Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

overwhelm

Plenty for Everyone

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Let’s say you feel frustrated and unhappy and can’t really put your finger on the “why” of it. Let’s also say that you’re someone who’s always putting the needs of other people ahead of your own, but you wouldn’t call it that. You’d call it “doing what I’m supposed to be doing” or “what I have to do right now”. Or “love”.

But there’s that niggling frustration, every single day. The sense that there’s something you’re not doing that you could be doing. Something that would be delightful and fun. Nourishing even. You just can’t see a way to do that AND do the thing you’re supposed to be doing.

So, let me ask you this:

If you went on a picnic with three of the dearest people in your life, and you opened the picnic basket and there were only three sandwiches, what would you do?

Would you say, “Oh, it’s okay. I love you so much and want you to be fed and happy, so eat the sandwiches. I’ll just sit here and pass you the mustard and a napkin and anything else you need.”

Would you squish down your own hunger so the hunger of others could be satisfied?

(Plenty of us do this every single day. We do it because we have heard that parenting, partnering, working, or serving needs to look a very specific way. We let that strict definition shape a box that’s increasingly smaller and harder to live in.)

(And sometimes we live inside the teeny tiny box because we’re not sure who we would be outside of it. We’re not sure if we’re exactly comfortable with how big we might become if we were to step outside.)

(And, then again, we worry that the person who’s not having a whole sandwich because of our needs might be mad or resentful. That’s awkward, uncomfortable and possibly fatal to the relationship.)

(And we are doing this in the first place because relationships with others are so important. More important, in fact, than our relationship with ourselves.)

(And we might have learned that love looks like doing stuff for other people all the time, regardless of the impact on ourselves.)

Back to the picnic scenario. You’re hungry and there aren’t enough sandwiches. Your gut says to let other people have what is there because it’s appropriate, it’s right, it’s safe. But you’re starving, aren’t you?

Might you consider a simple solution of dividing each sandwich into four equal parts so that everyone could have some? So everyone could be nourished? Including you?

It’s time to ease your frustration and own your right to your own well-being, my friends. And while asking for your portion might be scary, the odds are it will turn out beautifully. Because I know for a fact that the three people you love most in the world want nothing more than to share their sandwich with you.

Because they love you just as much as you love them.

 

[This piece appeared first on my Facebook page. Are we connected there?]

The Perils of Being Good

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Let’s say that ever since you were a little, teeny kid you have played by the rules.

You do what’s expected. Maybe even more than expected.

You’re deferential, polite and wait your turn.

You’re a such good girl. You’re a such good boy.

You go to work every day, even when you’re sick, and you miss things like birthdays, anniversaries and tournaments.

They’re paying you so you owe them, you tell yourself.

Your hard work will be noticed someday, you tell yourself.

Because you’re such a good girl – you’re such a good boy – you play by the rules.

Maybe you don’t work – you’re a full-time parent. But still, you’re hyper-competent and you way over-deliver.

Since you’re not working and bringing in any money, you tell yourself.

Everything has to be just so because you’re not working, you tell yourself.

Because you are not just a good boy or a good girl – you have to be perfect.

And the rules are the rules. My goodness, you’d hate to disappoint.

Or show that, perhaps, you’re not really that good (your biggest, most secret fear).

You’ve been living this way for so long that you don’t know who you are outside the rules. You don’t know how to un-conform.

Feels scary to even think about doing things differently.

No one you’ve ever known has colored outside the lines and succeeded.

Well, maybe that one person. Or two.

Or now that you think about it, that friend who left and started his own thing? He seems so happy.

And that woman – the one who went back to work after ten years at home? She’s glowing, right?

Huh.

Maybe there’s an opening. Maybe there’s a possibility. Maybe the old rules are just that – old.

And there’s a new way to be.

One that’s authentic.

Open. Honest. Fun. Interesting. Productive.

Rewarding.

The only thing? You can’t remain a very good girl or a very good boy and get there.

Because good boys and good girls are docile and controllable. That’s why the rules were made in the first place.

What you need to be is: A real person.

Who gets sick sometimes and needs time off and has a family and has dreams and desires and a life of their own.

A real person who won’t put compliance with some arbitrary rules made up to keep people in line over having a life that matters.

Who values living fully over being patted on the head for performing.

A person who knows the rules but sometimes – just sometimes – breaks ’em…because that’s the only way they can fully live.

