Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

difficult people

Connecting The Dots

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When I’m not working directly with clients, I spend a lot of time connecting dots.

Honestly, I’m reading all the time.Connect The Dots

Like this one: Mother May I? The author raises a fascinating question – are your work relationships adult-adult, or parent-child? I can see this one question immediately changing your approach.

I was asked if I had written anything about mentoring, and I found this: Mentoring Mojo, which was apt and timely since it’s nearly five years since the loss of my great mentor. I learned so very much from her.

Speaking of learning, there was this: What Writers Can Learn From ‘Goodnight Moon’. It’s beautifully written, and got me thinking about story arcs and the “surprising twist”.

Then this one: 5 Smart Steps to Combat Workplace Bullying. I wonder if you’ll be surprised to learn just who it was who came up with those five smart steps.

Speaking of bullying and difficult people, I’m going to be doing a webinar with the Harvard Business Review and Citrix on the topic on August 12th: Bullies, Jerks and Other Annoyances: Identify and Defuse the Difficult People in the Workplace. Use that link to register, and it’s absolutely, 100% no charge to you and yours. Join me, won’t you?

Yep, I’m always connecting the dots. And sometimes the patterns appear readily, and sometimes… it takes time for them to come together.

The Nancy Drew in me completely loves that.

 

The Iron Is Hot

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It’s not like many of us have extensive blacksmithing experience, but we all seem to understand the phrase, “Strike while the iron is hot.” Smiths know that to best shape a piece the iron must heated to the proper temperature and the blow of the hammer must land with force in a particular place.

With repeated heatings and repeated blows, the smith can create something beautiful, useful and strong.

But, of course, the blacksmith knows what he or she is doing. They understand the materials they are working with, and know how to calibrate the force of the hammer. They trust the solidity of their anvil, and use its different parts to achieve different effects in the end product. They also know their own strength, and bring it to bear in every step of the process.

Now, from where I’m sitting, I see something. I see that right about now the iron is getting pretty hot for you.

You’ve got to make that decision. Angle for the promotion. Find that new job. Start that new business. Heal that challenging relationship. Take better care of yourself. Do that thing you’ve been thinking about for all this time.

And you’re anxious.

You ask: Do I have the strength?

Can I manage the hammer?

Do I trust the anvil to support this work?

Will I strike right? When the iron is exactly hot enough?

Do I know what I’m doing?

And, from my vantage point, I say the answer is… yes.

You are strong enough, and you know what you’re doing.

Your strength? Comes from your entire body of work, and every one of your accomplishments, big and small.

Your hammer? It’s the unique ability and perspective you bring to your work.

Your anvil? Is the support of your family and your network of friends and colleagues.

And the hot metal is this very moment – right now, right here – and is just waiting to be shaped.

Trust in yourself.

Have confidence.

Take that hammer into your hand and strike the first blow.

With purpose. And intention. With clear-eyed energy.

Bang! Craft a stronger alliance with your boss, or with that key colleague.

Clang! Ask for what you want, and need.

Crack! Offer a great idea, and shepherd it into life.

Wham! Do the thing that seems hard, but not really impossible.

Now is the time. The iron is very hot. Will you take up the hammer and begin to fashion this part of your life’s work?

 

 

 

 

Acceptance and Approval

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What holds people back the most?

What keeps them from happy? From centered? From comfortable in their own skin?

I think it’s the powerful need so many of us have for acceptance and approval – from external sources.

I started thinking about this last week when a client was telling me that he needed more feedback from his boss: was he doing OK? Was he doing it right? Was he what the boss wanted? Was he? Was he?

It really struck me that this sort of rumination is a big energy suck – energy that could be used toward creation and productivity. And contentedness. “Why not,” I offered, “just ask?”

Dull thud. Silence. More silence.

I sensed a big swallow. Then the client said, “I can’t do that. I mean, it’s my boss. I shouldn’t have to ask.”

I totally get it.

