Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

kids

I’m Not Buying My Kids A Single Gift This Christmas

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Stack Of Handcrafted Gift Boxes

It’s true. I am not buying my kids anything this Christmas.

Not one sweater.

Not one electronic thingamajig.

No Word-of-the-Day 2015 calendar.

No Guinness Book of World Records.

No iTunes gift cards stocking stuffers (I mean, it’s all streaming music up in here, anyway).

No, I’m not purchasing any of those things this year.

Instead, my kids – almost 22 years old and nearly 19 years old) – and I are going to have an experience.

Or, more likely, a whole set of experiences.

Because instead of exchanging gifts, we’re going on a trip this Christmas.

To some place they’ve never been, and I’ve only visited briefly for work. A place with great history and a wonderful climate and world-class food.

A place that’s easy to get to and relatively affordable. Because we’re not Kardashians, you know.

It’s a place where we can all kick back from school, work and deadlines to just…be together.

And we’re being thoughtful about it. The plan is that each of us will plan one outing during the trip – and pick up the check – as a gift for the others.

Because when it’s all said and done, will any of us remember some electronic thingamajig or will we remember the three of us stumbling upon an amazing street corner concert and dancing like fools?

I have to tell you, for the first time in my adult life my holiday stress level is so low it’s hardly measurable.

Sure, there are some things I’ve lovingly sent to folks – a shopping process which feels very happy because it’s a delight, rather than a chore.

And, OK, you might think my family would feel short-changed because there’s very little under our Christmas tree, or that our Christmas spirit would be nil because why bother decorating if you’re not going to be home?

But quite the opposite has happened.

The house is more decorated than ever – because I’ve had the time to do it.

Christmas songs are on a continual loop on Spotify. Harmonies are happening.

The See’s candy box is in its usual place of reverence on the kitchen counter.

“Love, Actually” has been viewed.

And Christmas cards are done, stamped and sent.

(That last one right there is a Christmas miracle, I tell you. A true Christmas miracle.)

So, yeah, I’m not purchasing anything at the mall or online or from a passing peddler for my kids this year.

Instead, I’m giving them memories.

Which, if you want to know the truth, is my favorite self-gift, too.

 

 

 

Letter To My Children

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Dear Munroe and Grace, I saw that President-elect Obama has written a letter to his daughters, expressing his hopes for their lives, and for the lives of all American children.

So, I thought I’d take a minute to write you and tell you what I hope for your lives, too.

First, I wish you a long and healthy life. Fortunately, you’ve got great genes going for you — but there are things you need to do to help yourself along. Pay attention to your nutrition, because what you put into your body fuels what you’re able to do in your life. Consciously taking in things that are good for you is a huge step toward taking loving care of yourself. When you take in good food, you set the tone for other good things in your life. And always move your body. Feel your muscles move under your skin. Dance, walk, hike, run, swim. It feels good, sure, but it also intimately reminds you of your own inherent strength and power.

Which brings me to my second wish for you — I wish you happy and healthy partnerships and friendships. I once read this piece of advice: “If you wouldn’t say it to your daughter, don’t say it to your son.” So, let me tell both of you the same thing: becoming intimately involved with anyone — allowing them access to your mind and your body — is the greatest gift you can give. Make sure the people you choose deserve your gift. And pay attention, too, to the friends you bring closest to you — find people whose honor and integrity match yours. Finally, remember that neediness often masquerades as love, but it’s not love — it’s just a false mask of love. Serving someone else’s chronic neediness is not what’s best for your life. Plus, it’s downright exhausting.

What’s best for you is love. As you know, I like Henri Nouwen’s definition of love. “Making a safe place for another person to be fully themselves.” And my third wish for you is that you have a life full of love. To get that, though, you first have to make a safe place for you to be yourself. That means not beating yourself up every minute of every day. It means loving yourself when you make a mistake, or say something incredibly stupid, or act really thoughtlessly. It means making space for an apology, and making up for your shortcomings.

When you love yourself first, you are able to fully love others.

And let me clarify — I’m not suggesting overweening, narcissistic self love. Narcissists see people as objects, not individuals, and lack the ability to empathize with others. That’s the opposite of my wish for you! To love yourself, it’s vital to see people clearly for who they are, with all their human frailties and strengths, and to appreciate their human struggles — and share their burdens and joys where you can.

