Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

feeling overwhelmed

The Burnout Remedy

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Tropical IslandOne day someone just might ask you, “So…what do you really want?” And in that moment, deep within your particular answer, there’s so much to learn.

Because if you quickly blurt out an answer, it could be your heart’s desire making itself clear. Which is a good thing.

But, you might pause and make a very calculated response – the response you know the asker is dying to hear – and you’ll learn something about how far you are willing to go to please others. Rather than yourself.

And if, when asked what you really want, you completely draw a blank – a stone cold, deer in the headlights head scratcher – well, then, you may have uncovered an incontrovertible truth.

It’s very likely you are burned out. 

Roasted, toasted, fried crispy burned out.

Sapped of every ounce of your imagination by the grind of the relentless, day-to-day busyness that is your life.

Gah, I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Aren’t you?

So what do you do when you are a walking tortilla chip, unable to even identify one thing you really want?

First, take a break. I’m not saying it has to be a month in Fiji, but that would be cool if you could pull it off.

But I bet you can find a single day.

One whole day for yourself. And just in case you aren’t clear, “for yourself” translates into: no chores, no work, no obligations. 

(Now some of you are starting to hyperventilate because that seems so lazy. So indulgent. So “not me”.)

(Others are anxious because there’s so much to be done. There’s always so much to do. Got to keep doing!)

(Still, one or two of you are frantic because you fear that if you step away for even one day, someone might jump in and take your place and then where will you be? Living in a van down by the river, that’s where, mumbling about Gantt charts and pivot tables.)

(And, if you don’t mind me saying so, it’s exactly this type of do-do-do, fear-based drama that has drained you, my darling.)

On this For Yourself Day, you are to find something that restores your energy. Something to block out the noise and haste and allow you to reconnect with the Essential You.

Because your Essential You is really pretty fantastic. You may have forgotten just how fantastic, but with a little time and attention, you can find You again.

For yours truly, I find myself when taking a walk in nature, reading a great book, seeing art, doing a little writing, and preparing a tasty meal.

(As you can see, I have faced burn out once, twice or a zillion times in my life.)

At the end of a day such as this, a day when you’ve attended to your own self and your own energy, it’s entirely possible that you will have found an answer to the question, “So…what do you really want?”

And whatever it is, it will be your answer.

Yours.

And it will be exactly the right one. Which will feel both totally exciting and utterly relieving.

So, let me ask you… when are you taking that day for yourself?

 

[Editor’s Note: My office will be closed on Wednesday.]

 

 

 

When Overwhelmed

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Think about the advice most of us give others (and ourselves) when overwhelmed:

“Bear down.”

“Knuckle down.”

Even, “double down.”

Truth is, down is the opposite direction we’d really like to go when things are difficult. What we want is to rise above, to overcome, to ease up. To fly free of the tremendous weight of too much to do and too little time to do it in.

When we’re stressed and overwhelmed, we do things like work through lunch, and come in early, and leave late, and get by on as little sleep as possible. (Read this new study on sleep and the link with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease, which is fascinating.)

And none of our struggle and effort necessarily makes the end product that much more fantabulous. What it does is makes us more anxious, and exhausted.

After years of exploring this subject, I’ve learned that there’s just one way to overcome overwhelm. Ready for it?

Do the opposite of what you think you should do.

Stuck for a creative idea? Take it from someone who’s tried – sitting at your desk twirling a pencil in your fingers like it’s a flaming baton and pretending you’re a Texas twirler wearing white go-go boots ain’t gonna make any lightbulbs appear.

What does work is a simple sequence of steps:

Set your intention – “I will come up with a great solution to the client problem”

Take a break and do some completely unrelated activity – get in a brisk walk, eat lunch, take a nap, call your BFF and talk about your vacation plans.

During this break, your brain will continue to work in the background on the problem you gave it and nine times out of ten you’ll have a moment of inspiration which leads to the last step:

“Eureka!”

