Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

life coach

Who’s A Mom?

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“Mother” is one of those words that we think we understand,  yet “Mother” has a hundred different meanings depending on who’s using or hearing the word.

Mention “Mother” to Joan Crawford’s children, and you might get a wire hanger in the ear. Mention “Mother” to others, and you’ll get a honeyed story of love, kindness and connection.

And then there are the women who are not mothers, yet mother children every day. Teachers, aunts, neighbors, coaches, friends – these women are the ones who step up and provide stability and frameworks for children who might have mothers more like Joan Crawford and less like Michelle Obama.

I thank them.

Because it was women like this who gave me a glimpse of the woman I might become.

And it’s them that I recognize today, Mother’s Day.

Giving birth is just one aspect of mothering. Caring, nurturing, listening, challenging, supporting – these are the hallmarks of women who make differences in the lives of children.

“Every child needs and deserves at least one person who is crazy about them,” said Fran Stott, a noted child development expert. And while having a mother who is crazy about you sets you up for a life where you feel secure, loved and known – sometimes a mother is just unable.

We know this. Three quarters of great literature focuses on this theme.

And don’t get me started on the absent-mother theme in every single Disney movie.

Today, let’s recognize mothers, and thank them. Then let’s take a moment to thank all the other people who are crazy about our kids, too. Who listen to them, and tell them they are valued. Who love them.

Today, whether you’re a mom, or you’re a neighbor, or a Girl Scout leader, or a softball coach, or an aunt, or a school bus driver, or a widowed dad – from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being crazy about children. The work you do is vitally important, and emotionally enriching.

With every kindness to a child, you create a better world.

And I am absolutely crazy about you.

 

Finally Un-Stuck

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Stuck.

Don’t know.

Can’t decide.

Feels awful.

Stuck is a nerve-wracking place.  And takes a ton of energy.  So much energy, in fact, that it’s hard to find the oomph to do anything other than be stuck.

People who are stuck often face some kind of big decision or life change.  And they torment themselves with, “Is this the right choice? What if I make a mistake?”

That is the stuck place.  Can’t move forward for fear of doing something wrong, and can’t go back due to the space-time continuum, so… stay stuck.

There’s only one way to break through the muck and get un-stuck. And that is to reframe the question from, “Is this the right choice?” to “Am I choosing growth?”

Dr. Carol Dweck has written a terrific book on making this shift – it’s called Mindset, and reading it has really turned my head around and refined the way I coach.

Dweck’s research shows that simply shifting to a growth mindset opens up the stuck places. Of course, you have to believe it’s possible to learn and to grow. Think it’s possible? Yeah, I do, too. In fact, I value learning and growth as life-long pursuits. Do you?

If so, then when faced with a choice, always choose the option that gives you the most growth.

Doesn’t that feel easier?

The other half of the stuck factor is: “What if I make a mistake?”

Because we all know that making a mistake is the worst possible thing that can happen, right? Right?

When you’re coming from a focus on growth, though, mistakes have a lot less weight. Why? Because even mistakes are a place for learning.

If you choose growth, you give yourself a way to judge whether what you’re doing is working – you just ask, “Is it possible for me to grow? Am I growing right now?” So you take a job and six months later you are doing something other than what they hired you for and you are uncomfortably bored and disappointed. Did you make a mistake? Or did you just stop growing? How would it feel to tell a prospective employer that you took a job, the conditions changed and you realized you couldn’t grow there?  Would feel pretty clear and clean to me.  How about you?

When you choose growth, sweetums,  you always win. Why? Because even in a worst case scenario, you’ve learned something. Something that will allow you to do better next time.

OK, I will address the elephant in the room which frequently factors in stuckness – “What will other people think?” That’s a powerful mindset. And it’s easy to say, “Well, I don’t care what anyone else thinks”, isn’t it? But much harder to act in a way that runs counter to the beliefs of our families, our friends and our community of peers.

In a growth mindset though, my growth is my responsibility, and my commitment to myself. And if I am fully committed to my growth, then I can also be open and fully committed to yours. Which shifts the question from “What will other people think?” to “What will I think?” And removes another big stuck spot.

