Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

difficult conversations

You Do You (As Long As You Agree With Me)

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The cool kids like to say, “You do you” as a way of showing they’re not judging and we’re all free to be… you and me.

Yet, have you ever noticed that when you actually do yourself, some people will hurry to tell you just how wrong you are?

You: I really like lime LaCroix water.

Somebody: You know that stuff is horrible. It’ll strip the enamel off your teeth. You should just drink regular water.

You: (blink, blink)

***

You: I think Taylor Swift is great.

Somebody: Seriously? She can only sing four notes and she should have never covered Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September”. Who does she think she is?

You: (blink, blink, blink)

***

You: I love Facebook.

Somebody: First of all, they steal your data. Second of all, who wants to know what you had for lunch. And third of all, do you not have a life?

You: (blinkety, blink, blink)

***

So, “You do you” becomes “You do what I say because I’m right and you’re wrong”.

Kinda icky, huh?

The Somebodies who would criticize your Being You-ness are investing not in the relationship but more in their own feeling of being right. They seek to validate their own viewpoints or to emphasize their own importance.

Don’t be that person.

When you make the space for someone to fully do themselves, you’re giving them a great gift – the gift of real acceptance. Because whatever they’re doing is ok by you.

But, then, when someone’s Being Them-ness is full of hate, or violence, or unkindness, what do you do? Do you suck it up and let them do them?

In a way, you do. But not without honestly saying your piece, such as, “I completely disagree with you” or “That is not my experience at all”.

You can firmly and without reservations do yourself and voice your perspective in the face of hate speech. In fact, you have a responsibility to do so.

When it’s not a high-stakes conversation, it pays to get curious. You might try something like this:

You ask why they like lime LaCroix. Their answer might be, “Because I’m working on my sobriety and I’m substituting a couple of glasses of LaCroix in the evening for a fifth of vodka.”

You ask why they like Taylor Swift. Their answer might be, “Because my mom and her mom are first cousins.”

You ask why they like Facebook. Their answer might be, “Because my aunt is homebound and it’s a good way for us to stay connected.”

All perfectly fine reasons, don’t you think?

They’re doing them. Which is very cool.

And now you know a little bit more about them, and your relationship benefits.

I know what I’m suggesting here is hard. Listening and not correcting is really tough for us human beings. And as a human being, I struggle with this – boy, do I struggle with this.

I’m trying to do it differently, though, by holding onto the idea that when you do you at your very best and I build you up rather than tear you down, we create enough space for me to be me at my very best, too.

I remember that it’s all about building stronger relationships.

Which is what the really cool kids are doing these days.

 

 

 

 

Do You Think Like An Hourly Employee?

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City commuters. Abstract blurred image of a city street scene.

 

It takes a lot to blow my mind. Really, a lot.

And recently I have, indeed, had my mind blown.

So let me tell you about it.

First, this thing kept coming up over and over again in my one-on-one coaching sessions. At first, just one person said it, then another, then three more and then – obviously, I’m lightning quick on the uptake – the shape of the thing became clear.

And I leaned back in my chair and said, “Wow.”

The realization is that some of us, even if we have a capital C in our title – CEO, COO, CFO – still see ourselves as hourly employees.

Especially if our parents were hourly employees. If our grandparents were hourly employees? Well, in that case, the mindset is often completely baked in.

So what, you ask? What’s wrong with hourly employment?

Nothing – I’ve had plenty of jobs that paid by the hour (Would You Like Fries With That?). There’s dignity, importance and purpose in working this way.

Though, sometimes, the clues we get working in hourly jobs are these:

  • The boss is the boss and I do what the boss tells me to do
  • I do my shift and that’s all I owe them
  • Work is drudgery and it’s impossible to get ahead
  • My schedule is not my own
  • I could be fired at any time for any reason so I better sit down, shut up and look busy

These clues add up to an attitude we take with us when we move into a salaried role. I’ve seen it so many times, manifested as:

  • Being fearful of (and overly deferential to) leadership
  • Not taking a stand or having an opinion
  • Working to the clock
  • Anxiety, depression and uncertainty

Other folks take it in a whole other direction. They make it:

  • “I’m being paid so much money – I have to give this job everything I’ve got!”
  • Fearful of losing the job they never believed they could have
  • Working with no boundaries
  • Anxious about having sole responsibility for decision-making
  • Impossible to have difficult conversations with subordinates
  • No or limited interests outside of work

Now, of course, this doesn’t affect every hourly employee who’s ever moved into a salary role and not everyone responds the same way.