Psychologist Erich Fromm, in his classic book The Art of Loving, wrote about the different kinds of love including “mother love” and “father love”.

Mother love says to a child: “There is no misdeed, no crime which could deprive you of my love, of my wish for your life and happiness.” This is Acceptance.

Father love says to a child: “You did wrong, you cannot avoid accepting certain consequences of your wrongdoing, and most of all you must change your ways if I am to like you.” This is Approval.

So when my client was desperate for feedback from his boss, you might say he was looking for a father to love him. Even if his boss is a woman.

Whoa. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

I see countless people around the world who struggle with this. Time after time, they choose to fill their internal gaps with external glue. They make choices because they want to feel accepted (mother love) or because they need approval (father love) – and sometimes those choices have powerful consequences. Like marrying someone because everyone likes him. Or taking a job because you “should”. Or spending money you don’t have to send your child to a particular private school because everyone else does.

It’s all external external external anxious striving for an idealized state we may have had in early childhood. Then again, we might not have had it. But we still idealize it.

As humans, we feel the absence and know we need both acceptance and approval to get along in this world.

After all, who among us could live without love?

Yet, placing the power of love in the hands of others – love is something we get externally – puts us at the whim of folks who may be unable or unhealthy. Or worse.

Think difficult bosses, spouses, teachers, neighbors. You’ve had ’em. I’ve had ’em.

We all have.

And you can’t get something from them that they are constitutionally unable to give.

So, it seems to me that the wisest thing any of us can do is give ourselves that which we seek from others.

Fromm says, “Eventually, the mature person has come to the point where he is his own mother and his own father. He has, as it were, a motherly and fatherly conscience…The mature person has become free from the outside mother and father figures, and has build them up inside…not by incorporating mother and father, but by building a motherly conscience on his own capacity for love, and a fatherly conscience on his reason and judgment.”

There’s the idea. If you feel trapped in a cycle of seeking external validation – desiring acceptance and approval (mother love and father love) – become your own parent.

That’s not to say that you have to chuck your own parents over the side. Nor am I suggesting that by parenting yourself you are somehow making a referendum on how you were raised. Or that you’re becoming a flaming narcissist. No, that’s not it.

What it is is this: every day, treat yourself the way you would treat someone you deeply love, approve of and accept. And to get there, of course, you must act in ways that you love, approve and accept.

Act with integrity. Be kind. Watch your self-talk, as well as your talk with others. Say yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.

Treat yourself with care. Honor yourself. Be proud of yourself.

And, give yourself a pat on the back now and then. Because you know better than anyone how far you’ve come.

How’s Your Energy?

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You may have heard me mention this – oh, one, two, three, seventy-five times – but my daughter, Grace, is a sophomore in high school and plays on the varsity softball team. Since she picked up the sport in fifth grade, I have enjoyed watching her skills and experience grow, and have loved watching how teams of girls come together.

This year, Grace decided to take on a new position – catcher – and while the role has its ups and downs (literally, up and down – gotta have good knees to play behind the plate), she quickly took to it and even learned to call pitches.

Sometimes in a game there’s an inning where everything falls apart. Balls are bobbled, throws are blown, the other team scores.

It feels horrible.

And yet, when you see a team on the brink of destruction who manages to get it under control, find their center and go on to win – it’s pretty impressive.

One day, I asked Grace about the energy on her team after such an inning. She said:

“Mom, this is what I’ve learned – if the catcher is calm then Kate (the pitcher) is calm. If Kate is calm then Izzy (the shortstop) is calm, and if Izzy’s calm then Joanna (second) and Lillian (first) are calm, too. And if they’re calm…” She paused. “I was going to say that if they’re calm then Charlotte (third) is also calm, but it takes a lot to rattle Charlotte.

“You know, it comes down to: if the infield has it together, the outfield will be fine, and we’re going to win.”

Helluva lesson to learn at age 16:

One person’s energy can completely shift the energy of a larger group of people, and move them toward success, or failure.

