Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

men

Men, Pizza and Opportunity

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PizzaLet’s say you’re sitting there in front of a lovely, hot, cheesy, delicious pizza.

It’s gorgeous. And you’re the only person in the room. It’s all yours!

Wait, what’s that? Someone you don’t know comes to the table and stands there. In your head, warning bells are going off – are you going to have to share? If you give that person a slice of pizza, how much will be left for you?

For the sake of argument, let’s say your office rules mandate that you have to give a slice of pizza to anyone who asks. So you grudgingly give a slice to the newcomer and sulk a little bit now that you’re left with one less piece of that gorgeous pie.

Your pal George comes in and of course you give George a slice – ha, ha! you have to! it’s the office rule! – and he takes the seat next to you.

You and George eat two slices each. It’s a great day.

But, the pie has gotten pretty small. It’s more than halfway gone, in fact.

You start to panic, and think about hiding the pizza. It’s against the rules to hide it, but it’s a really great pizza and you’ll no doubt be hungry some day – who knows if there’s ever going to be any pizza in your future? You and George begin to talk about ways you might lock the door, off-shore the pizza, or use metrics and analytics to make the pizza impossible for anyone else to understand, and, therefore, beyond the reach of their grubby little hands.

Just then, the person you gave the first slice to comes back into the room.

You tense up. Who is this woman!? She can’t possibly want more pizza!!

Wait, what’s that she’s carrying? It smells fantastic. Why, it’s a NEW pizza, one she made after having tasted yours!

Yes, having tasted that great, cheesy slice of pizza – she’d never been invited into that room before – she began to think, “What if we could make a pizza with sausage, mushroom and onions? I wonder what that would be like?”

Her pizza looks amazing. You have a slice of hers, and so does George.

Heads nod in agreement – this is one swell pizza. It was so smart of you to give her that first slice!

Through the door come three other people who had met the woman earlier. She taught them how to make pizzas, too, and this new group have invented a pizza with ham and pineapple, and another with chickpeas for gluten-free people, and one with – get ready for it – melty cheese in the crust!

You are astounded, and have one slice of each. Now, you’ve eaten two slices of your original pizza, and one of each of the new pizzas. Beyond your obvious bloat and need for a Tums, what are you left with?

A very satisfying experience. See, by giving up one slice at the beginning, you’ve received back four slices. Plus, you still have three slices of the original pie.

You have a pizza surplus.

And this is precisely how we’re going to get more women and people of color in leadership roles in organizations around the world.

Hang with me for a minute. Since 85% of US executive officers are men, it’s the guys already in the room who can make the biggest difference. They are the ones who can make sure everyone gets a slice of the pie on the table – by being aware of what happens in terms of growth and innovation when everyone is included and exposed to opportunities.

It’s totally counter-intuitive: Giving an opportunity takes nothing away from your own experience – rather, being generous actually creates multi-fold and plentiful rewards.

Remember the pizza surplus.

So, does it matter if there are more women in the C-suite? More people of color? More inclusion? Isn’t what I’m talking about just a grabby redistribution of power?

To my mind, it’s not about a power grab. It’s about this: Today’s fast-paced, highly changing world requires all-hands-on-deck solutions. All hands. Male hands, female hands, people of all hues, beliefs, backgrounds and experiences.

We’re all a part of the solution.

Which, come to think of it, simply means more a lot more pizza for everyone.

 

(thanks to the Washington Post’s Max Ehrenfreud for the pizza analogy in his piece here.)

What Do We Tell Our Sons?

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Detail Knight Armor

Is there really anything we can tell our small sons that they don’t already know about girls?

Shall we tell them that they can be friends with girls? I think they already know that from school.

Should we tell them that girls can be excellent athletes? Our boys are probably on a co-ed team right now and everybody knows Sophie is the best player they’ve got, anyway.

Should we tell them that girls can be astronauts and engineers and poets and doctors and lawyers and moms and governors and Senators and anything at all?

Sure, we could tell our small sons those things – and have our boys say, “Duh, tell me something I don’t know”.

Girls as peers is their reality.