Houston, we have a solution.

I also believe strongly in the power of mono-tasking. Mono-tasking is when you tackle one thing at a time and do it completely before moving on to the next thing. When I was just starting in my career, I was taught to “touch it once” – which, granted, was in the days when we actually touched paper at the office – and that’s the general idea of mono-tasking, too. When I focus 100% of my time and attention on the task at hand, I can complete it thoroughly and quickly. If you think about it in terms of units of energy, I can put 10 units on the task at one time instead of 40 units picking the project up and putting it back down again over the course of several days.

Which means that you will finally have enough time to do what you need to do. Now, the more you use this sequence and mono-task, the better you’ll get at it. You may find that solutions come easier and the time that it takes to get from A to B gets a lot faster. This gives you time to do the other things you need to do to live your life fully.

Which means no more overwhelm.

Now, I am going to say this: Some bean-counters have a real problem with people sitting at their desks less than a ten hour day. Breaks, unless scheduled, are unsettling to these dear souls. They also struggle with not seeing you sweat beads of blood from your brow as you hunker down (yes, that word again) to the pile of tasks at hand.

These people think that the end product of ten hours of work is always better than that of five hours of work, because there are more hours to count.

And, of course, some folks see being overwhelmed as the Red Badge of Courage, and the totem signifying that you have really made it. Anyone who’s anyone has stress! We’re all busy!

It’s the siren song of our age, and it’s easy to fall into step with those who believe it. But you know it’s not true, right? Anyone who’s had a real eureka moment which has led to efficient accomplishment knows what really works.

And it’s not stressful overwhelm.

It can be a lonely road to travel, this being unstressed. This taking strategic breaks. This flow through your tasks. These eureka moments. This joy in your work. This success.

But, let me tell you, it is so worth it when you can honestly say, “No, I’m not stressed – I feel great about my job.” Totally blows people’s minds.

One Tough Week

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There have been tough weeks in the past. And it’s likely that there will be tough weeks in the future. But, boy, this week?

This was one tough week.

Boston.

West, Texas.

Capitol Hill.

China.

It’s been overwhelming. And, you know what? I’m not going to try to make you feel better by writing a bunch of “look on the bright side” platitudes.

Nope.

Instead, I’m going to say: “It really was a tough week – one of the toughest. Why not treat yourself as you would treat anyone you love who’s had a tough week?”

Oh, you might want to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, say “Naa, naa, naa, I can’t hear you” and pretend it didn’t happen (I’ve tried it, trust me).

But you can’t change reality. And neither can I.

All we can do is acknowledge the shock, pain, and loss, and be good to ourselves.

For me, that looks like time with family, time in the garden, time alone with a book. Getting back to my center.

Because I know that restorative energy and peace come when you’re at center.

And, of course, let’s be kind to others, because you’re not alone in this bad week. Not at all. In fact, we’re all in this together.

Together, standing at the side of the road clapping  and cheering for those who would run toward rather than run away.

[OK, maybe that’s inspiration. Can’t help myself, I guess.]

May peace find you – find us all – in ways both large and small.

 

Why You’re Stressed

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It’s that feeling.

Very familiar now.

Too much to do.

Too little time.

You say yes,

When you ought to say no.

But if you say no

Who will do the thing?

In your secretmost heart, though

You ask,

“If I don’t say yes, then

Who will get the credit,

The thanks,

The approval?”

That question- the one right there?

That’s the very center of your persistent stress.

Constantly seeking external validation

To tell you

That you are good

Helpful

Smart

A good girl

A good boy.

Somebody.

Or some other something kinda like that.

When the antidote to stress

Is knowing

Internally

That you are good.

That you are kind.

That you are smart.

That you can say no.

And saying no does not make you bad.

You must finally know, inside,

That you matter.

Because if you don’t matter to yourself

All the stress reduction classes in the world

Won’t help a bit.

