Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

holiday stress

4-Step Holiday Survival Guide

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I wonder if you’re heading into the coming “magical” Christmas week with slightly more than a teensy bit of anxiety?  So much to do, so little time.  A lot of moving parts, and moving people.  Gifts to get, food to prepare, people to be polite to (it’s that last part that’s the real challenge, huh?).

As Ricky Ricardo might say, “Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi”.

If you’re beginning to feel like all you have to do is endure the next week, take a deep breath.  This 4-Step Holiday Survival Guide will turn things around for you.

Oh, it’s possible.  Yes, I know your track record.  I heard about the year with drunk Uncle Ralph, well… ralphing.  I recall the Christmas of Misplaced Nuts and Bolts.  And, of course, the never to be forgotten Year of the Stomach Flu.

Four things.  That’s all you have to remember to not only get through this week, but to really enjoy it.

1. Have no expectations. This doesn’t have to be a Christmas to remember (great song, but sorry, Amy Grant).  The more you push to make it “magical” the less likely it is going to be magical.  You might have an expectation that the True Christmas Experience means handsome mother and father in matching Christmas sweaters sipping a hot toddy before the fire while their well-behaved children play quietly and reverently with their well-appreciated new toys.  Honey, unless you live in Stepford, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Everyone has wild cards in their families. A puppy. Or toddlers. Or teens. Or Uncle Ralph. I’m just sayin’.

If you’re single, or newly divorced, or newly partnered, or newly widowed, holding this unattainable expectation of the fabled True Christmas Experience in your heart and mind will only bring you suffering.  Drop it. Love what you’ve got. Oh, of course, recognize the learning in the yearning and work toward getting some of that – connection, belonging, love, perhaps – into your life another way.  Maybe by volunteering at the food bank or mentoring a struggling reader.  Remember: You can create what you want.

2. Be present. I mean:  when you’re with people, look them in the eye.  Participate in conversations.  Help with the dishes. When you’re checking your office email, or mentally checking off your to-do list, you’re not really “here”. You’re “there”.  When you find yourself with alone time during the holidays, be equally present. With yourself.  Feel how you feel.  Pay attention to the book you’re reading.  Really taste your food.  If you’re present to yourself, you’ll be a fuller person, and, voila!, much happier.

3. Find the fun. Let’s just say it out loud – the holidays are hilarious. You are making the stuff of family legends, folks. To tell you the truth, memories of the unintended humor inherent in Christmas gatherings can keep me going through the dark, cold days of February, like when Andrew ate potpourri, thinking it was a snack (priceless).  Or, like the time my friend Karen and her family woke to the sound of “Crash (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle)” to find the Christmas tree had toppled, the ornaments had all broken and sappy tree water had run all over the gifts (OK, they laugh about it now). Oh, and remember that spontaneity can be an instant fun creator.  Have a snowball fight.  Or a margarita party.  Dance.  Do the Wii with great-grandma (I bet the old girl could nail Beatles Rock Band).

4. Give generously, not reciprocally. Yes, this is the lesson Scrooge finally learned, and we all know it because we saw the Bill Murray movie. But times are still tough for a lot of people, and what matters most is that you be the kind of person you want to be this Christmas. Want to send something to your nieces and nephews? Go ahead, do it – even if their family can’t reciprocate.  And you don’t have to give Things – you can give time.  Trust me on this one, even teenagers appreciate it when someone makes time to listen to them.  Give because you want to be a giving person.

Oh, and don’t forget to give something to yourself this year.  I mean it – find a little something that will buoy your spirits, and give you joy.  Wrap it up and put it under the tree.  Or give it to yourself in a quiet moment of reflection.  It can be as low-cost as the gift of a nap.  Or as expensive as a new car.  Choose what feels right. Because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.

When you hold Christmas in a clenched fist of direction and control, or focus on the keeping and settling of scores, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation you’re setting up. And you’ll have a lousy week.  So, lighten up.  Relax.  Enjoy.  And sing along as great-grandma belts out “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”

She’s gonna nail it.

 

 

The Expectations Of Others

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Shannon does a great job at work. Everybody says so. Her performance reviews are always “Exceeds Expectations” and she’s been steadily promoted to a position of major responsibility.

So, why isn’t she happy? She’ll tell you she’s burned out. She has no personal life. She has no time. She can’t think. She forgets the birthdays of friends. She’s productive at work, but still very, very stuck in a life that doesn’t fit quite right.

What would she like? “I guess I would say, ‘Peace’ — time to hang with my friends. Time to maybe even have a boyfriend. Time to do quilting (which I love). Time to play with my nieces and nephews. Time to work out and get healthier. Time to do a really good job, too.”

What’s keeping her from that vision of a life? I ask her about her job and her eyes get glassy. “I work 10-12 hour days, probably six days a week,” she says. “But there’s always so much to do.”

Any way she could delegate, or get more staff to help?

She pauses. “Well, I could try that, but I’m afraid I won’t find anyone as committed as I am,” she says. “I have pretty high expectations for others.”

Hmmmn. I sense an avenue for exploration. I ask, “Shannon, what’s ‘success’ mean to you?”