After the overwhelming response to last week’s post, What Do We Tell Our Daughters?, I did some thinking.

Do we need to have a serious talk about girls and their abilities with every boy under the age of twelve – boys who are experiencing a much different world than did their fathers and grandfathers?

Or do we really need to talk directly to the men in the survey? Men thirty-three to sixty-seven?

I mean, they are probably someone’s son, or were at some point. So let me talk about these guys – our big sons – and all the people who love them.

And believe me – I love men. In every facet of their wonderful complexity.

Many years ago I read a book which was so insightful, so helpful, that I reached out to the author to say “thank you for writing this book, you are amazing, did I say thank you?” That book was What Could He Be Thinking by Dr. Michael Gurian. Mike became a friend and I’ve relied on him over the years for research-based insights. He was also a guest on my podcast twice, here and here.

In fact, when wrote about this subject in 2009, (in a post which you might enjoy at this moment: What Do Men Want?) I explored Mike’s idea that all men view themselves as heroes on a quest – and that’s a really important foundational piece when we try to figure out why so many men surveyed by Harvard expect their female partner to subordinate her career and to be the primary caregiver for their children.

My friend Dr. Gurian suggests that the male quest is about achievement and status and it’s biologically wired via the testosterone, vasporession and other hormones influencing their minds and bodies. In his book, he quotes a 42-year old male pediatrician as saying,

I admire my wife, who can take ten years off work and just focus on raising children. Even I, who love kids and have devoted myself to them, can’t see myself separating my job from my life. If I didn’t have my work, my family would not have a reason to love me. I know that sounds strange, but that’s they way I feel. I need to be doing something to make them proud of me.”

I’ve heard this same sentiment expressed by many of my male clients. And I hear another thing from them – so many men feel like their quest is very solitary. They are alone, fighting the good fight, overcoming the odds, doing everything they can to achieve and make a mark.

For many men, work is the way they identify who they are – alone, against the odds, proving something. And other men in the workplace are worthy competitors who help a man measure his success.

But today, there are women in the mix. Talented, educated women who have things they want to accomplish in their own careers. They bring plenty to the table – skills, expertise, perspective and, yes, drive.

And here’s the deal: Today, a good woman can help a good man reach his goals – not as a meek help-meet, but as a hero in her own right.

In What Do Men Want, I suggested that all men see themselves as Luke Skywalker – a hero on a quest – and we all know that while they gave Princess Leia a weapon, she didn’t shoot very well.

But times have changed, and now we have Katniss Everdeen who happens to be a very good shot. And she has Gale, and Peeta, and Haymitch – all good men – who support her, and she supports them in turn.

She is not subordinate in any way, and yet a revolution is fought and won.

So, this Katniss analogy right here? This is what I would tell the men in the study:

All the women in your life have the ability to be the strong, courageous, warrior partner you need to fulfill your quest.

When given half the chance, your female partner will have your back whether it’s at work, or at home.

Because she really wants you to achieve your quest – you’re life’s mission – and all she’s asking is that you want the same thing for her.

 

What Do We Tell Our Daughters?

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My daughter, Grace, is in her first year of college at a very competitive school. To qualify for admission, she took nine Advanced Placement credits in high school, captained two varsity sports teams, went to regionals in the science fair and wrote, directed and performed a one-person play.

Excited group of graduates in their graduation dayShe’s taking sixteen credits in her first semester of college and has begun talking about the best graduate studies for her career goals.

Her female friends, also at good schools, were similarly focused in high school and are achieving in college. They plan to go to medical school, to get PhDs, to excel.

This is what we want for our daughters, isn’t it? That they can be anything they set their minds to? That if they work hard then the sky is the limit? That there is no boundary to what they can achieve with their lives?

And yet.

And yet, here comes a new study from researchers at Harvard Business School that shows high-achieving women don’t feel a great deal of satisfaction in how their lives have turned out.

To tell you the truth, once I read the study I had to take a few days to process and understand it because it rocked so many of my assumptions.