But enough do that it warrants a little exploration, if you ask me.

Because I have seen people sabotage their careers because they haven’t been able to make the mental jump from “someone who does what other people tell them to do” to “I tell people what to do.”

They can’t seem to figure out how to move from “I am on a tightrope over a chasm of failure” to “Mistakes happen and my role makes it possible for me to learn and lead regardless.”

It’s a big leap from “I’m a cog in the machine” to “I run the machine.”

Most of us will work for years and years. My Social Security summary shows that I paid my first FICA tax in 1977 (from an hourly wage job!). Assuming that I continue working until I’m 70, that’s a work life spanning 53 years. Fifty-three years, darlings.

That is a long time to simply survive.

It’s enough time to realize that each of us what we learned in the past may have suited us in the past, but today is today. And it’s completely fair to consider: What works for me today?

Could it be appreciating an hourly past but living right now, in these circumstances?

Maybe it’s creating a life and a career that works not only for you but for the people you’re connected with – family, friends, colleagues and superiors alike.

I believe it’s also the satisfaction that comes from knowing, regardless of all the obstacles, that you’ve persevered and made a difference.

All of us owe it to ourselves to know where our feeling of limitation and anxiety is rooted and then pull up the roots and take a hard look.

If your ancient, inherited attitudes toward work are holding you back from being fulfilled and happy (which you can be even with work that’s challenging) then perhaps it’s time to toss those old roots onto the compost pile and start planting new seeds. And my hope is that they flower as a new way of being – and success – in your own +50 year work life.

 

 

 

I’d Rather Be Right

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Sometimes the only thing that needs be said is the very hardest thing to say.

But we don’t want to say it.

I mean, we do but we don’t. You know?

We don’t say the very hardest thing because we don’t want to rock the boat.

Or upset anyone.

Or be unkind.

But most of all, we don’t want to be wrong.

[Because being wrong makes us question so many of our assumptions – a really unsettling and icky opening-a-can-of-worms feeling.]

We don’t say the big thing because maybe we’ve mis-interpreted the situation or don’t have all the facts.

We could be wrong because we really don’t know what’s going on with the other person, and if we ask we’re afraid we’ll hear something we’re not ready or able to hear.

Or we might feel too small to say something so big.

So we don’t say anything.

Even the thing that needs to be said most. The thing that will give us clarity, and relief – and maybe rouse our own compassion for the other person.

That’s the tricky part – feeling compassion for someone we feel just doesn’t get it.

So, we bite our tongue, maybe roll our eyes behind their back, talk to our best friend at length. Maybe talk with several friends, come to think of it.

And we desperately seek evidence to prove – PROVE – that we are… right.

Funny, that, isn’t it? We’d rather be right than be in relationship.

Because “right” means that we are a little… what? Smarter? More insightful? Slightly superior? Justified in seeing the world the way we want to see it?

[Oh, hello, ego. I see you’ve raised your little head again.]

We want deep connection and collaboration, but if we can’t say what needs to be said we’re keeping ourselves from the very thing we want the most.

So.

The next time you’re compelled to ask “What in the world could he be thinking?” and in that split-second before you jump to conclusions – do one simple thing.

Ask him. Kindly. Respectfully. Openly.

Put aside your ego’s need to be right. Just ask, “What are you thinking?”

Listen, reflect, then say what you’re thinking. Even if it’s the hardest thing in the world to do.

Always do the thing which will move you toward deeper, more real connection with yourself – and with others.

As a practice – whether you’re connecting at home or at the office -shifting toward real connection means that not only will you feel more yourself and happier, but you’ll find that there are fewer and fewer hard things to be said.

Because you don’t need to be “right” when you see the other person fully. And allow yourself to be seen, too.

 

 

Your Talk Is Killing Your Relationships

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If you really want to talk with someone – notice I said “with someone” rather than “at someone” – there’s one thing you can stop doing.