If you’re stuck, I’m telling you, all you need to do is make a simple choice. Just choose to grow.

If you’d like to get un-stuck and figure out where you need to grow, consider joining my What’s Next? Coaching Group, forming now for April.  Details?  Go here.

Got Envy?

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I’m just going to say it.

Some of us are frozen in time and space because of jealousy.

Some of us are so gripped with envy that we grasp and sabotage and act in ways unprincipled, just to get what we “want.”

The ick fairly drips when it comes to jealousy and envy.

Yet, it’s totally human and I’ll bet you that we’ve each run up against jealousy, the fear that you’re going to be betrayed and lose something important at the hands of someone else, and envy, which is the feeling of longing for something that someone else has.

We use these words interchangeably but they are quite different.

But here’s the good news – both can teach you tons about what needs changing in your own life.

Let’s look at envy.  Suzanne (of course, it’s not her real name), came to me for some coaching to improve her relationship with her boss.  As she gave me the  overview of her situation, she mentioned her Mortal Enemy At Work, Cathy.  Cathy was a brown-nosing, idiotic, unpolished jerk who totally rubbed Suzanne the wrong way.  Now, I know a coaching moment when I hear one, so I asked Suzanne to do this exercise:

The Envy Map

On a piece of paper, write down everything that ticks you off about the biggest jerk in your life.  Don’t edit or soften your feelings – put it all down.  Be thorough. Be ruthless.  Put it all out there.

Suzanne did the exercise (maybe you can do it, too, because there just might be a Mortal Enemy lurking in your life).  Then, I had her read me every single item she wrote about co-worker Cathy.  And a thread began to emerge – see, Cathy was the opposite of Suzanne in so many ways, and that is precisely what pissed Suzanne off. Where Suzanne was meticulous  about her clothes and hair to the point of being a real Felix Unger, Cathy was more of a sloppy Oscar Madison.  Where Suzanne respected hierarchy and rules, Cathy was a charming extrovert who got what she wanted regardless of the rules.

Suzanne told me a story – and her rage was palpable as she spit out the details – “We were walking down the hall and here comes the boss, Tom.  I said, ‘Hello, Tom’ being respectful, and Cathy goes, ‘Hey, Tom! How’s it going? Want to grab a sandwich at lunch?’ and I was like, I cannot believe she just did that!”  I asked what the problem was.  Suzanne, incredulously, said, “She asked the boss to lunch!”

I believe my response was a brilliant and insightful, “So?”

The real problem, of course, is that Cathy did easily that which Suzanne had put out-of-bounds.  Suzanne wasn’t really mad at Cathy – Suzanne was mad at Suzanne for being so rigid and formal that she was not able to craft a relationship with Tom.

This kind of understanding is what The Envy Map can do for any of us.  When we take a hard look at the most difficult people in our lives and the things they do that tick us off the most, we get insight into some lost and orphaned feeling or experience we need to tend to.

Cathy was great for Suzanne, because she taught her how to create a better relationship with Tom.  Suzanne began taking small steps, built a stronger alliance with her boss, and – guess what? – actually became friends with Cathy.  Suzanne’s work stress level went way down, and she felt happier and happier.  Ultimately, she was promoted, but mostly, she feels good about herself.

Envy is always an early warning signal.  When you have that encompassing feeling that someone’s got something you want, the trick is to step back from plotting how to take it away from them (yes, I know what you’ve been planning) and step toward understanding what it is you’ve neglected and need to get into your life.

Busy But Not Productive

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One thing that absolutely drives me nutty is busyness. Busy, busy, busy – say it fast enough and you buzz like a bee. Which is, apparently, quite a good thing, as we often say, “Busy as a bee.”

And maybe we get a buzz from all that busyness. When we’re busy, we belong to the collective hive of others who are busy, too. Buzz, buzz, buzz, we’re all in motion together.

Let me ask you this: are you busy for the sake of being busy, or are you actually doing something?

What do you have to show for all of your flitting around?

Anything?

At all?

First bees and now athletes – I’m going metaphor-crazy. But hang with me, will you?

I’ve been watching the Olympics this week and have been struck by the efficiency of the athletes. I have watched skiers, eyes closed, visualizing the run they are about to take. Virtually practicing, they move their bodies as if they are edging through the gates at ninety miles an hour.

