Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

lack

Longing For The Missing Thing

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We human beings are funny creatures.

Sometimes we feel the most motivated when someone tells us what we’re NOT allowed to do.

After a lifetime of being a regular Sporty Spice, I developed arthritis in my right knee and ended up with a total replacement in February of this year. Once I had checked some post-surgery milestones off the list, my kind and handsome doctor said, “Well, Michele, you are cleared to do pretty much whatever you want. You can walk wherever you want to go, you can play golf, or tennis. You can ride a bike or use the elliptical. You can ski!”

I silently contemplated the last time I had skiied (15 years ago) or played tennis (summer camp?), while he paused.

“The one thing I don’t want you to do, though, is run. Your new knee just won’t tolerate that.”

“OK,” I said, with relief. See, I’m not built for running. I have short legs and a long torso, and other than that three weeks about ten years ago where I put my heart into finding the runner’s high (eluded me), I’ve realized that I’m built more for rambling than running.

The rehab for my knee replacement involved a lot of walking. I walked to the post office. I walked my dogs. I walked just to walk.

I watched my step count climb as my knee got stronger and stronger.

And one day while walking across a bridge, the most powerful feeling overcame me. I felt the profound and urgent need to break into a run.

Me. A non-runner. A lifetime non-runner. A softball player who specialized in hitting homers because then I could trot around the bases rather than sprint.

On that bridge, I found myself inexplicably longing to do the one thing my doctor explicitly forbid me to do.

I longed, beyond all reason, to do something I’m not actually built to do. The thing I actually have never really liked to do.

I wanted in that moment, with my whole heart and soul, to run.

This is human nature, isn’t it? Whenever something is placed “off-limits”, it becomes tantalizing.

It’s like there’s a huge neon sign in our brains flashing “You can’t! You can’t! But you wanna!”

A friend of mine suggests that when anything becomes a taboo, our minds go instantly into a famine mentality and all we can think about is the thing we can’t have.

If you’re on a diet and constantly remind yourself that you can’t eat french fries, all your darling human brain will think about is the fries.

If your boss directs you to never have anything to do with the IT department, you’ll see those nerds everywhere. (And your laptop will constantly fritz out, too.)

You will fixate on the thing you feel you lack, even if the thing you lack is something you don’t really want.

Weird, huh?

So it seems to me that now may be the time to take a look at two things in your own life. One, what have you placed “off-limits” for the people in your life? Your partner, your kids, your friends? Your direct reports? Your co-workers? Are you setting them up, then, to fixate on the wrong thing?

And, two, where have you done the same thing to yourself?

The cure for this extremely human drive toward Longing For The Missing Thing, though, is deceptively easy.

Rather than say, “I can’t run now that I have a bionic knee”, simply say, “I’m the kind of  person who rambles.”

This affirmative statement makes all the difference in where you put your attention. And makes your choices easier.

When offered fries on the side, you can come back with, “Thanks, but I’m the kind of person who eats leafy greens.”

See how focusing on what you have over what you lack makes your life get easier? And more full. And you feel more effective and engaged.

And that is especially true when you no longer feel compelled to do something you never really wanted to do in the first place.

 

Change One Thing To Be Really Happy

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If you ask what’s my baseline, fundamental belief about the world, I’d have a fairly simple answer.
strawberries

You see, I believe that there are really only two ways to go through life.

You’re either someone who believes (let’s call them Camp A) that there’s never enough and you can’t trust anything, or (Camp B) you believe there’s plenty to go around and you trust most things.

Camp A’s motto is “I got mine. You go get yours.” Or maybe it’s “I got mine and now I’m going to prevent you from getting yours because there may not be much left and I may want more tomorrow.”

Camp B’s slogan is “I got mine. Want some?” Or maybe it’s “I see you don’t have any. How can I help?”

Since they don’t trust – anything – leaders and managers who come from Camp A tend to micromanage, bully and disparage. They push overwork, over-achievement, over-delivering because it means more for them! But there’s never really going to be enough because “enough” doesn’t exist in their mindset, does it?

Now, people who come from abundance and trust are quite different. As leaders and managers, they mentor, teach and lead by example. They know that trusting employees to work from home or take twelve weeks off after the birth of a baby is an investment in their people’s  quality of life and creates high-performing, committed workers.

So, in shorthand:

Abundance means there’s always enough.

Lack means there’s never enough.

Trusting that things will work out for the best means that they often do.

Trusting that things will always go south means that they often do.

The camp you fall into on this defines the quality of your life and the richness of your experience.

Best-selling writer Jonathan Haidt, who’s been called a “top world thinker”, wrote a book called The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom in 2006. In the book, Haidt offers a formula for achieving happiness, represented by:

H = S + C + V

(Math! In a Michele Woodward blog post! Alert the media!)