I didn’t learn this lesson fully until I worked at The White House. My job was to go ahead of The President and organize and execute his public events. I was an “advance man” – we’d land in a city and in five days, we’d have pulled together a Presidential event for 40,000 people.

In that kind of high pressure, high stakes situation, there is – literally – no time for someone to say, “It will take a month to build the stage” because it can’t take a month – the President is landing at the airport on Friday.

It was in that job that I learned how to build a solid coalition, negotiate successfully and how to convert a definite “no” into resounding “yes”.

I learned that:

One person’s commitment to  positive “can-do” energy inspired everyone else to go above and beyond. And deliver.

Today, I am often called in to workplaces to help a team create a successful strategic plan. And I can tell when a team is in trouble – it’s usually because there is some powerful negative energy in the room:

Someone’s ticked off.

Someone’s focused on getting and/or keeping power.

Someone’s about to leave for another job and is settling scores.

Someone’s playing favorites.

Someone’s  completely given up.

I’m thinking this may sound familiar to some of you.

So – analogy time – if the catcher doesn’t give a rat’s patootie about whether the ball lands in her glove or not, then the pitcher is going to freak out. When the pitcher is off her game, the infield falls apart. And when the infield falls apart, the outfield follows suit.

It’s at this critical moment that one person’s energy can make a huge difference.

Meaning… you. You can make a huge difference.

You can choose to step up to the plate, and be calm. To be kind. To ask good questions.

To audit your own energy and bring the best of it to the field.

Do it well, and you’ll win.  Cuz you called the pitch.

 

Listen

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I believe that listening well is the greatest honor you can pay another person.

When you listen, you tell another person that you value them. That you respect them. That they matter.

And if you are someone who needs to work with other people to get things done, then there is no better way to lead than to listen.

This is true in the workplace, and it’s true with toddlers.

I imagine you’ve heard of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, haven’t you? Probably no surprise to you – I only really like two and a half of the habits.

The one I half-like is “Sharpen The Saw”, which in principle – to continually learn – I am totally on board with. “Sharpen” and “Saw” strike me as a little too chest-thumping lumberjacky macho macho.

That being said, another I really like is “Start With The End In Mind”, which is all about vision – vitally important.

But the best habit is: “Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood” which is a succinct endorsement of the power of listening.

Listen first, understand what the other person is saying, and then say what you need to say.

Sounds easy.  Can sometimes be hard.

Let’s make it easier with just a few tips:

  1. Turn off the phone
  2. Stop texting
  3. Do not check your email
  4. Move to another room if you can’t pretend the game is not on
  5. Let the other person have uninterrupted space to say what needs to be said
  6. Make eye contact
  7. Repeat or rephrase what you’ve heard – this is called “Active Listening”
  8. Ask if you’ve understood their point or argument
  9. Clarify as needed
  10. Now, say what you want to say -without judgment and ego

It’s that last bit that makes most of us grind our teeth. Having a staff person tell you what’s wrong with the roll-out may feel like a challenge to your expertise or planning skills or authority, but unless you’re Steve Jobs you might want to listen in case the kid has a point. Could save you some time and money. And maybe even guarantee the success you’re aiming for.

Plus, that kid could end up being the next Steve Jobs – wouldn’t it be cool to have been his mentor?

Even if the listening you’re doing is with your child who is telling you something you’d rather not hear – and, trust me, if you have a teenager this happens frequently – separating what is being said from your own ego is key to building a stronger relationship.

Which is the point, right?

In this fast-paced, go-go-go, multi-media, multi-input, multi-stimulus world, taking time out of time to really listen can shift a relationship from superficial to rich. And results from ho-hum to amazing.

Real, connected listening builds respect, which – in my opinion – we could use a lot more of in this world of ours.

So, ready?  It’s time to listen up.

 

 

Yes, This Is For You

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In case you’re wondering, I’m writing this for you today.  Because I know how much you struggle.  I know how you try to be brave and strong, and try to be positive, and try so very hard to bring only good things into your life.