And I’ve watched figure skaters who put their hand here, their hip there, their toe spike down precisely at this point in a jump. That’s the only way they can land the quadruple toe loop.

But probably the most efficient athletes I’ve watched have been the ski jumpers. They launch, they move right into position, they fly.

All of these athletes practice, practice, practice until their discrete moves become muscle memory and more than second nature.

Know what else they have? They have a goal in mind – to win, sure. But also to be better than the last time they skated, skied or jumped. To have a better score, or to shave off two tenths of a second.  That’s a win.

So for you to turn your busyness into productivity, you, too, must have a goal in mind and move efficiently toward it.

Which also means you have to have priorities. Because you can have four million goals to reach, but if none are sorted by importance you’ll spend ten seconds on each and accomplish nothing.

Which is not the way Olympic athletes train.  They spend hours on one arm position.  On where their knees should be on landing.  On positioning their poles.

Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you do in a day. [Competitive? Then write down everything you do in a week.] Group them into broad categories, like Work, Kids, Spouse, Home, Bill Paying, Mom, Exercise, Professional Whittling (hey, it’s OK to have a hobby). Then look at your categories. Does work support your kids, or do kids support your work? Compare each category this way and you will ultimately have a sorted list of your priorities.

Voila.

There’s another step.

Look at your list of priorities.  Which lights you up and brings joy to your life?  If that thing or things are low down on your list, then perhaps the reason you’re not productive is the conflict between what your heart wants and what your mind wants.  Spend some time sorting out this piece and you’ll find that perhaps you can care less about your work identity – which will free up time and space to serve your parenting priority. Or your inner whittler.

Once you have your priorities in alignment, see which you need to attend to now, which can wait, and which can be dropped. If you are still tying your sixteen year old’s sneakers, trust me, you can let that go. Obsessively worrying about next Christmas can wait. Fixing the hole in the roof? That’s a now thing.

There is no point in being busy for the sake of being busy. It’s all wasted movement that generates nothing.

“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”  (The Tragedy of Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, by William Shakespeare)

Signify something. Drop the busyness in favor of efficient productivity. And the only buzz in your life will come from seeing all that you’ve accomplished.

Your Wish Is My Command

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Big happy thanks to each of you who took the time to answer my short survey this week. There’s still time if you’d like to give me your thoughts, so click here to go to the survey.

I learned a lot from you all.

First, more of you would like an opportunity to work with me.

You’d like lower cost programs, designed to help you with your career or your business.

You’d like self-paced programs.

You’d like to see me collaborate more.

Which is really cool, because that’s the same stuff I’ve been thinking about.

So, let me make two announcements which will go right to the heart of the matter.

First, a very low-cost/high reward opportunity. You may remember the November free call where I talked with my friend, Good Vibe Coach Jeannette Maw, about aligning values, priorities and intentions. It was one of the most downloaded classes either Jeannette or I have ever seen. So, we figured, hey, why not do more of that?

We’ve decided to do a monthly conversation on a subject of interest – the first one will be on that perennial Big Issue: money. If you want to listen live and have the chance to ask questions, it’s a monthly subscription of only $9. And, you’ll get the recording, too. If you just want the recording, it’s $5. Simple. Easy. Fun. Want to sign up? Go right to: Listen In On Michele and Jeannette.

Second, so many of you are in the place where you need to reinvent your lives… You’re looking at a Second Act that may just change your life, and it’s kind of scary and there’s no roadmap and how’s it all going to work out? Good news, I can help you there.

My friend, author Mary Beth Sammons, wrote the best-selling Second Acts That Change Lives: Making A Difference In The World.  We’ve adapted the material from her book – and added tools and tactics from my coaching practice – to create a fabulous month-long telecourse will to help turn the “someday I’d love to” into “today I will”. For more information, check out: Second Acts That Change Your Life.

And, because we know many of you want to launch your second act by writing a blog… we’re offering two classes on blogging. Mary Beth is a fantastic editor and writer – she was a columnist at the Chicago Tribune and has written for magazines, and online outlets like MORE.com, CarePages.com, and BettyConfidential.com. She’s a pro and I’m happy to partner with her. Info on the blog classes can also be found at Second Acts That Change Your Life.