H stands for your overall happiness. S represents your “Set Point”, C is the conditions of your life (do you have a long commute? A happy marriage? A leaky roof? A bum knee? A beautiful garden?) and V stands for the voluntary things you choose to do (anything you do that brings meaning or brings pain).

And, of course S is all about whether you come from abundance and trust or lack and fear.

The interesting thing is that simply changing one part of the formula makes a huge difference in  your overall happiness. Want to guess which one?

That’s right, diligent readers – your set point makes up the biggest part of your overall happiness. So, while you can change the conditions of your life by moving closer to the office, fixing the roof or getting physical therapy for your knee, and you can certainly choose to do more meaningful things, but the real payoff comes from shifting your set point.

Whatever you can do to let go of fear and allow more trust will pay off.

Whatever you can do to remind yourself that there’s plenty of good stuff out there for you will pay off.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Seems like there are plenty of people who will invite you into Camp A, ask you to take a chair and settle in for a long, long sit. They’ll also tell you that people in Camp B are foolish, naive and stupid because the world is a hard place and you have to fight and scratch to get what you need in this life.

But I’ll tell you something – people in Camp B are happy. They really are, profoundly and innately. And they can be productive, successful and at the top of their game. Their lives are not struggles – in fact, their lives seem inordinately lucky, kind of effortless and even blessed.

It’s pretty sweet.

So, how about this? How about you start your membership in Camp B today? Start by noticing when things go your way. Keep track of times when there is more than enough. Remember that all trust begins with trusting yourself – so do what you can to stop the second-guessing, the self-doubt, the self-disparagement.

Step by step, move by move, opportunity by opportunity, you will build your trust that the world is actually full of wonderful things for you, and for others.

There’s plenty of room in our tent here in Camp B, and there’s space for you right here next to me.

Can You Dream?

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inscription dream on the sand at the beach.

So someone asked me about dreams, and I thought instead of writing my answer, I’d say it. Happy listening.

Listen now streaming on your device:


Or download all seven minutes for listening later:



[If you like this format, will you let me know in the comment section? Merci!]

 

 

The One

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She asked me, “Do you think he could be The One?”

I looked at her hopeful face and wondered how she would take my hearfelt answer — no, honey, he’s not The One. He might be a wonderful guy, and you might be extremely happy with him, but he’s not The One.

Because there’s no such thing as The One.

Despite everything you’ve been told, The One is a myth that only serves to hold us back and make us wretchedly unhappy.

Because there’s not just one person in the whole world who you can love — there are millions.

Pick your jaw up from the floor, sweetie, and bear with me here.

When you decide that there’s only one person out there with whom you can be happy, be contented, be yourself, be deeply committed with — well, you’re setting a limit. A big limiting limit.

Still don’t believe me? Ok, when you say that there’s only one person you can love, what about the woman I knew who was widowed when her young husband was killed in his tank in the Battle of the Bulge? To say that he was The One — the only person she could possibly ever love — what does that say about her second marriage which thrived for fifty years? The one in which she was happy, contented, herself, and deeply committed? Was it wrong? Which marriage didn’t count?

Is it possible that both husbands could have been The One?

Starting to understand? OK, let’s talk about this in the simple terms of abundance and lack. Abundance means having lots and lack means having very little, or, worse, none at all. Believing in The One sets up a deep, black, lack hole. Coming from a lack mindset, I think that I may only get one shot at happiness, so I better get it right. I better be picky. Or, I better hold on to a mediocre boyfriend because what if he’s The One? What if this is as good as it gets?

Abundance is just the opposite. Abundance means that there are many people I can love and be committed to. So if you hit me, or steal my money, or treat me like dirt — I’m a-walking. Because I know, deep down, that there is someone else out there I can love. Plenty of someone elses.

Now, I have to say this: I am a friend of marriage in general, and a friend of your marriage in particular. I am not saying that living in abundance allows you to have affairs all willy-nilly and be off the hook because you’re just living in abundance, dude, and all your partners are The Ones. Huh-uh.

Knowing that there are many people you can love yet acknowledging that you have chosen your spouse is how you divorce-proof your marriage.

Borrowing what I know from weight loss coaching, putting anything off limits creates a lack and only serves to place that “bad food” right smack dab at the top of your mind, increasing your desire to have that “bad food”. To foil that impulse, it’s important to tell yourself that you can have any food — but you’re choosing that which is healthy.

Imagine how different you might take an office crush with this mindset. Rather than wondering, “Maybe my spouse isn’t really The One. Maybe the office crush is The One. If he wasn’t The One would I be feeling all these feelings?”