You can stop forming your question so you get the answer you seek.

Such as:

“Feeling OK?”

This question immediately telegraphs the response you’re expecting to hear – or maybe even the only acceptable one you’ll tolerate hearing.

This kind of question is not really about the other person.

It’s all about you and your needs.

In essence, by asking this way, you’re saying, “Please tell me you’re feeling OK because I am worried stiff/don’t care to get involved with your nonsense/moving on to the next person I make eye contact with.”

And when you telegraph precisely what you want to hear, it’s like you don’t really care that much about what’s real. You don’t really care that much about who I am and what I’m experiencing. So guess what I do? I take the path of least resistance and simply say, “Yes.”

Indeed, I lie because it’s easy and it’s what you want to hear.

If you want to build a relationship, you sure haven’t made one step toward doing so with a question like this, have you?

The question’s kid sister is:

“Have a good day at school today, sweetie?”

Notice how there’s not much room to say, “No, mom. No, I did not. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.”

It’s a lot easier to say, “Yep” and go up to your room and text your real feelings to your friends who will at least listen.

At work, this type of phraseology often comes from micro-managers who pepper their people with a series of questions like:

“I hope you talked with Sarah and checked  with IT, marketing and legal before you finalized the spreadsheet.”

Way to show a ton of confidence in your people there, boss. Your questions suggest everyone is untrustworthy, and no one has the ability to figure out what needs to be done. Except you, of course.

[Awesome management style, btw. Bet your people love you.]

It’s super easy to fall into the trap of talking this way. I mean, you hear it everywhere you go.

But that doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it works, does it?

If you really want to create a connection with people instead of tear one down, simply shift the way you talk.

Instead of telling them what you want to hear, ask them what they’d like to say.

Say, “How was your day?

Say, “How are you feeling?”

Say, “What’s your homework like tonight?”

Because when you talk like that, you not only hear the other person – but you also see them.

You respect them.

Which is how every relationship get stronger, better, deeper and richer.

 

Your (Dis)Comfort Zone

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Here’s our comfort zone:

I know what I’m doing.

I look cool.

I don’t have to do anything really icky.

Here’s our discomfort zone:

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I look like an idiot.

Ewww, that’s icky.

That’s really all it boils down to.

And yet, so many well-meaning, self-help people exhort us to, “Get out of your comfort zone”. Yeah, right – inside our noggin it’s impossible to not hear their words as “Quick! Fail, and look like an idiot doing something that sucks!”

No wonder we struggle with comfort zones.

Now, you long time readers will remember that I don’t advocate “getting out of your comfort zone” because I think sometimes having a comfort zone means you are staying in your integrity. I wrote about it back in 2010. See, I think you have a comfort zone for a reason and it’s ok to stay put in it – but that doesn’t mean you can’t enlarge your comfort zone and make it roomier.

How do you enlarge your comfort zone? Well, you start by looking at uncomfortable things and ask why they cause your skin to crawl – really look long and hard, and understand what’s causing the perfect storm of fear rising up in your throat.

It might be that you’re afraid that if you do something uncomfortable, you’ll look like the aforementioned idiot – so here’s an idea: Maybe you practice your twerking in the privacy of your own home before you debut on national TV.

Just sayin’.

OK, you need another example, don’t you? Let me bring up two things which are in many people’s discomfort zones:

Having difficult conversations about money; and,

Eating stewed, fermented eels.

One of these things can be mastered so your life becomes easier and much fuller, rich and flowing.

The other one is just icky.

And let me tell you this – you don’t need to enlarge your comfort zone to include things that are truly icky. Anyone who suggests that does not have your best interests at heart.

But maybe you can spread a little and learn how to do something you don’t know how to do right now. Maybe you can grow into a way of doing something differently which will be important to your overall life, your sense of accomplishment and general happiness.

Like looking someone straight in the eye and asking for the money that’s due you. Doing that will make a difference in your life and the lives of those you love.

If you ask me, that’s worth taking a hard look at your (dis)comfort zone, and getting as comfortable as you can with what’s in there.

Grow, learn, enlarge. It’s all you have to do to make the hard things easier.

