinion, especially for those of us who value harmony and belongingness most of all.

We don’t want to say anything that might trigger a feeling of separateness.

So we equivocate, and use our lips to form mewling, mealy-mouthed words that never really say what needs to be said.

Then wonder why no one really understands us.

We fail to make a real statement about who we are and what’s important to us. We never let anyone know who we are and what we think.

We hide.

If that’s what we brought to our own one-person show, we’d surely stink.

I couldn’t let go of this idea of “making a statement”. I began to question myself – where am I hedging a little? Where am I keeping safe by not having a point of view?

Fair enough to say that I rarely hedge… but there are definitely times when I smile and say nothing. Even when I disagree. Every time I do this, I feel smaller and smaller.

So today’s a good day for me to stop.

It’s time to consciously make a statement.

I’m going to set my intention at the start – who do I want to be? What do I want to say?

And then I’m going to say it.

In conversations, in coaching sessions, in blog posts, in my own self-talk. I’m going to say what I need to say. Not to hurt anyone or cause pain – I never want to hold that intention.

But in a way to express myself, and let myself be known. 

No more swallowing words, or going along to get along.

A statement. A point of view. An opinion.

That’s what I’m going to bring to the production that is this life of mine. I am going to let the curtain rise so you can see even more of who I really am.

And I will absolutely, 100% support you doing the exact same thing.

That’s what’s going to make this so damn much fun.

 

Your Talk Is Killing Your Relationships

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If you really want to talk with someone – notice I said “with someone” rather than “at someone” – there’s one thing you can stop doing.

You can stop forming your question so you get the answer you seek.

Such as:

“Feeling OK?”

This question immediately telegraphs the response you’re expecting to hear – or maybe even the only acceptable one you’ll tolerate hearing.

This kind of question is not really about the other person.

It’s all about you and your needs.

In essence, by asking this way, you’re saying, “Please tell me you’re feeling OK because I am worried stiff/don’t care to get involved with your nonsense/moving on to the next person I make eye contact with.”

And when you telegraph precisely what you want to hear, it’s like you don’t really care that much about what’s real. You don’t really care that much about who I am and what I’m experiencing. So guess what I do? I take the path of least resistance and simply say, “Yes.”

Indeed, I lie because it’s easy and it’s what you want to hear.

If you want to build a relationship, you sure haven’t made one step toward doing so with a question like this, have you?

The question’s kid sister is:

“Have a good day at school today, sweetie?”

Notice how there’s not much room to say, “No, mom. No, I did not. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.”

It’s a lot easier to say, “Yep” and go up to your room and text your real feelings to your friends who will at least listen.

At work, this type of phraseology often comes from micro-managers who pepper their people with a series of questions like:

“I hope you talked with Sarah and checked  with IT, marketing and legal before you finalized the spreadsheet.”

Way to show a ton of confidence in your people there, boss. Your questions suggest everyone is untrustworthy, and no one has the ability to figure out what needs to be done. Except you, of course.

[Awesome management style, btw. Bet your people love you.]

It’s super easy to fall into the trap of talking this way. I mean, you hear it everywhere you go.

But that doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it works, does it?

If you really want to create a connection with people instead of tear one down, simply shift the way you talk.

Instead of telling them what you want to hear, ask them what they’d like to say.

Say, “How was your day?

Say, “How are you feeling?”

Say, “What’s your homework like tonight?”

Because when you talk like that, you not only hear the other person – but you also see them.

You respect them.

Which is how every relationship get stronger, better, deeper and richer.