In an effort to preserve the peace, you’ve swallowed your words for years.  Conflict or even the prospect of conflict – wow, that gives you an ache in the pit of your belly.

How can you be the person everyone expects you to be and say things that are hard to say?  Harder to hear?

What if people heard what you really had to say, and then got mad?  Caused a scene?  Decided they didn’t like you?  Fired you? Or left you?

Academics write books on effective communication and they always envision scenarios where both parties are equally committed to a positive solution. Like this actually happens in the real world.  Usually, one timid person raises a difficult something and a bully turns into rubber and bounces the pain back. You’ve been there, haven’t you?

Honey, I know you.  And I know just how hard this is – but I also know how much you suffer in silence.

Can I tell you something?  Every time you refrain from saying what needs to be said, you lose a little bit of your self. A little bit of your strength.  A little bit of what makes you, you. And one day you may wake up to find that there’s nothing left.

That’s the hollow and vacant space where your soul once was. That’s when you wonder who you are and if your life really has any meaning.

Don’t wait until you’re there.  Start from right here.  Pledge to yourself that you won’t walk away from the difficult subjects lodged in your heart.  Be patient and gentle with yourself – it’ll be a bit overwhelming to start reversing the pattern, because you’ve been out of practice for years.

Know how wonderful children are?  Know how they say the darnedest things?  Kids have the honest heart to ask, “Why?” And they have the presence to say “ouch” when something hurts.

And here’s where I’d like you to focus – on being like a wonderful kid. 

Simply say “ouch” when something hurts.

The easiest way to start having hard conversations is to focus on your own “ouch”.  Too many of us face difficult people and difficult conversations with the intention that we’re going to win by getting someone else to change, or by getting them to validate us by telling us, by golly, that we’re right!

When where you have to start is by claiming your own voice, and knowing that simply expressing yourself is winning.

It doesn’t matter what the other person does.  It doesn’t matter how they react.  What matters is that you have claimed where you hurt, and what that means for you.

Of course, your pain ain’t nobody’s business but your own.  So no blaming, and no name calling, OK?  Simply state, “I feel …” and get it out there.

Sure, it’s scary.  But start small.  Don’t jump out of the box by confronting the biggest, baddest pain you’ve ever faced.  Start with the small pain in the moment, be clear about what feels ouchy, use “I” statements and – guess what? – it’ll probably be no big deal to anyone else but you.  And each time you recognize and voice your ouch, you’ll build your muscles, and feel stronger, and then you can tackle the larger and larger ouches.

Until the long-held pain is gone and all you have to do is manage the little bumps and scrapes you get in the course of a day.

Won’t that feel good?  And instead of relentless, forced happiness, you’ll feel truly happy.

Which, my friend, is everything.

When Gifts Become Junk

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Difficult people are so difficult.

Demanding, whiny, needy, unreasonable, unconscious, a pain in the butt, belligerent, jerk, fearful… I can go on.  Bet you can, too. Some people just sap the energy from the room.  Or are so negative and critical that being around them is never joyful.  Don’t you find your own mood shifting to match theirs? So what starts as a great day becomes a freak show.  What a downer.  Who wants to live like that?

So, you’ve got a Energy Sucking Black Hole Of A Person in your life.  What do you do?

This week I read a wonderful blog post by my friend Hiro Boga, called What Happens To A Gift You Refuse To Accept? and it got me thinking.

We are trained from childhood to always accept a gift even if it’s like the fancy soap that I once received as a gift — and the soap had been used.  Yes, I had been re-gifted.  And the original gift card from the original giver was in the bottom of the box.

We’ve been told to graciously accept even gifts such as this and write a thoughtful, tasteful thank you note.  Regardless.

Yet.

I have received gifts I cannot use.  Don’t want.  Don’t make sense.  That really belonged to someone else.  Sometimes these gifts reflect what other people think I should be, or should like, or should want.  Which aren’t gifts at all.

And these things clutter my life.