You see, the researchers sampled 25,000 graduates of the Harvard Business School and found an enormous gap in expectations between male graduates and female graduates. It looked like this (for the Gen X group age 32-48):

– 61% of men expected their careers to take precedence over their wife’s career

– 70% of men reported that their careers did take precedence over their wife’s career

– 25% of women expected their husband’s career to take precedence over theirs

– 40% of women reported that their careers took a backseat to their husband’s

That’s a lot of disappointed women.

Think about it – they went to Harvard Business School. They expected to have a career parallel to their husband’s career – but…they didn’t.

There’s another question the researchers asked which is relevant – and it’s about child care:

– 78% of men expected their wives to handle primary responsibility for child care

– 86% of men reported that their wife was the primary caregiver for their children

– 50% of women expected to be the primary caregiver

– 65% found themselves doing so

So the majority of women expect a career-leveling partnership with their husbands, while the majority of men actually…don’t.

Women expected they’d be 50-50 partners with their spouse when it came to childcare, but men didn’t share that expectation.

It manifests itself this way: Men report greater satisfaction with their professional lives than do women. Across the board. Women feel stymied when it comes to having meaningful work and professional accomplishments. They feel like they haven’t had the chance to grow professionally the way they’d like to.

I wonder if part of the reason women are paid less than men for the same work is because the person deciding who gets paid how much is a guy who brings his own views to the table, thinking a man’s salary is “must have” while a woman’s salary is “nice to have”. Maybe women aren’t promoted because subconsciously the boss thinks she’ll step back and subordinate her career to her husband’s if he needs to relocate for his job. Because aren’t men’s jobs more important? And all women are primarily taking care of kids?

There’s a big, untrue belief that women want to opt out of their careers to care for children. The researchers write:

Our survey data and other research suggest that when high-achieving, highly educated professional women leave their jobs after becoming mothers, only a small number do so because they prefer to devote themselves exclusively to motherhood; the vast majority leave reluctantly and as a last resort, because they find themselves in unfulfilling roles with dim prospects for advancement. The message that they are no longer considered ‘players’ is communicated in various, sometimes subtle ways: They may have been stigmatized for taking advantage of flex options or reduced schedules, passed over for high-profile assignments, or removed from projects they once led.”

I also wonder if the reason so many of my fabulous, gorgeous, achieving female friends are still single is because a guy subsconsiously thinks, “She’ll never put her career on hold for me” or “She’s more successful than I want my wife to be.” If my hunch is true, how sad is that?

So what do we tell our daughters? Do we tell them to work hard, do well and excel in their chosen fields – to maybe end up graduating from the storied Harvard Business School – only to have to a secondary, unfulfilling career? Or to stay single their whole lives? Or, if they want to be truly successful, to never have kids?

And what do we tell our sons? Do we tell them that their work is always going to be the most important thing in their marriage? That women’s careers don’t matter? That good fathering amounts to less than a part-time gig?

Or do we take a deep breath and start thinking and talking differently? Talking about individual needs, the amazing power of true, loving partnerships and the joy that comes from allowing one another to be at their best – whether that looks like someone staying at home and someone going to work, or both going to work, or both starting freelance gigs so they can parent the way they want? And maybe thinking about how to best utilize people in the workplace based on their accomplishments and abilities without a thought to gender?

It’s a conversation we need to have, and a mindset we need to shift.

So, yeah, I know what I’m going to say to my daughter and also to my son.

And I’m saying it right now.

 

Every Man’s Journey

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Happy Father’s Day!  Back in 2009, I wrote a piece called “What Do Men Want” – and it’s still appropriate today. Read on:

Last week, I wrote about the surprising fact that as women age they grow increasingly sadder — their happiness peaks at age 47 and goes downhill from there.

If you clicked over to Marcus Buckingham’s article, you may have seen a little graph that showed women’s slide into unhappiness over time. But juxtaposed against this female happiness drop-off, you may have noticed that, starting at age 47, a man starts getting happier.

What? Men get happier and women get sadder, starting at the same mid-life point? There has got to be something to figure out here, don’t you think?

There are two psychologists whose work on men’s emotional health has been very illuminating for me — Dr. Terry Real and Dr. Michael Gurian.