 

Working Hard Is Pointless

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Construction Worker Silhouette At Work

 

I know you. You throw yourself into everything you do, all the time.

There is no halfway for you –  it’s all the way, and once you’re there, maybe you do just a little bit more.

There is no “all-or-nothing”, there’s just full tilt, up-past-your-eyeballs “all-in”.

You, my friend, are a machine.

You’re the first one there and the last one to leave.

You work hard and give 110% to everything you do.

You certainly don’t believe in shortcuts.

(Is this starting to resonate yet?)

There are people around you who love that you work so hard and so much, especially those who do a whole lot less because you’re doing it all.

Those folks, in fact, rather adore you.

You work, and work, and work, and accomplish, and accomplish, and accomplish, and – tell the truth – you sort of look down on people who aren’t as fully committed as you are. And you pretty much define yourself by how much time you put in.

It’s resonating now, huh?

And I’m not going to tell you to stop working so hard, or so much. I’m not going to tell you to change one thing about yourself.

I’m just going to raise one little idea – something I’ve learned from the many people I’ve coached over the years who’ve come to the point where a light bulb goes off over their heads.

I’ve even had this same light bulb go off over my own noggin.

It’s this: Today, you can work somewhere for ten, fifteen, twenty years and work hard, give it your all, miss your kids’ birthdays, your spouse’s birthdays, your friends’ funerals,  your anniversaries, the soccer game, the Broadway show, that trip to Europe – all of it – and still lose your job in a reorganization.

It’s a hollow feeling to realize that you’ve put so much on hold in service of your work, and it ultimately matters not a whit when the big change comes down. Like when the company is acquired. Or donations fall off. Or there’s new leadership. Hell, there are a hundred crazy reasons why things change and almost none of them can be changed by you working harder.

It’s entirely possible to work so intently that you raise your head one day and realize you forgot to see the Great Wall of China. Or visit the dentist. Or get married.

People over-focus on work for a lot of reasons. Might be because you work in a place where folks define themselves by their office hours and you want to fit in. Could be because you’re terrified of being seen as wrong, and standing out in a bad way. Maybe you have a deep, internal conviction that you are deeply flawed and it’s only a matter of time before everyone figures that out. Maybe your daddy always told you that winners never quit and quitters never win.

And what’s the common denominator? 

It’s all about other people’s reaction to you. It’s all about external validation.

So many folks scurry and perform for others so they can get the gold star, the pat on the back, the approval. They strive for hearing “well done”, “that’s a good girl”, “that’s my boy” because that’s the kind of external affirmation they’ve come to rely upon.

Which sometimes, despite our Herculean effort, remains tantalizingly out of reach.

(And if they ever do get it, they sort of don’t believe it, anyway.)

Friends, it’s the work of a lifetime to shift from a place of seeking external validation to being driven by internal acceptance.

You see, the most happy and well-adjusted people – whether they are adult executives, teenaged soccer players, young at-home parents or retirees – have this in common: They do what they do because it feels good and satisfies their values.

These people are not whipsawed by the vagaries of the crowd. If they put in a lot of hours, it’s not because they hope to fit in, or to be accepted, or to create a barrage of flak so no one can see the impostor lurking within.

No, if they work hard, they work hard because their integrity calls them to it.

And if they find a shortcut that’s in line with their values, they take it.

And if they want to leave on Friday at 3pm, they do.

And they take their vacation days.

And their sick days.

They live in balance with themselves and their choices. So in the event they get laid off, it doesn’t crush their sense of self and leave them paralyzed with anguish and worry. The most successful know who they are, they know what they bring, and they are comfortable in their own skin.

Rather than living for the approval of others, they affirm themselves.

So, I’m not going to tell you to change how you are. I’m just going to raise the possibility with you that there may be a better way to do what you do.

It boils down to this: Do what you can. Love what you do. And make space for the idea that maybe, just maybe, you don’t have to do it all.

 

When Overwhelmed

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bigstock-Funny-cow-on-a-green-meadow-lo-49279556

 

 

Think about the advice most of us give others (and ourselves) when overwhelmed:

“Bear down.”

“Knuckle down.”

Even, “double down.”

Truth is, down is the opposite direction we’d really like to go when things are difficult. What we want is to rise above, to overcome, to ease up. To fly free of the tremendous weight of too much to do and too little time to do it in.

