Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

narcissism

Are You Confident? Or Arrogant?

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Headlines this week led me to consider the difference between confidence and arrogance.

Here’s what I came up with:

Four people walk into a meeting.

The anxious one walks in worried that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and everyone else is going to see it.

The confident one walks in pretty sure she knows what she’s talking about, but imagines she’ll learn something from everyone else in the room.

The arrogant one walks in certain that he knows what he’s talking about, and everyone else better agree.

The narcissistic one walks in sure he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he’ll bluster and cover so no one else ever sees the deep flaw he keeps hidden.

You’ve been in this meeting, haven’t you?

You know, on one level it can be kind of fun to be arrogant. People might stand up when you walk into the room, and you might get your way, and no one ever talks back to you.

As they say: It’s good to be king.

But this is precisely how 100% of scandals happen. People do what they think they are supposed to be doing even if it’s ethically icky because no one has ever explicitly said, “Don’t do that.” Nothing remotely resembling challenges to the arrogant authority is allowed –  no back talk, remember?

That arrogance of leadership does not build… anything, with the exception of hundreds and hundreds of negative stories, and a ton of unhappiness.

Confidence, however, inspires debate within a team – which provides insight and perspectives to shape a stronger decision or choice.

True confidence engenders the kind of loyalty that is not blind, but is built upon high regard – high mutual regard. That’s the kind of loyalty which lasts.

And it’s the kind of loyalty which weeds out arrogant bad actors on the team. Quickly.

It’s the kind of confidence born of a leader’s willingness be known as a person, and to ask questions – sometimes, hard questions – and to keep an open mind. It’s born of realizing that each of us brings something to the table, and it’s worth knowing what that something is.

Confidence is also found in a willingness to be wrong, and an awareness that we’ve been through hard things before and we will likely face hard things again.

And it all will be OK.

Now, let me ask you – if you walked into the meeting, who would you be?

Is that who you want to be?

If not, there’s one thing you can start doing to edge toward confidence and away from those destructive roles. Just one thing. One little thing.

When you find yourself in that meeting, ask a question. And ask it with an open heart and an open mind. Then you’ll be the confident one.

[And if  you don’t think of yourself as a “leader”, feel free to substitute the word “parent”, or “neighbor”, or “human”, as you see fit. You’ll find it still works.]

 

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

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Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it’s your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me — hopefully, you’ll have an “Aha!” moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?”

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship – well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he’s a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point – what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
– Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
– Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
– Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
– Criticizes self and others
– Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
– Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life — win/lose

Limited ability to:
– Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative “revisionist” ability
– Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
– Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
– Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
– Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
– Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

Authentically You

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There was a time in my life when I said “yes” when I meant “no”, and “no” when I meant “yes”. Looking back, I realize I did it because that’s what I thought people wanted from me. And I wanted to be the person folks wanted me to be.

I said “yes” so often that my friend Fran gave me a t-shirt which read “Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again” which I wore to the next PTA meeting. I happened to be the PTA President at the time. Excellent team building message, don’t you think?

I said “yes” because saying “no” might have meant someone would be unhappy with me. It made no nevermind if I was unhappy. My own need to be liked was more important than my need to be happy.

And I was not happy. Because I was not allowing myself to be authentically Michele. I was allowing others to determine who I might be. Power, power — who’s got the power? It was anybody but me.

I just re-read a book I’ve learned so much from: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor Payson. The approach Payson takes in this book — what living with, working with, or being raised by a narcissist does to a person’s self-esteem, coping mechanisms and future relationships — is insightful. But I got something new from my recent re-read — the idea of self-reflection as an indicator of emotional and mental health.

People with a character disorder, such as narcissism, are incapable of self-reflection. I also think people who are sleep-walking through their lives often avoid self-reflection or self-observation because they are afraid of waking up and living fully. Maybe they are afraid of being authentically themselves.

I am here to tell you that self-reflection is the path to authentic living. When you know who you are, how you feel and what you like — not what others want you to be, feel or like — and you live it, that’s authenticity, baby.

There’s an index card on my computer monitor. On it are scratched three simple questions. For me, they are the heart of my own self-reflection.

  1. Why have I drawn this experience to me at this time?
  2. What is this experience trying to teach me?
  3. How can I use this situation to help me be a better person?

I refer to this card so often that these three questions have become my intuitive framework, especially when I am tempted to say “yes” when I really want to say “no”. The opportunity to say “no”, and mean it, often comes to me when I need to remember to keep my boundaries intact. Sometimes, it comes as a chance to help maintain my priorities — and not take responsibility for executing yours. I’ve learned that when I focus on executing other people’s priorities, it’s frequently at the expense of my own.

Every single time I say “no” when I want to say “no”, I reinforce that I am a Self worth being. All by myself. Regardless of whether you like me and my answer to your request, or not. When I stand up for myself, I am standing for my own authentic Me. That is a shift from my old way of being, and it feels really good. It feels like I am expressing my true self.

And, boy howdy, I become a better person when I only say “yes” when I mean “yes”. I do a better job. I’m not overcommitted. I’m more focused. I say “yes” because I really and truly want to do what’s asked of me. Believe me, if I say “yes”, you are going to see and feel my passion.

Being authentically me means that I honor my choices, and I honor my abilities. I’m living my passions. I’m feeling all my feelings. And expressing them. And when I’m authentically me, I make space for you to be authentically you. How? Because it’s perfectly OK with me if you are mad, happy, sad, silly, loving, offbeat, generous, hurt, wacky or meditative. Because I’m all those things, too.