Gurian has provided an apt analogy to understand the flow of men’s lives. He says that all men view themselves as warriors on a quest, and that the challenge at mid-life is to make the move from warrior to wise man. In my shorthand, a man must shift from being Luke Skywalker to becoming Obi Wan Kenobi.

When I think about Luke Skywalker, I think about a young man in a hurry. Impatient. Wants it now. Rash. Reckless. An anxious striver.

In contrast, who’s Obi Wan? Centered. Strong. Wise. Comfortable in his own skin. Peaceful. Happy.

OK, you’re thinking. Star Wars. Quest. Sure. Quest-schmest.

Consider this:

“If you are a woman, you may have noticed that your boyfriend or husband may talk in the evening about his accomplishments or inventions or the way he vanquished a business opponent. He is involved in realigning his sense of self-worth with what happened that day along the lines of the heroic intentions that he (or perhaps even you) projected for himself. You may notice it gives him pleasure and pride to review his accomplishments and potentials, whereas you may feel less of a need to review your own with your friends or even with him. As he provides you with details of his potency — his accomplishment and potential — a beautiful and mysterious thing is going on: he is bonding with you through the presentation of himself.” [What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian]

Feel familiar?

So a man is on a quest. When we think about quests, we tend to think big. The Holy Grail comes to mind, doesn’t it? But each man gets to designate his own Holy Grail — the only qualifier is that it has to feel big to the guy. One man’s life quest might be to produce an error-free P&L upon request. Another man may seek the cure for cancer. One might pursue the perfect model train set up. Another may strive to have his name on a building dedicated in his honor. One may want to post the highest score ever on Call of Duty 4.

Whatever it is, it’s the man’s motivator — and it’s really important.

Now, let me take a moment and speak directly to my sisters.

I believe strongly that what men want most from women is safety and deep acceptance. For much of his life, a man may have been told that he’s too smelly, or too dirty, or thinks about sex too much. He’s also told he needs to be in touch with his feelings, talk it out, feed the baby — while he’s being told to be strong, a lone wolf, and eat what he kills.

A man often gets the message that whatever he does, he’s gonna be wrong. Some how, some way, he’s wrong.

But when women provide a safe place for a man to be all the things he is, right and wrong, smelly and sexy, and give him deep acceptance of his quest, then men can fully relax, be authentic, be themselves… and be happy.

Because the old saw that men have the emotional life of rocks is just plain wrong.

“The main point is this: men are just as feelingful, just as relational, just as connected, just as dependent, just as needy, as women are. The idea that women are relational and men are rocks is just nonsense. I don’t believe that men are from Mars and women from Venus. I think we’re all from the same planet. What’s going on is that men had been coerced since boyhood to forego these relational qualities and skills and squeeze their sense of membership and self-esteem through performance. I believe that in this culture neither girls nor boys are taught healthy self-esteem. Girls are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through connection with others, and boys are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through performance. That’s a very vulnerable foundation for one’s sense of self-worth.” [Menweb.com Interview with Terry Real]

What do men want? After knowing them — by being their daughter, their sister, their wife, their friend, their girlfriend, their coach — I can say, men want to be men. They want to be recognized for the heroic things they do, and appreciated for their life’s quest. Regardless of scale.

And at age 47, a man might just feel accomplished. Financially, emotionally, physically. Men head into their peak earning years at age 50 — maybe that’s why they start to feel happier.

Their quest starts to pay off.

After all of those years of anxious striving and being wrong, finally they begin to be comfortable in their own skins. They know who they are and that what they want is OK and right.

If they’ve played their cards right, they’re Obi Wan.

And the Force is with them. Who wouldn’t be happy?

 

Happy The Man

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Carolyn Hax writes an advice column in the Washington Post. Today, she ran an item which made me stop, think, say “whoa” and immediately draft a response. It was that kind of letter, which I include for your perusal:

On the husband who is generous to himself and others but not his wife:

The wife doesn’t say how much sex they have.

I’ve found there is no amount of effort I can expend that will cause my wife to give me sex, the only thing I care about other than food, scuba or golf. I love her, but I’ve come to love her as a friend and business partner.

