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getting what you want

Are You Listening?

January 29, 2017 By Michele Woodward Leave a Comment

It’s impossible to win anyone over by shouting at them.

You never change someone’s mind by attacking them.

Sure, you might get momentary cooperation. You might get temporary control. But over the long haul, you only change minds by listening with respect to the other person’s fears, hopes and priorities, and then clearly and kindly sharing your own point of view. And real understanding is generally not a one-and-done deal – it’s an on-going conversation that may need some space.

Yes, this approach takes time. But, know what? It works.

I’ve been called into so many dysfunctional offices where there’s some autocrat – could be at the C-level, could be at the office manager level, might even be at the receptionist level – whose bullying attitude and control issues threaten the entire success of the organization.

[I don’t particularly like these assignments but I take them because the relief people ultimately feel is profound.]

What I’ve learned is that most human beings – yes, bullies, too – really want to know, down deep, that their life has mattered. That all of their sacrifices and difficult choices have meant something. [And I did a webinar for the Harvard Business Review on bullies in the workplace in case you missed it.]

Given the technological advances of the last fifty years, it’s harder and harder for the average Joe to feel like it all matters. Any of us can be fired at any time for any reason – or no good reason at all. Employees have moved from being an organization’s best asset to becoming their largest liability, so cuts happen frequently and seemingly willy-nilly. I once worked with some executives downsized from an organization who, in its big company wisdom, decided to save money and boost profits by getting rid of every employee who’d been at the firm for more than fourteen years. In one fell swoop, the entire organizational memory was wiped clean.

Made zero sense to me, and all those let-go people had an existential crisis, wondering if all of those late nights, bad hotels, Sunday night planes and skipped birthday parties were worth it.

What’s missing today amongst the powers that be is an understanding that belonging is such a critical human need. When I start working with new clients, I ask them to do an exercise to list their top values. Nine times out of ten, people choose things like “being connected”, “belonging”, “being with”.

This is the reason folks stay late, work on weekends and say yes to travel that takes them away from their families – not because they’re getting paid, by and large, but because they care.

Belonging is often the way people feel like what they do matters. 

Yesterday I had coffee with my old friend Tom, and we got on the subject of being hungry. Tom said, “You know, when you’re really hungry, you’ll eat anything. You don’t care what it is, you don’t care where it came from, you don’t care who’s serving it – you’ll eat it because you’re famished.” Wise man, my friend Tom is.

And it’s true. If you’re starved for belonging, you’ll quickly join any group that will have you as a member.

Their goals will become your goals. Their needs will become yours. Their aims and intentions will become yours.

Because they feed you. 

That’s why shouting at folks in an attempt to persuade them doesn’t work. Because you’re shouting about policy or politics or faith or beliefs or performance and the other person is – in their heart of hearts – thinking about belonging. And what they might have to do so they won’t figuratively starve.

So if you find yourself wanting to shout down someone else, here’s what you do instead, whether you’re at an office, in a home, on the street, protesting, marching, gathering, singing, shopping or navigating rush hour: Listen. Invite someone to listen to you. Look them in the eye. Tell them why you believe what you do. Model open-mindedness. Find common ground. Include them.

Because shouting may get you attention for a minute but it rarely gets you the change you seek.

Kindness and openness almost always, however, does the trick.

 

Filed Under: Authenticity, Blog, Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: arguing, Authenticity, conflict, disagreeing, friendship, getting what you want, happiness, kindness

The Moral Of The Story

March 8, 2015 By Michele Woodward 1 Comment

 

 

 

Inside a cardboard box concept for moving house, creativity or t

Let me tell you a story.

It’s a story about bravely facing fear – a big, lifetime kind of fear – and emerging stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Let me tell you a story about quitting a job.

Once upon a time, there was a woman who we’ll call Diane. For a long time, Diane had a dream – she wanted to have her own consulting and coaching business. She studied and learned and grew, but the reality of being a single mom and getting her kids launched weighed heavily on her mind. Money and security worries haunted her every moment.

So, like a lot of people, Diane put aside her dream in service to her family and their needs.

She commited to a corporate job with a big, international powerhouse.

Now, Diane was good at her corporate work and became a Vice President who consistently found herself at the ear of the CEO talking about strategy, vision and big picture issues. In response to one of the Big Vision Items, she developed a ground-breaking program that became widely implemented throughout the organization.

Diane routinely traveled the world from Asia to Europe. She was on so many conference calls that she almost forgot what it was like to meet with people face-to-face. Don’t even think about the quantity of email she managed.

Her pace was frenetic and challenging, but she was contributing, and excelling, and that felt very good.

And her children were becoming purposeful young adults and moving into their own lives, and that also felt very good.

She had a little nest egg, and that felt very good, too.

But then, suddenly, some things began to feel less good.

The CEO left and was replaced by someone who didn’t see Diane in the same light. She found herself shuffled around, and excluded, and reporting to someone she wasn’t so sure about.

It was confusing and unsettling.

Then one day her boss said that Diane would be let go at the end of the next quarter.