As I cleaned out a linen closet yesterday, I uncovered many presents I had been holding on to because they were gifts, afterall.  And one is supposed to be grateful.  So, I had stuffed them into a closet and they slowly turned into junk.  Junk which is making its way to Goodwill later today.

Feel a metaphor coming at you?

OK, so like Hiro Boga wrote, just because a person wants to give me a gift of… their negativity, their anxiety, their fear… I can simply say no thanks and let them keep it.  Because if I accept their gift, I clutter up the linen closet of my life.

It really comes down to: if I spend my time and energy sharing their discontent and helping them live their life, when do I have time to live my own?

People come to me for help with the difficult people they encounter at work.  And often it comes down to not setting boundaries, which is hard for so many of us.  A co-worker sits down to “vent” and we feel the need to help.  But we get drawn into office politics, gossip and drama — which keeps us from doing what we want to do with our lives and careers.

All theoretical I know.  So I will be practical.  We really need to do is reflect their “gift” right back to them.  Place it squarely in their hands — because it’s their gift in the first place.

And you do that by saying, “Wow, sounds tough.  What do you plan to do about it?”

That’s how you do it.  Kindly, respectfully, with boundaries intact.  And then you get on to living your own life.

When Life Meets The Fairy Tale

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bigstock-family-christmas-x-mas-wint-53829334

At this time of the year there are so many expectations. It’s as if we’ve bought into a collective fairy tale, and it goes something like this:

It’s Christmas morning. A large, happy, healthy, attractive, educated, polite, loving family gathers in tasteful bathrobes and slippers under a tastefully decorated tree in a tastefully decorated, expansive home. Beautiful little children are appropriately excited, and the well-behaved, well-groomed dog lazes nearby. A fire crackles in the hearth.

Let’s put you in the scene, now. Your handsome, loving spouse sits with you on the couch, your head on his shoulder, his arm around you. He pulls out the most beautifully wrapped box. You open it, eyes wide. It’s perfect. You kiss passionately. Your attractive and healthy parents link arms and smile in appreciation for such a wonderful son-in-law. His equally attractive and healthy parents beam smiles in their heroic son’s direction.

And everyone lives happily ever after, having had The Perfect Christmas.

Nice story, huh? But real life often fails to match up to this fairy tale, and we feel somehow cheated, disappointed, less than, or maybe even mad.

Because real life can be messy.

Maybe this is the first Christmas you’ve had to plan, organize and shop for — because your wife will be in Baghdad this year.

Maybe this year you won’t get a gift from your spouse — because his Alzheimer’s has robbed him of the ability to think of you as anything but that nice woman who visits him every day.

Maybe this year you’ll be alone on Christmas morning, because it’s your ex-spouse’s turn to have the kids.

Maybe there won’t be a perfect present under the tree because there’s not enough money for the tree, let alone gifts.

Maybe you’ll be missing your mother, who passed away in the spring. Maybe you’re, once again, the only single person in the room on Christmas morning. Maybe you’re in the middle of chemotherapy this Christmas.

There are plenty of ways your life is different from the fairy tale, huh? No wonder so many of us are snappish, moody and melancholy.

Because our lives don’t match the fairy tale.

And that, my friends, is OK.

Because if your wife is in Baghdad this Christmas, you can still give your kids the best Christmas you know how to. And your spouse with Alzheimer’s? His gentle wonder that such a nice lady is there with him is a precious gift. And when your kids spend Christmas morning with your ex-spouse, you are telling your kids that their own relationship with their dad is important — can you be more loving than that?

In all of our real lives, there are great challenges — and great gifts. When you feel angry or depressed or unhappy that your real life doesn’t measure up to the manufactured, unreal fairy tale — take heart. Just accept your own, unique life — messy, loud, fractured, silly, disorganized, untasteful. Because it’s all yours. And it’s perfect, just the way it is.

Honestly, would you have it any other way?

So, love it because it’s yours. Love it because it’s very real. Love it because love is what Christmas is all about.