For men, there is no romance without sex. Lack of sex causes esteem issues and a general feeling of discontent.

These days, my wife gets the same birthday effort I give any friend. I say, “Happy birthday.” I save my efforts for people who may respond in kind. My golf buddies and I spend nine of 18 holes talking about how none of us has enough sex. The sex we do get is boring. The analogy we use is we own an ice cream store and we have to eat vanilla — when we can get it.

My wife does yoga and expends every effort to look good on the outside, but I only get to look most of the time. I take the kids to give her “me” weekends. I cook and do my share around the house. In fact, the weekends with the kids are more fun without her now because I’m not distracted by my disappointment over sex.

You mention that perhaps the wife was misled during courtship. Well, that works both ways. There are limits to the criticism I’m willing to endure from someone who refuses to understand my needs.

Did you notice what I noticed?

“…cause my wife to give me sex…”

Obviously, this fellow believes that sex is something he receives – like a stack of freshly pressed shirts – rather than as a mutually pleasurable experience for a couple.

You and I know that what we focus on becomes stronger in our lives, so every time he talks about the lack of sex in his marriage with his golfing buddies, he’s making that lack bigger and bigger and bigger – and actually making a happy sex life more difficult to achieve. Because he’s already decided how it’s going to be.

She gives. He receives. That’s the deal.

But what if he turned it around? What if he thought about what he gives more than what he gets? What if he went into every moment with his wife oriented toward giving her pleasure? Not just the physical intimacy portion of the program, but in the household chores, in the trips to the store, on the soccer sidelines? What if he shifted from one mindset to another?

What if he truly put her first?

My guess is that the sex-being-withheld focus would give way to deep connection, real happiness, and, yes, more sex.

Happy the man whose greatest treasure is his wife’s pleasure.

And you may quote me on that.

If the letter from this frustrated guy resonated with you and your relationship, take a hard look at the reality you’re choosing to make stronger in your life. Because even if you feel it’s being done to you, by focusing on what’s not working you are totally choosing it. If that’s not the reality you want, make a new one.

Focus on giving, rather than receiving.

And prepare to be worn out.

In a totally good way.

 

[graphic: Zach Galifianakis, Washington Post]

Happy Dude’s Day

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I love men.

I love teenage guys with their fierce self assertion. I like 20-something guys whose eyes shine bright with discovery. Men in their 30s, with a baby in a sling on their chest – dig ’em. Forty year old guys who coach Little League with that perfect recipe of toughness and pats on the fanny – nice! I absolutely adore men in their 50s, with their deep understanding of the world and how they fit into it. Men in their 60s, 70s, 80s – the frisky devils! I can’t wait to sit next to them at a dinner party.

I do love men.

Thanks to my son, my brothers, my dad, my guy friends, I really understand men, and appreciate how different they are. Because they really are. Men just think differently.

Sure there is research that shows that male brains are wired one way and female brains are wired another. And there is research which shows that there is no difference at all.

But from just living, I can tell you – there’s a difference.

And I’m glad there is.

Cuz, as stated before, I get a kick out of men.

Back in 2009, I gave you What Do Men Want?, and in that piece I wrote:

I believe strongly that what men want most from women is safety and deep acceptance. For much of his life, a man may have been told that he’s too smelly, or too dirty, or thinks about sex too much. He’s also told he needs to be in touch with his feelings, talk it out, feed the baby — while he’s being told to be strong, a lone wolf, and eat what he kills.

A man often gets the message that whatever he does, he’s gonna be wrong. Some how, some way, he’s wrong.

But when women provide a safe place for a man to be all the things he is, right and wrong, smelly and sexy, and give him deep acceptance of his quest, then men can fully relax, be authentic, be themselves… and be happy.

I believe that just as strongly today.

Men need space to be men – whatever that looks like for them.

Father’s Day, for both men and women, is a day to be thankful for the men in our lives. And to honor them fully, we must allow them to be who they are – fully.

Utter acceptance. What a gift.

So, let’s make today about totally digging guys, in all their dude-y dude-ness. You in?