 

No soy una “Superwoman”

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Parece haber muchas mujeres que intentan convencerse a sí mismas y a los demás de que son perfectas. El pelo perfectamente peinado, teñido y rizado. El cuerpo atlético y en forma. La ropa a la última, sexy y con estilo. Los niños obedientes, con un correcto comportamiento y las mejores notas en todo. El marido atractivo, rico, atento.

Creen que necesitan ser Superwoman. Quieren de todo con tal de ser perfectas.

Pero yo sé lo que les pasa por dentro.

Mientras están luchando por ser perfectas, sienten algún pero. La vida es una serie de experiencias donde ellas no son bastante, y lo más posible es que no puedan hacer bastante. Miran a las mujeres a su alrededor y se sienten inferiores, y tratan de ocultar que están totalmente agobiadas tratando de estar al nivel. Aprietan los dientes y sonríen a través del estrés de las expectativas de una Superwoman.

Como soy orientadora personal, la gente suele creer que yo llevo esa vida perfecta. Ayer, estaba en una tienda donde venden mi libro “Pierde peso, encuentra el amor, reordena tu vida y ahorra dinero: Ensayos para vivir más feliz”, y el encargado me dijo, inclinando su nariz aquilina hacia mí:
– ¿Usted vive lo que escribe?

Yo le sonreí con dulzura y contesté:
– Absolutamente

Y lo hago. Pero deja que te diga unas cositas que harán que mañana sea un poco más fácil para todas las que quieren ser superwoman:

Yo no soy superwoman. Ni estoy cerca.

A veces, lo único que me preocupa de mi ropa es: ¿Llevo todo limpio?

Mi casa por lo general siempre necesita que se pase la aspiradora.

Se sabe que suelo sacar a los niños a comer fuera.

Me olvido muchas veces de devolver llamadas, y soy terrible para recordar cumpleaños.

Planifico mi calendario siempre de más.

Soy divorciada.

No, no soy superwoman. Y estoy realmente contenta de no serlo. Porque lo que soy es 100% Michele. Tengo cuatro prioridades, y si puedo lidiar con ellas todos los días, estoy haciendo un magnífico trabajo. ¿Queréis saber cuáles son? Estar en cuerpo y alma con mis hijos y con cualquiera con quien esté. Cuidar mi salud física, financiera, emocional y espiritual. Aprender. Orientar.

Y eso es todo. El pelo, las uñas, el maquillaje, los zapatos…. Si llego, bien.

O sea, soy una chica imperfecta, y me encanta 100% mi perfecta vida imperfecta.

Si estás luchando por hacer lo correcto, por ser perfecta, por tenerlo todo, deja que te haga una pregunta: ¿Puedes llegar al punto de dejar de intentar ser una mítica superwoman, y encontrar el punto donde seas una verdadera chica imperfecta, auténticamente tú, feliz con lo que tienes, sintiéndote bien en tu piel, atendiendo a tus propias prioridades? Vamos, inténtalo. Todo lo que puedes perder será estrés. Todo lo que puedes ganar es a ti misma. Y para mí estará perfectamente Ok si no lo haces a la perfección.

The Ins and Outs of Redefinition

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I have always held that the most challenging times of our lives come when we face redefining ourselves.

Like when we go from being a high schooler to being a college student.

From being a college student to being employed.

Or employed by someone else to employed by ourselves.

Or from being single to being married. Or being married to being divorced.  Or widowed.

From being a kid’s mom or dad, to being an adult’s mom or dad.

From being healthy to being sick. From being sick to being healthy again.

These are the moments that vex us, because we’re required to think about who we are and who we want to be.

And it always comes just at the moment where we’ve gotten so damn comfortable with who we were.

I know you know what I’m talking about.

Often, where people get stuck is in letting go of the old, comfortable definition and making room for the new way of thinking about themselves.

It’s kinda like a special sort of roller coaster – the kind where you only ride once.  Ever gotten off a roller coaster and said, “Well, that was fun,” never intending to ride it again?  That’s like life.