One more thing I’m working on in response to your requests – I’m preparing some workbooks for you to help you solve issues you face in your career. How to deal with difficult people. How to do a job search. How to ace an interview. How to get clear. How to really know what it is you want. I’ll be rolling these out as soon as I complete them. Stay tuned for more information, willya?

Bottom line: I am so grateful for each of you who read what I write and take the time to tell me what it is that you really want. I promise I will do my best to deliver. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll create some stuff that will surprise you, delight you and make you think.

Oh, and get you to a very happy, purposeful life, too.

More On Money

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Last week’s post Money Changes Everything got a lot of attention. Comments, tweets – many of you wrote me directly to share your own personal fears around money.

I figure I hit a nerve.

Money is a hot button issue for a bunch of reasons, and we talked about some of them during the class. First, money is shrouded in secrecy. Remember when you were a kid? Did you know how much your dad made? Or how much your mom brought in? Did you know what your family’s mortgage payment was? Or how much it cost to load up the station wagon and drive to the Grand Canyon that long, hot summer?

Of course you didn’t.

One doesn’t talk about money.

And how did that set you up to handle your own money? Did you have knowledge, and experience, and a context for your own spending? Your savings? Your investing?

Did secrecy allow you to stand up and ask for money? No, I’m guessing it didn’t. Which is why you often find out too late that you are paid forty percent less than the guy in the cube right next to yours – and you do exactly the same work with the same result.

There’s also a ton of meaning assigned to money. Many of us think, “When I am paid $X, I will have it made.” But when we get paid $X, we still don’t have it made. It’s like the guy who thought plastic surgery would change his life. Truth? He had the same old troubles and worries – he just had a new face.

And we have so many ideas about money – ideas like, “Don’t keep your money in a bank. Banks cheat people like us.” Or, “Stocks and insurance are just for rich people.” Or, “My family has never had two nickels to rub together.”

The conflict comes in when we do have a bank account, stocks, insurance and a savings account. It’s pretty challenging to go up against all those beliefs people you love held dear.

But that’s exactly what you need to do to get your money mindset in order.

I love when people make big discoveries about themselves. That light bulb pops up over their head, there’s a gleam in their eye, they exhale three decades of stress out slowly – it’s a truly wonderful moment.

But there’s a step that comes after discovery. It’s asking yourself, “OK, now I get it. My ideas about banks are really my grandmother’s ideas about banks. What do I want my own idea about banks to be?“

To set yourself free, you have to own your own ideas, born of your own experiences.

So if you want the secrecy to stop, stop it.  Sit down with your kids and go over a budget – with income and expenses.  Tell them there are some things a family shares with each other, and that you trust them enough to share something important.  How do you think that will set them up to be successful, independent, financially secure adults?

Pretty well, I’m thinking.

And meaning?  To tell you the truth, whatever you think you’ll do when you “have it made” – you can do right now. Want to be in a position to give back? Donate blood. Officiate a softball game. Mentor a kid. Want to relax and be less worried about money? Take charge of your finances. Completely understand where you’re spending and decide to do it in a way that brings out the best in you. Want to have stuff you love? Love the stuff you have.

When you take care of your financial health, you will have it made. Because you’ll feel better about yourself and your life.

Which is the whole point.

Money Changes Everything

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Let me shoot straight with you.

Most of your biggest problems stem from fear.

And most of your biggest fears boil down to money.

Will I have enough?

Will I have enough to do all the things I should do?  Buy the things I should buy?

Will I fit in with my peers if I don’t have $150 jeans or regular Botox injections or trips to Disney World?

What if I have too much, and don’t fit in?  What if I become everyone’s piggybank?

What if I lose everything?  What would people think?

We place so much meaning on money.

What I’m paid reflects my value to society.

If you give me money, you must like me.

Money is the way to get the power to do what you want.

And there’s the negative about money.

People with money are unhappy, egotistical jerks.

Money changes everything.  For the worse.