You’ve already faced challenges in your young lives and I hope you look back on those experiences with a sense of pride and accomplishment in your own resilience. You will face hard times in your life — it’s a fact of life. But you can make the hard times easier by looking back at past challenges and realizing you made it through before… and you will again. Every single time.

When you’re forty years old, I hope you’re a good partner, and a good parent. I hope you’re a good friend, and a good neighbor. I hope you have a job you like and that helps you pay your bills, and that you put some money away for a rainy day. I hope you vote in every election, and that you work to make your community a better place. When you’re forty, I hope you make time to read books that excite you and to have conversations that inspire you.

But most of all, I hope you’re happy. And my best advice on how to be happy is this: Live fully in the knowledge that, in each moment, you are going to make the best possible decisions you can possibly make — so you can live with few regrets.

Your lives are infinitely precious to me, but your futures are yours to craft. Create them with care, and with love.

Just as you were created. Just as you were raised. Just as you are loved. Now, and always.

— Love, Mom

Managing At Home

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There was a lovely Associated Press story this week about using business skills to make home life more efficient. The story was particularly lovely because I was quoted in it!

So let’s expand on the idea in the article — how can you use what works at your workplace to make your home life better?

For Single People: Planning is extremely important for a single person. Consider making your own Personal Strategic Plan, just as your business might. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? What would success look like? Enlist a friend, family member or coach to help you through the process. And, while you’re in planning mode, make sure you have your legal documents — such as a will and a power of attorney — in place. If the idea makes you feel icky, consider it your “succession plan.” One more plan? Every business has an inventory. So, inventory your household possessions, and send a copy to whomever you designate as your executor in your will. And, if you ever have to file an insurance claim for your stuff, you’ll have everything documented.

For Couples: Plan a weekend “leadership retreat” to have a meaningful goal-setting conversation (and if you sneak in some golf or spa time, that’ll make it just like your company retreat). Use a format like the Personal Strategic Plan I mentioned above, but take into account what both of you want. The key to this kind of work is to put everything out on the table — nothing is undiscussable, and all the ground rules around effective communication are enforced. That means you listen with openness, respect and kindness, rather than with barbed jabs, condescension and temper tantrums. Remember that mandatory training class you attended on “Difficult Conversations”? Well, use those skills here. Continue the discussion at home with monthly planning meetings — you can boost the fun factor by making it a “date” at your favorite restaurant. Now, that’s what I call “team building”.

For Families With Little Kids: Think of little kids as interns or your new employees. As their manager and mentor, it’s important to play to their strengths, so they can feel successful. When you give them tasks, make sure you’re setting them up to do well. That means they stir the batter rather than take something out of the oven. That means they tidy rather than thoroughly clean. Little kids really have no sense of time, or of the value of money. So, rather than saying, “We’re leaving in ten minutes” which has very little relevance to a three year old, say, “We’re leaving after Mommy gets the diaper bag organized and your sister uses the potty.” You can teach them about money if you let them select a birthday present for a pal and give them a dollar limit to stay under. Sure, it’s easier to do it yourself — but what does your kid learn from that? Let’s call this “delegating” and “independent decision making”.

For Families With Older Kids: Treat your teens or young adults as your senior staff. Provide them with the information they need to make good decisions on the family’s behalf — give them access to a family calendar, either using online tools, or, if they live at home, a large whiteboard. Pull back the veil and give them an understanding of the family income, expenses and financial goals. Do a performance review with your kids. Ask them what’s working in their lives, and what’s not working. Ever heard of Covey’s Seven Habits? One of my favorites is, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” So listen to what your kids have to say. Too many times we parents reverse the order like an autocratic boss and risk undermining our kids’ ability to be their own best advocate. Find a way to ask this kind of question: “How do you plan to handle your homework this year?” rather than telling them how it’s going to be. With each of these steps, you’ll be teaching them a ton, and giving them the confidence of your trust.

See, all those mandatory training meetings you’ve attended really pay off! Maybe not the way your boss or HR expected, but there you are.

Making your home life work well requires every tool on your belt. The good news is that you’ve already got plenty of tools and you know exactly what they can do. Now, go home and get to work.