What Do Men Want?

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Super hero flying into imagination

Last week, I wrote about the surprising fact that as women age they grow increasingly sadder — their happiness peaks at 47 and goes downhill from there.

If you clicked over to Marcus Buckingham’s article, you may have seen a little graph that showed women’s slide into unhappiness over time. But juxtaposed against this female happiness drop-off, you may have noticed that, starting at age 47, a man starts getting happier.

What? Men get happier and women get sadder, starting at the same mid-life point? There has got to be something to figure out here, don’t you think?

There are two psychologists whose work on men’s emotional health has been very illuminating for me — Dr. Terry Real and Dr. Michael Gurian.

Gurian has provided an apt analogy to understand the flow of men’s lives. He says that all men view themselves as warriors on a quest, and that the challenge at mid-life is to make the move from warrior to wise man. In my shorthand, a man must shift from being Luke Skywalker to becoming Obi Wan Kenobi.

When I think about Luke Skywalker, I think about a young man in a hurry. Impatient. Wants it now. Rash. Reckless. An anxious striver. In contrast, who’s Obi Wan? Centered. Strong. Wise. Comfortable in his own skin. Peaceful. Happy.

OK, you’re thinking. Star Wars. Quest. Sure. Quest-schmest.

Consider this:

“If you are a woman, you may have noticed that your boyfriend or husband may talk in the evening about his accomplishments or inventions or the way he vanquished a business opponent. He is involved in realigning his sense of self-worth with what happened that day along the lines of the heroic intentions that he (or perhaps even you) projected for himself. You may notice it gives him pleasure and pride to review his accomplishments and potentials, whereas you may feel less of a need to review your own with your friends or even with him. As he provides you with details of his potency — his accomplishment and potential — a beautiful and mysterious thing is going on: he is bonding with you through the presentation of himself.” [What Could He Be Thinking? by Michael Gurian]

Feel familiar?

So a man is on a quest. When we think about quests, we tend to think big. The Holy Grail comes to mind, doesn’t it? But each man gets to designate his own Holy Grail — the only qualifier is that it has to feel big to the guy. One man’s life quest might be to produce an error-free P&L upon request. Another man may seek the cure for cancer. One might pursue the perfect model train set up. Another may strive to have his name on a building dedicated in his honor. One may want to post the highest score ever on Call of Duty 4.

Whatever it is, it’s the man’s motivator — and it’s really important.

Now, let me take a moment and speak directly to my sisters.

I believe strongly that what men want most from women is safety and deep acceptance. For much of his life, a man may have been told that he’s too smelly, or too dirty, or thinks about sex too much. He’s also told he needs to be in touch with his feelings, talk it out, feed the baby — while he’s being told to be strong, a lone wolf, and eat what he kills.

A man often gets the message that whatever he does, he’s gonna be wrong. Some how, some way, he’s wrong.

But when women provide a safe place for a man to be all the things he is, right and wrong, smelly and sexy, and give him deep acceptance of his quest, then men can fully relax, be authentic, be themselves… and be happy.

Because the old saw that men have the emotional life of rocks is just plain wrong.

“The main point is this: men are just as feelingful, just as relational, just as connected, just as dependent, just as needy, as women are. The idea that women are relational and men are rocks is just nonsense. I don’t believe that men are from Mars and women from Venus. I think we’re all from the same planet. What’s going on is that men had been coerced since boyhood to forego these relational qualities and skills and squeeze their sense of membership and self-esteem through performance. I believe that in this culture neither girls nor boys are taught healthy self-esteem. Girls are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through connection with others, and boys are taught to filter their sense of self-worth through performance. That’s a very vulnerable foundation for one’s sense of self-worth.” [Menweb.com Interview with Terry Real]

What do men want? After knowing them — by being their daughter, their sister, their wife, their friend, their girlfriend, their coach — I can say, men want to be men. They want to be recognized for the heroic things they do, and appreciated for their life’s quest. Regardless of scale.

And at age 47, a man might just feel accomplished. Financially, emotionally, physically. Men head into their peak earning years at age 50 — maybe that’s why they start to feel happier.