Naturally, you’d be feeling the crush! Because he’s one of The Ones you could possibly love. But he’s just one of The Ones. Knowing that there is plenty of love available to you puts the crush into perspective and allows you to stay committed to the person you’re committed to.

And I have noticed that people carry over The One idea to their careers. Some people have an attitude that their job should be The One. Which is, again, coming from a lack place. People stay too long in jobs when they worry that maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe working somewhere else would be harder. Or worse. Or just have different jerks.

My first job out of college was great — I worked with a terrific team of peers, and I’m happily connected with them today. It was a challenging and affirming job. But had I stayed there, I would never have had the tremendous experience of working at The White House. Which was, in a word, amazing. And had I not left The White House (well, the Secret Service would have escorted me out one way or the other after the new President took office), I would never have worked for Anne Wexler and have had five inspiring and educational years with her.

And, of course, I would not be the coach I am today without all those experiences.

I loved them all. They were each The One. And The Ones keep on coming. Because I live in abundance and happily welcome them with open arms.

Oh, there are many ways to be happy, darlings. When you know that there’s is plenty to choose from — not just One, but Many — you can live in non-desperate abundance and make sound, fulfilling choices. And you’ll find yourself surrounded in love. With all The Ones that are out there for you.

$4 Gas

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Almost eighty years ago, Americans saw a dramatic drop in their financial well-being. That October day, as Wall Streeters jumped from windows and banks closed their doors, the United States went from the buoyant ebulliency of the Roaring Twenties to the dire straits of the Depression.

People lost their homes to foreclosure, and their jobs to industry destabilization. There wasn’t enough food, even at the soup kitchens. Farms dried up and blew away.

Those were hard times.

And today, we have gas prices pushing nearly four dollars a gallon where I live. For regular. Food costs are up 35% since the first of the year. Foreclosures are up 650% in a neighboring county. A friend got a new job — working to ease the “out-placement” of over 3,000 white collar workers at a multi-national financial services firm once known as a “safe” place to work.

Airline travel, I’m told, will be more expensive this summer and schedules will be compromised as more and more airlines face financial difficulties. At the same time, AAA suggests we drop the idea of long car trips due to the rising price of fuel. So where are you going for vacation this summer? Your basement bunker, perhaps?

The media bleats and blurts: “Doom!”, “Gloom!”, “More at 6!”

I don’t know how you’re doing, but, frankly, I don’t want any more at 6pm. Focusing on the awful can prevent me from seeing the real — and the wonderful.

So let me suggest a Personal Finance Reality Check. Do these three things, and see if your mood shifts from doom and gloom to something else.

First, sit down with at least the last three statements from your checking account. If, like me, you do online banking and use a software program like Quicken, this work will be a cinch. Look at your grocery spending — has it changed? By how much? Your gasoline expenses? Credit card purchases? Other expenses? Get a handle on how much these have gone up, and keep that percentage in mind when you do the second step.

Second, project your expenses for May. Plug in numbers for gas, groceries and other expenses that reflect the rate of increase you’ve seen in the last three months. So, if you had been spending $200/mo. on gasoline, and you have seen a 35% increase, project a gas expense of $270 for May. Make your expense projection mirror the types of expenses you’ve had for the last three months — dining out, travel, clothing, whatever. Be consistent.

Third, total up your projected May expenses. How’s that number look against your projected income for the month? Running a deficit? Rather than turning to your credit cards for quick relief, go back to your projected expenses list and see where you can make gentle cuts which result in significant savings. For instance, eating out twice a week, rather than four times a week, will save you plenty. Limiting discretionary driving will use less gasoline. Less gas = less cost. If you, like me, often meet with clients in person, perhaps you could shift to more conference call meetings for the time being.

None of these suggestions are exactly brain science. You’ve heard them plenty of times from plenty of people far more famous and wealthy than lil’ old me.

But, here’s the difference. Make these changes in your life not as a punishment, and not from a place of worry or lack — make these changes because you can, and because they are healthy. Embrace the changes. Be joyful about them. Love that you have the innovative thinking and personal power to take this weird economy and use it for your benefit.

You are not powerless to a jittery economy. No, my friends, you can take this time of uncertainty and shift it from the constant water torture of fear of lack that can be paralyzing, into a great awareness and gratitude for what you do have.

Because what you have is the ability to take care of yourself. Don’t let the doom-and-gloomers promising more at six make you forget that.

Abundance vs. Lack

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Imagine Lewis and Clark cresting a hill and looking down over a plain teeming with more wild creatures than they’d ever seen. If they came to expect plentiful game over every hill, the explorers could take only what they needed and leave the rest to grow and multiply.