Spring Cleaning

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I know it’s finally, really spring because all I want to do is clean stuff up and hum jaunty, happy tunes to myself.

Yesterday, I replaced the porch lights, cleaned the light fixtures and sang “I’m gonna pop some tags” the entire time. My singing voice is particularly resonant on the line, “I wear your granddad’s clothes. I look incredible.” [here’s the link to the song – lyrics are not safe for work, children or the easily offended]

I hauled cushions for the patio furniture out of winter storage to the tune of Rockin’ Robin (tweet, tweet, twiddly-diddly-deet, tweet, tweet, TWEET, tweet).

At the car wash it was, naturally, – “you might never get rich, but let me tell ya it’s better than digging a ditch”.

In my garden, though, it’s all classical music. Lilting, lyrical, wordless tunes soar through my head as I prune the rose bush, dead head the hydrangea and rake up the debris of winter.

Good golly, now that you think of it, spring cleaning is a terrific metaphor, right?

Like, how you can take this time to clean up any area of your life that needs a little pruning. Needs a little washing. Needs some attention. Needs twiddly-diddly-deet.

At this time of year, you have the perfect excuse to do whatever needs doing.

Because it’s spring cleaning time.

Difficult conversation? Simple, it’s just like sweeping the porch.

Hard money decisions? No problem, it’s just like packing up the winter clothes for storage.

New commitment to health? Easy, it’s just like washing the salt and road grime off the car.

All you need to be successful is the will to welcome the new and a catchy song to hum.

Let me get you started on your own change with a little anthem that might be perfect – Carry On. By the band called… wait for it… “fun.” Can it get more perfect than that? Because it will be fun.

All you have to do is to pick something that needs doing, and start singing.

Because it’s spring, sugar. Anything – everything – is possible.

 

Say It Plain

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When in doubt, say it plain.

Recently, my client Sara had a situation at work where saying it plain made all the difference. See, her friend was promoted one level up to run a project very important to the CEO and the board. Sara had, in fact, been put forward as a candidate, but the promotion had been given to her peer.

And then Sara was asked by the brass to join the project, and work for her old friend/new boss.

Now, as you can imagine, Sara struggled with this just a little bit.

First, she had to process that she hadn’t gotten the job. And then she had to process that her friend had gotten the job. And then she had to process what it would be like to work for that friend.

Good thing Sara had a coaching session scheduled. We immediately sat down to develop a strategy to help Sara successfully move through the whole thing. She needed to:

  1. Talk with her higher-up mentor to find out what she needed to do to get the next promotion (notice: I didn’t say, “What she did wrong” but rather “what needs to happen now?” Important forward-looking difference right there). This mentor said Sara is a star and everyone knows it, but that this was not the right permanent slot for her. There’s something bigger she can do, and proving herself on the new project was going to be critical to her future.
  2. Reflect on what she knows about her friend, and how she’s likely to perform as a boss – what does the past tell Sara about the potential for the future? Sara realized that her friend was a great project manager, and the two of them had success every time they had collaborated on projects in the past. This gave Sara a lot of confidence about what it would be like to work for her friend this time around.

In the first team meeting, Sara’s new boss was a little distant. A little formal. A little standoffish, and this threw Sara for a loop. Was her friend sending her a message? Did she not want Sara on the team? Was Sara a threat? Getting squeezed out?

Once again, we circled back to strategy. I asked Sara, “If you were in her shoes, what would you want to know?”

Sara gave it some thought. “I’d want to know that she had my back, and wasn’t a rival. I’d want to know that she was willing to be a full member of the team, and wouldn’t sabotage me.”

“Then,” I said, “can you say that to her, plainly? Can you say, ‘I’ve got your back. I’m in your foxhole for the duration, and you can count on me’?”

“Can I just say that?” Sara asked. “I mean, just…say it?”

Of course you can. Why not? If it’s what you authentically feel, and it would help the situation – why not say it plain and clear?

The downside to the strategy is that you’re showing some vulnerability, and most of us are itchily uncomfortable with exposing a smidgen of openness out of fear we’ll be laughed at. Or worse. Especially at work.