After a bit of hemming, hawing, inner cheek chewing and stolen glances toward the ceiling, Shannon says, “Success is not disappointing others, I guess. When I’m successful, I’m meeting the expectations of others.”

“So,” I start. “Other people get to decide how successful Shannon will be, and you have do what they say? You have no role in that? Because that’s kinda what I hear you saying.”

Tears well in Shannon’s eyes. “I never thought about it that way,” she says quietly.

“You can have a life of your own design, Shannon. It is possible. But you have to figure out what’s most important to you and live by that, rather than accepting that assignment from others.”

We take a look at Shannon’s underlying fears and beliefs and began the process of eliminating and revising those that don’t fit with the life Shannon would like to live.

It comes down to that idea Shannon has — that success means meeting the expectations of others. Is there another way to cast that sentence in a way that allows Shannon to get the life she wants to live? After some poking and prodding, we come up with:

“I am successful when I meet my own expectations.”

Which is true. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from (shout out here) my friend Grey Terry. In a very difficult period of my life, Grey looked me in my perpetually red-rimmed eyes and said, “Michele, just do things today you can be proud of a year from now.”

It was in my power, then, to have the expectation that I would face a great challenge as a person of integrity, responsible and respectable, a person of honor. And have my actions flow from these values. As a result, there’s very little I regret having done from that time of my life. Which is quite nice.

Shannon came to see that she, too, has the power to make and set her own expectations for how she will be in the world — that she will make time for the things that nourish her whole life, such as relationships, interests, exercise and a healthy diet.

Attempting to live by the expectations of others merely held her back. Now, she feels free.

And you? How do you feel?

The $23 Billion Monkey

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I was watching a hockey game the other day when I overhead a little girl ask her mother, “What happens if nobody wins?” And with a shrug, the mother answered, “Somebody always wins, honey.” Which got me thinking.

A la Jerry Seinfeld, what’s the deal with winning? There’s always got to be a winner, whether in sports, politics — even merging into traffic. Why does winning hold so much power for human beings? Especially humans of the dude variety. Ever notice that interest in professional sports rose as the opportunities for men to go to war decreased? I’m just sayin’…

Winning is held in such esteem that a tie, where there is no clear victor, leads to “sudden death.” As in, the battlefield death of the vanquished. Would it be different if we called the tie-breaking overtime outcome “sudden victory”? Feels much less satisfying, no?

Earlier in the week I spoke with a man who is considering starting his own business in an industry he knows extremely well. We discussed the competitive landscape and he noted that the industry leader is known for cut-throat tactics and a lack of integrity. “I don’t want my company to be like that,” he said. “But, can I be successful if I’m not number one?”

Author and tech marketing guru Geoffrey Moore says you can, if you’re smart. He says there are three different kinds of players in a competitive market: Gorillas, Chimps and Monkeys.

Gorillas are the segment leaders, whose products become the industry standard. Think Coca-Cola. Chimps are the challengers — think Pepsi. And Monkeys are the guys who follow along in the market, aping the Gorillas and Chimps, often positioning themselves as unique or offering excellent customer service to get business. Think Cadbury-Schweppes.

In business as in sports, we think we have to be a Gorilla to be successful. But monkeys can make great businesses. Sure, Coke’s market cap is nearly $137 billion, but Schweppes? There are plenty of bubbles in ginger ale, friends — $23 BILLION worth of bubbles.

And you can’t tell me that ain’t a successful business.

“Winning’s not everything, it’s the only thing,” said legendary coach Vince Lombardi. Uh huh. Guess it depends on how you define winning. Because being Number Three, the $23 billion dollar Monkey, can be extremely satisfying. Considering the energy needed to maintain Gorilla status, being a Monkey — doing what you love and doing it well, sounds pretty appealing.

Pressuring yourself to always be the winner can lead to incredible stress. And, as the New England Patriots proved, nobody wins all the time. Some of the best learning I ever had, in fact, was working on a losing Presidential campaign. Sure, winning would have been great — but I learned how to handle defeat somewhat gracefully. I learned about what works, and what doesn’t, in campaigns. I learned about loyalty, and friendship. I learned just how far I can be pushed, physically, emotionally and mentally. I learned about what’s really important.

Which is worth the market capitalization of Coca-Cola to me.

The next time you find yourself driving yourself (or your kids, or your work group, or your spouse) to be the Gorilla, ask yourself this: Is winning worth being completely stressed out? What’s to be learned from doing my absolute best, even if I’m not the Gorilla? Can I be content with being a very successful, centered, happy Monkey?

I say: pass the bananas, baby, ‘cuz the world needs more happy monkeys.

Whelmed

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The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed — she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn’t doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn’t really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you’re multi-tasking — trying to do two or three things simultaneously — you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there’s just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task — and this is where errors occur… you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point — you’re not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won’t have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn’t it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer — word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it’s the Paper Anniversary doesn’t mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That’s all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word ‘should’. In my life, I simply replace ‘should’ with ‘choose’ and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, “Charlie shouldn’t have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift”, you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos — and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You’re welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, “I feel whelmed.” We’re always over or under.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to answer the question, “How you doing today?” with “I’m whelmed, thank you very much! And you?”

Whelmed — the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others — reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.