You can’t go back and ride high school again.

Or college.

Or your 20s. 30s. 40s. 50s. 100s.

You get one ride. And it has plenty of twists and turns. And before you know it, you’re not where you started.

You’re somewhere new.

Allow yourself to grow, and change, and redefine.  Welcome change in all its magnificent uncertainty.

If you let it, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

Yes, This Is For You

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In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today.  Because I know how much you struggle.  I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years.  Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say?  Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad?  Caused a scene?  Decided they didn’t like you?  Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world.  Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you.  And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something?  Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength.  A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there.  Start from right here.  Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart.  Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are?  Know how they say the darnedest things?  Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid. 

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”.  Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does.  It doesn’t matter how they react.  What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own.  So no blaming, and no name calling, OK?  Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary.  But start small.  Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced.  Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you.  And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good?  And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.

A Generous Spirit

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This week, I was going to write about Dan Pink’s new book about motivation, Drive.

Then, I also considered writing about Brigid Schulte’s article in The Washington Post, about a busy working mom’s search for leisure time.

I also thought about writing an arch, sassy essay on New Year’s Resolutions.

But I couldn’t write those posts. They seem so inconsequential.

Because I can’t get Haiti out of my mind.

The scope of the loss there is so hard to grasp. The only way I’ve been able to understand it is like this: It’s as if Land Shark Stadium in Miami, filled to the rafters for the Super Bowl, collapsed and suddenly every single person in the stadium – players, refs, fans, vendors, women selling programs, beer guys, security guards – died.

And as if every single car in the parking lot were filled with people who were hurt by falling debris from the stadium, had no gas, no food, no water, and no where to go.

And everyone in Miami suddenly had no power, no police, no firemen, no nothing.

Imagine if we began burying people in a mass grave in the middle of the football field.

That’s what Haiti is like.

And so much else feels insignificant.

Last Friday as I watched the news coverage out of Port-au-Prince,  I found myself feeling much the same way I did on September 11, 2001. I live four miles from the Pentagon, and I knew someone on that plane. I knew people who worked at the Pentagon, and a security guard who saved lives. Firefighters just down the street were among the first responders. I saw the smoke, I smelled the jet fuel, I saw the scorch marks. The loss felt so heavy.

One hundred and twenty five souls died that day at the Pentagon. Almost 3,000 people died in New York, Pennsylvania and DC as a result of the 9-11 attack. Our attention has been grabbed by other recent situations. Nearly 4,500 soldiers have died in Iraq since 2003.  Eight hundred and fifty in Afghanistan.  Six thousand five hundred people died from swine flu in 2009, worldwide.

All of these instances have received understandable media coverage.

But Haiti’s death toll is almost 1000 times that of the Pentagon. More than thirty times the losses of 9-11. Twenty times the soldiers lost in Iraq. Fifteen times that lost to swine flu.

It is so big.

So what can we do? We can, and have, given to charitable organizations who are on the ground in Haiti, delivering basic supplies, medical assistance and coordinating recovery efforts. In just a few days, $12 million has been generated in ten dollar increments for the American Red Cross by text messaging alone.

We are a generous people.

And catastrophes tend to bring us together, and bring out the best in us.

So I have an idea.

What if we could keep that generosity going? Certainly to Haiti as it rebuilds.

But also to Flint, Michigan, as it recovers.

And to Schenectady and Siler City. And to Des Moines and Danville.

And to Main Street and to your very own street.

Amid our personal concerns about our financial health and prospects for the future, what if we made a commitment to keep on being as generous in the future as we are right now?

What if, as a business owner, you hired someone and accepted a slightly smaller profit margin for yourself?

What if, as a homeowner, you hired someone to repair your roof rather than get up on a ladder?

What if, as a corporation, you added just one percent to your workforce?

What if, as a bank, you lent money to people who will use it to create opportunity for others through employment?

What if, as a society, we figuratively kept texting each other $10 each day?

Why, we’d change everything.