These fundamental, underlying, limiting ideas around money don’t really help you – they only serve to hold you back.  You don’t ask for the raise, because you’re afraid you’ll find out what your boss really thinks about you. Which is – you fear – not much.

Or you decline to negotiate your child support agreement because you fear you’ll be reminded that your ex disliked you enough to end your marriage.

It’s a potent cocktail of emotion.  And some of you have ordered a double.  On the rocks.

But, believe me, money can be simple.  It can be easier. Know how?

Do this: Shift to seeing money as a tool.  Just a tool.  Not a referendum on you as a person.  Or your value to society. Or your desirability.

Swap out your troubling money thoughts for this: “Money is a tool that will allow me to do things in support of my priorities.”

Of course, you need to know your priorities.  And be very clear on them.  And make sure they’re your priorities, and not the priorities of your parents, your grandparents, your peers or any of the Kardashian sisters.

Because, in the long run, taking care of your financial health is the ultimate expression of self-care.

When I take good care of my financial health, I am taking good care of me.  And of my priorities, goals and intentions.

And when I am free of  limiting, negative, fearful attitudes toward money, I can easily ask my clients to pay me, or ask my boss for a raise.  I can make wise purchases and investments that support me and where I want to go.  When I am clear, I am the best advocate for myself.

When I stop operating from fear around money, I naturally move to living in comfort with money. I go from “can’t” to “can.” I move from lack to abundance, spontaneously.

It’s not that money changes everything, honey.  It’s your attitude around money that truly changes things.  Let it be for the better.

Let’s Re-Cap

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Want to take a walk with me? Let’s walk back through some of our favorite blog posts of the year, shall we? And feel free to dawdle wherever you want.

We looked at a big, honking question on February 8th – What’s Your Why? Using the book Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl as a framework, I talked about how to figure out your own, personal “Why?” so it’s easier to get to the “What?” and the “How?”

Power Talk on February 15th was all about how to nail a job interview, or shore up your position at work. “Why not use this question — “what are your expectations for me in the coming months?” — with your boss, or your board, or, if you’re brave enough, with your subordinates? Why not use this question to touch base, and to “sell” yourself and your abilities?”

The Absence of Perfect, Part 2 on March 1st looked at perfectionism: “You can hold on to your idea of “perfect” or, as I suggest, you can ask yourself, ‘what’s my best option right now?'”

Meeting Faith on April 12th was a personal favorite. I really did meet Faith. On an airplane. And she’s a PhD candidate with a fascinating personal story. Meeting Faith restored my faith that strangers are just friends I haven’t met yet.

Do Less, Get More from May 24th was not a slacker’s mantra, but rather an explanation of my 100 Units Of Energy theory. Oh, and it comes with a free recording!

Change your thoughts, change your life. That was the subject of A New Normal on May 31st. “When normal’s not working for you, just make a new normal.” Sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

Deep in the throes of writing a book that is still in process, I shared How To Tell A Story on June 7th, which debuted my simple tool: Now Words/Future Words. When you look at how things are now compared to how you’d like things to look in the future, you can consciously shift away from stuff that’s limiting you – toward stuff you really want.

Did I tell you about Meeting Sandra Day O’Connor? Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. On June 28th. This is a post about authenticity and knowing oneself. As Madame Justice clearly does (for those keeping track, this is the post about Being Your Own Buddha).

More Than Anything from July 26th, asked: “‘What do you want more than anything right now?’ Stop. You have an immediate answer, don’t you? That’s your gut talking to you.” Listen.

What’s The Point? on August 2 struck a chord with, “Never confuse urgency and drama with meaning and purpose.”

And this one was an eye-opener. Mama Ain’t Happy from September 20th discussed the disturbing findings that once a woman hits 47, her happiness declines rather dramatically. How to cope? Well, I urge women to… misbehave. Yep, misbehave and have fun.

In You on October 18, I talked about how you can change your language and find your power. It’s as simple as changing “don’t” to “will”.

As in, “I will keep writing my blog in 2010” And, I will. Every week. I thank each of you for reading, and for sharing posts that resonate with your friends and family. It’s a pleasure, a privilege and a responsibility to write – and an honor when you tell me that something I’ve written has touched your life.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the connection between us. Bring on 2010. We’re ready, so let’s get going.