When we’re stressed and overwhelmed, we do things like work through lunch, and come in early, and leave late, and get by on as little sleep as possible. (Read this new study on sleep and the link with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease, which is fascinating.)

And none of our struggle and effort necessarily makes the end product that much more fantabulous. What it does is makes us more anxious, and exhausted.

After years of exploring this subject, I’ve learned that there’s just one way to overcome overwhelm. Ready for it?

Do the opposite of what you think you should do.

Stuck for a creative idea? Take it from someone who’s tried – sitting at your desk twirling a pencil in your fingers like it’s a flaming baton and pretending you’re a Texas twirler wearing white go-go boots ain’t gonna make any lightbulbs appear.

What does work is a simple sequence of steps:

Set your intention – “I will come up with a great solution to the client problem”

Take a break and do some completely unrelated activity – get in a brisk walk, eat lunch, take a nap, call your BFF and talk about your vacation plans.

During this break, your brain will continue to work in the background on the problem you gave it and nine times out of ten you’ll have a moment of inspiration which leads to the last step:

“Eureka!”

Houston, we have a solution.

I also believe strongly in the power of mono-tasking. Mono-tasking is when you tackle one thing at a time and do it completely before moving on to the next thing. When I was just starting in my career, I was taught to “touch it once” – which, granted, was in the days when we actually touched paper at the office – and that’s the general idea of mono-tasking, too. When I focus 100% of my time and attention on the task at hand, I can complete it thoroughly and quickly. If you think about it in terms of units of energy, I can put 10 units on the task at one time instead of 40 units picking the project up and putting it back down again over the course of several days.

Which means that you will finally have enough time to do what you need to do. Now, the more you use this sequence and mono-task, the better you’ll get at it. You may find that solutions come easier and the time that it takes to get from A to B gets a lot faster. This gives you time to do the other things you need to do to live your life fully.

Which means no more overwhelm.

Now, I am going to say this: Some bean-counters have a real problem with people sitting at their desks less than a ten hour day. Breaks, unless scheduled, are unsettling to these dear souls. They also struggle with not seeing you sweat beads of blood from your brow as you hunker down (yes, that word again) to the pile of tasks at hand.

These people think that the end product of ten hours of work is always better than that of five hours of work, because there are more hours to count.

And, of course, some folks see being overwhelmed as the Red Badge of Courage, and the totem signifying that you have really made it. Anyone who’s anyone has stress! We’re all busy!

It’s the siren song of our age, and it’s easy to fall into step with those who believe it. But you know it’s not true, right? Anyone who’s had a real eureka moment which has led to efficient accomplishment knows what really works.

And it’s not stressful overwhelm.

It can be a lonely road to travel, this being unstressed. This taking strategic breaks. This flow through your tasks. These eureka moments. This joy in your work. This success.

But, let me tell you, it is so worth it when you can honestly say, “No, I’m not stressed – I feel great about my job.” Totally blows people’s minds.

Your New Yardstick

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I have started and stopped this blog post seven times.

I have typed, back-spaced, deleted and select-all’ed myself into a frenzy.

Because I know what I want to say, but can’t seem to find the way to say it in 600 words.

Maybe it needs fewer words, less typing, less snarky pun-filled humor.

Let’s try simple, shall we?

Ahem.

To be happier, make your own yardstick to measure success.

Not your mom’s measuring stick, not your dad’s, not your suck-uppy cousin Kevin’s, not your office mate’s, not your boss’, not your neighbor’s, not TV, not Twitter, not Maxim magazine.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re a slacker if you don’t work fourteen hour days, or that you’re nobody if you don’t travel for work.  Don’t listen to anyone tell you that all the cool kids are litigators. Or brand managers. Or social media gurus.  Ignore those who hold that you’re a loser if you’re not pulling down six figures. Or seven. Plug up your ears when you hear that you are throwing away your degree and experience when you decide to start your own business.  Or when you take a break from working to care for your small children, your sick father or your ill spouse.

All of that is someone else’s measure of what’s right for you.

What’s right for you?

You decide.

Because when you gauge your life by someone else’s measure, you will always come up short.

Build your yardstick with a mark for playing to your unique strengths. Scratch another line for your values, one for your passions, another for the realities of your life, and what it is that you really want.

Mark your integrity, your goals, your purpose in life.

Then stand back and take a look at what you’ve created.

Looks like success, doesn’t it?