But if they crested the hill sick with famine, they might be tempted to slaughter everything they could and gorge — in answer to their famine or anticipated famine. That tactic, of course, decimates herds and leads to what? Lack.

Life’s like that. If you see the world as an abundant place, you take only what you need knowing your needs will always be met. Likewise, seeing the world from a famine-state, from “lack”, can cause us to take much more than we can possibly use and end up in excess.

Although it’s been said that “nothing succeeds like excess”, “Keep it simple, stupid” also rings true. Living in abundance is much simpler than living in lack.

What’s your relationship with abundance? Do you see the world as a naturally abundant place? Do you have everything you need in your life, or do you carry the feeling that there is something missing — plenty you lack?

Once I talked with someone who is 5 feet 11 inches tall. Know what she said? “I always have wished I was six feet.” Going through life lamenting one inch? Come on, now! From my five foot six perspective, the girl’s got abundance! But in her eyes, she’s just a little bit lacking.

The feeling of lack is one of the most pernicious limits we human beings place on ourselves. The sense of lack, the feeling that we don’t have enough, most often comes down to three areas: Money, Time and Love. Let’s look at how a “lack mindset” works with each, shall we?

Lack of Time Those who have attended one of my Stress Less Now! workshops know that the clinical description of stress is feeling you don’t have the tools necessary to complete the task at hand. When we feel as though we lack the tool of time, we rachet up the stress level for ourselves. We live in crisis mode. We often compensate by rushing through things — giving us plenty of opportunities to make careless mistakes and beat ourselves up for not being more careful. We often excuse our faulty decision-making saying we haven’t enough time to “think it through.”

Lack of Money When people wish for abundance, they are most often wishing for more money. Many of my clients have the long-standing belief that the solutions to most of their life’s problems could be solved if only they had enough money. They don’t have enough and can’t possibly get enough. They have a lack. To address the perceived lack, though, they can get into dead-end jobs they hate — just for the money. Or, they create such a money famine that they spend recklessly, buying more stuff in an attempt to address the famine. But the underlying perception of lack is not addressed — and persists.

Lack of Love Here’s where a perceived lack of love bites us in the patootie: a newly single person looks around and says, “Hey! I don’t have enough love! I lack a partner! I need to get me one!” So they grab for the first guy or gal who crosses their path — and then wonder why the relationship doesn’t work. It’s not, “I want to be with you”, but “I want to be with someone, and you’re handy.” This leads to intolerable situations with unsuitable people. And unecessary heartbreak. And no meaningful solution to the feeling of lack.

How to turn this all around? Here’s a tip: Shift your feeling of lack — “I don’t have enough” — to one of abundance — “I have exactly what I need at this moment.” Sounds too easy? Or Pollyanna-ish? Or downright impossible?

Need a concrete exercise? Okie doke. Write it down: what is it you want the very most in the world? A client recently told me she needed more attention. She’s dealing with some really tough decisions and feels like no one’s calling her to check in and see how she’s doing. I asked her how often she picked up the phone to reach out to people in her life. “Uhhhmmm,” was the response. Ask yourself: How can you give what you want the most to yourself? The kicker is that the solution is close at hand: we all are able to give ourselves what we lack. It just seems easier to wait for someone to give it TO us instead. The nutty thing is this: If you give precisely what you feel you lack to others, you’ll insure that you’ll receive it back.

It’s true. You get what you give. If you hold back from meaningful relationships, how can you expect to receive the love you crave? If you are disrespectful, will you receive respect? If you rush, how can you be other than rushed, and rush others? If you are negative, you will find yourself surrounded by negative people. But, if you make an effort to be what it is you want to receive, you will find the world a more embracing place.

Dr. Jon Haidt’s book The Happiness Hypothesis has a wonderful formula for computing happiness: H = S + C + V, with H representing your general happiness, S your set point, C the conditions of your life and V your voluntary activities. In the last year I’ve had the opportunity to work with quite a few individuals who are either immigrants to America or the children of immigrants. For many of them, their S is set on lack, in recognition of their family’s struggle to come here, and their fear that their hold on their new life is quite fragile — it could vanish in an instant. It’s tough to shift from lack to abundance, BUT IT CAN BE DONE.

Take a hard look at yourself — are you a person who lives in lack? If so, it’s OK. Be conscious of it, know where it comes from, and work to shift your mindset. Try saying, “I have everything I need” everytime you feel like saying “I don’t have enough.”

Focus on what’s right in your life instead of what’s missing. Focus on the 5′ 11″ you stand, rather than the inch you lack. Love what you have, and ask yourself if your choices are designed to fill a sneaky sense of lack — a sense which robs you of the joy available in the here and now — or whether they’re made from a vantage point of abundance. Move your S into abundance and your H will follow.