So Diane did what many of us in that situation would do – she worked like the devil to make sure no one would ever say that she left the place worse off than she found it.

A little voice began in her head – the little voice so many single moms hear, “What am I going to do about money? How can I ever replace my corporate salary in my own business?” – and Diane began to panic a little.

At the end of that quarter, Diane fully expected to be let go. She was prepared for it. Instead, her supervisor said, “Will you stay through the next quarter just so we can get everything really buttoned up?” And Diane, feeling the worry of pending financial doom, said “Sure!” and again worked like the devil to produce.

One quarter led to another with yet another extension, a flurry of production from Diane, more money into her savings, and a stressful future.

And then one day Diane took a deep breath. She stepped back. She got very still and reflected. She called a friend who asked:

What did she really want?

What was holding her back?

Was it true she didn’t have enough money to start her own business?

Was she going to wait any longer to do what she really wanted to do? Or was she going to allow the company to continue to string her along?

How long was she going to continue to jump to meet the demands of others?

How long was she willing to postpone her dream?

She sat down, right there, and composed her resignation letter. Because she’s who she is, she sent it to an employment lawyer friend who tweaked it and sent it back.

Diane submitted it.

She waited.

Until the HR head called to say, “We’re not accepting your resignation.”

What?

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” the HR woman said. “The conversations around this were so interesting.”

Diane felt herself getting mad.

Until the HR head said, “You see, you are so well-regarded and so appreciated around her that we’re not going to accept your resignation – we’re going to fire you and give you a severance package of six months of full pay plus your full bonus plus pay you for all of your unused vacation days.”

(That’s a big bonus and 270 unused vacation days, by the way.)

Diane laughed out loud. 

Her future now looked very different. Now, she could take the leap into self-employment without fear.

Now, she could finally live her dream.

It had only taken saying, “No. Enough. No more. Here is where I stop” to get exactly what she needed. 

And that, friends, is the moral of the story.

 

Filed Under: Blog, Career Coaching, Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Uncategorized, WiseWork Tagged With: career strategy, corporate, getting what you want, happiness, how to quit, setting intentions

Success Breeds Success

March 13, 2011 By Michele Woodward Leave a Comment

One of the most intriguing things I’ve learned as an executive coach is this: The more successful you are, the more successful you get.

Because when you’re successful, people see your success and your confidence, they’re drawn to it, and opportunities arise. The more opportunities you have, the greater your chance of success. And so the cycle repeats.

I like using the word Slipstream to describe this flow of success. Some might call it The Zone. Others Alignment or The Vortex. Or you literary types might call it The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

Whatever it’s called, you sure know it when you’re there. It’s getting there that’s the difficulty, isn’t it?

Don’t worry – I can help with that.  Want to know the secrets of getting into the Slipstream? Lean in close, now – there are just two things you need to know:

Believe you deserve to be successful.

and

Dare to take a stand.

Let’s take those two keys one at a time.

It’s amazing to me the number of people who are not successful simply because they believe they can’t be.  They say things like, “People like me never…” and “My parents couldn’t…” and “I didn’t go to the right school so…”  They focus so much on what’s lacking that they can’t see what they’ve got.

In London’s subway system, there’s a simple message painted on the floor:  Mind The Gap.  It’s meant as a warning that there’s a space between the platform and the train which could be hazardous.  So, too, believing in yourself requires minding the gap – the gap between here and now.  The gap between can and can’t.  The gap in your idea of who you think you are and who you can be.

It’s sad to watch people get a taste of success and immediately implode because “success” is not how they see themselves.  They have a vision of themselves as: Struggling. Striving. Oppressed.  Success completely throws them off the rails, and they immediately sabotage themselves just so they can go back to what’s familiar and comfortable, which is:  Struggling. Striving. Oppressed.

However, the most successful people I know believe in their own capacity to do well.  Regardless of where they went to school, or who their parents were, or whether they’ve had cancer, or how much credit card debt they once had.  They allow themselves to be successful because they know they have a right to create what they want for themselves.

And they do.

Now, the second key:  Dare to take a stand.  The other morning I heard an interview with designer Tom Ford who said that most brilliant design is the result of a bold vision, a unique statement.  All successful design stands for something.

And he’s right. Whether you’re making art, looking for a job, starting a business or growing a career – remember this: You’ve got to take a stand. You have to be known for something.

Allow yourself to be memorable.

Why? Taking a stand is kinda risky, right? OK, you know Donald Trump? Like him or loathe him, every time Trump says, “You’re fired!”, he’s actually taking a stand. A stand which reflects his beliefs, his experience, and his vision for the future. And, subsequently, he’s known for being tough, straightforward and even more successful.

So how can you start believing in yourself? Take a stand? Create your own success? Get into the Slipstream?

Let me know what you’re thinking about this. Because I believe in your success.

That, my friend, is the stand I’m taking.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Books, Career Coaching, Getting Unstuck Tagged With: being stuck, Connector Strategy, deciding, executive coach, getting what you want, success

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