Their quest starts to pay off.

After all of those years of anxious striving and being wrong, finally they begin to be comfortable in their own skins. They know who they are and that what they want is OK and right.

If they’ve played their cards right, they’re Obi Wan.

And the Force is with them. Who wouldn’t be happy?

What Is Love?

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Nothing like a pop song to get to the heart of the matter. “What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me!)” may not have been the top of the charts, but it had a good beat and you could dance to it.

Is that what love is, though? Love is just not getting hurt? Certainly that’s an implicit understanding in relationships — but don’t we also sing along with the equally catchy pop song with the chorus: “You only hurt the one you love”?

Many of you know that I am a big fan of the work of theologian Henri Nouwen. Recently I was reading his book Reaching Out. In it, Nouwen defines love as creating a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. What a thought! In this context, love is a gift you give with no promise of anything in return. And, no expectation of how a person must change to “win” your love. You remain an individual in a relationship, merely giving space to another individual in the same relationship.

Nouwen’s idea becomes very clear to me when I think about the love between a parent and a child. If my job as a loving parent is to make a safe place for my child to be fully herself, then I have to hear her opinions, tolerate both her purple hair and her messy room if that’s how my child expresses herself. This week.

In terms of romantic relationships, too, Nouwen’s definition has heft. To truly love someone, it’s imperative to let them be themselves. Not to ask them to change to meet your particular needs or your etched-in-stone expectations. If you have banked on marrying a guy with a fat wallet, are you really loving when you try to turn a poet into a corporate attorney? Or when you try to make a quiet, shy child into class president? Is that love?

If someone is destructive, reckless, negative or otherwise hurtful, the safest place for you might be to give the person an awful lot of room to be fully himself. Remember, our life’s mission is not to change or save someone — if their choices are destructive to us, we can lovingly step back and give them space.

In the seminal book The Art of Loving, psychologist Erich Fromm suggests that we are motivated by the anxiety caused by our inherent separateness as individualized human beings. Of course, this relates to our relationships with our mothers, as do most psychological theories. But don’t get me started on that. And how mothers are systematically eliminated from nearly all Disney films. That’s a whole other topic…

Back to the point. If our quest, as Fromm puts it, is to achieve union as a remedy to our anxious feelings of separateness, how do we find love as meaningful as in Nouwen’s definition? How do we manage the twin drives toward individuality and separateness?

Sometimes, frankly, we don’t manage them too well. For people who have unresolved issues around abandonment, or control, or separation from their parents, or personality disorders, or other blocks, the idea of being separate in an intimate relationship is scary and confusing. They may lack the tools to go within to resolve these problems, so they crave merger to salve their inner wounds. Aided by the popular culture which says, “Two Become One” (wasn’t that a Spice Girls song?), some people find it truly difficult to remain an individual in an intimate relationship. Experts say that it’s precisely this merger which threatens the health of our most intimate relationships.

So let’s reframe what relationships are supposed to be, shall we? Dr. Michael Gurian, who wrote What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man’s Mind Really Works, is an expert on brain biology. Bottom line: men’s brains and women’s brains are constructed differently so we act differently. It may not be that the man hogs the remote because he’s a self-centered jerk — he may just be wired to be territorial. Women aren’t weak and silly just because they like talking about stuff — it may be just that she feels bonded when she does so.

If I make a safe place for you to be a guy, and you make a safe place for me to be a gal, what have we got? Dr. Gurian’s theory of “Intimate Separateness” holds that there is a natural ebb and flow between the male brain’s need for independence and the female brain’s need for closeness. Merely understanding this nature-based fact can allow couples the freedom to be individuals and to move naturally between the two states — distance and closeness — without either being “right” or “wrong”. This helps couples move away from destructive expectations of merger which can’t be met anywhere except on the silver screen.

To love is to give. To love is to give a safe place for another person to be fully themselves. With no thought to what you’re getting in return. It’s a gift. It’s so much more than romance. It’s bigger than a crush. Yet, it’s simply a gift. A gift that enlarges the lives of both the lover and the loved.