But the upside. Wow – the upside is all up. Clearly and honestly stating that you are committed to the other person and their mission is the simplest way to strengthen or create an alliance. And once the alliance is firmly in place then the vast majority of time-consuming office politics just fall away. How great is that?

Pretty great.

Sara executed on this strategy. She set up a one-on-one meeting with her new boss and simply relayed how much she admired the woman, and how much she’d enjoyed working with her in the past. Sara said she was sure that they would have a similar experience this time, and that Sara totally had her back. “I said,” Sara told me with a smile, “that my #1 job is going to be making her look good.”

Sara felt better, and more energized. Her boss felt supported, and ready to collaborate. Each felt safe in their working relationship. A total win-win.

And all it took was speaking the truth, plain and clear.

If you’re used to talking around a subject – dropping hints and innuendos – and wondering why you’re not getting what you want, let me suggest you try a different tack.

Say it straight. Say it clear. Say it plain.

And be prepared to take a giant step forward.

 

[Note: to protect privacy, “Sara’s” name was changed.]

That Hard Conversation

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Your voice is your strongest asset. Yet too many of us swallow our words and mute our voices because we don’t feel comfortable – in fact, feel rather icky – with anything smacking even a bit of “confrontational”.

Let’s make it easier, shall we?

The 5 Key Questions:

1. What needs to be said?

2. Why does it need to be said?

3. Who needs to say it?

4. When does it need to be said?

5. What do I hope happens after it’s said?

So, #1, what do you need to say? You’ve been dwelling on it, I know, but work it out or practice with yourself or a piece of paper. Trust me, don’t practice with a colleague or your 12 year old. Remember that old WW2 adage: “Loose lips sink ships” and get absolutely clear all by yourself on what needs saying. Truly, I cannot tell you the number of times clients (and me, too) have confided in a co-worker, or a friend who turned out to be less than trustworthy. Sorry to say, but it happens. With sad and unhappy consequences. So work it out by yourself first. Practice it. Use “I” phrases, as in “I really don’t appreciate the f-bomb, Tony. Can you stop using it around me?” Got it?

OK, with #2 it all comes down to this: you have to know your “why”. How do you feel not saying it? Make your response short and sweet as you’re working through the questions. Because you’ll come back to this in #5.

#3 will give you heartburn. Especially those of you upon whose broad shoulders rest the cares and worries of everyone in the world. You know, you’ve got all those people who come to you with their concerns, troubles and peeves, and de facto ask you to take care of it for them. Yes, you are strong. Yes, you are smart. But sometimes what needs to be said is someone else’s business. If it is? Keep your nose out. Say, “Wow. Sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?” That’ll work.

Remember: Your voice is precious. Use it wisely.

Timing is everything, and #4 reflects that idea. Difficult conversations become less difficult when you have them at the right time. Research shows that the best opportunity to change behavior comes as close to the action as possible. So an immediate correction when someone drops the f-bomb (if that’s the problem), or when a jibe cuts a little too close will give you the best chance to change the situation.

Dealing with a troubling situation in the moment also keeps the anxiety from building like a rolling snowball of ick. Deal with it while it’s still a flake and it will stay small.

However, if it’s a tense situation, then finding a time – soon – when things are calmer to give feedback and use your “I” phrase.

Because feedback is all you’re giving, right?

#5, what do I hope happens? If I hope people will say, “OMG! You are so right! I have been wrong all these years! I finally see the light! You are so wise, strong and kind! Thank you, thank you!” – if that’s what you hope happens (your #3 “why”), you might as well stop. That ain’t feedback.

That’s all about ego – yours – and the ego is a lousy foundation for action.

With #5, the ultimate outcome you hope for is that you have used your voice. That you can stand up for yourself. That you are the best advocate for yourself and you are on the record with what is acceptable to you and what is not. That you are known and seen.

Whether you are asking for a raise, or correcting an employee, or correcting your boss, following these five steps will make “confrontation” a little easier.

Next week? How about we talk about bullies…?

[This post first appeared last week in a private message to members of The Club – my low-cost coaching program. There are a handful of available slots now – if you’re looking for great tools, private laser coaching with me, and access to free classes, recordings and other features, won’t you join now? More information here.]