Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

deciding

Things Have To Change

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Pot Of Gold Coins

 

The more I live this life the more I am sure that in order to get anything I have to be willing to let some things go. Sometimes what I need to let go feels very precious – until I release it and realize that what shows up afterward is even better.

I often tell a parable to illuminate this point:

Let’s say you’re walking down the road one day, completely minding your own business, carrying a gold coin held tightly in each fist because they’re the only gold coins you’ve ever had and you want to keep them safe. And, as you’re walking down the road, minding your own business, you happen to meet the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow, sitting by his pot of gold.

He says, in his best Lucky Charms voice: “Good day to you! Dip your hands into this here cauldron of shining gold coins and you can keep whatever you can hold.”

Now is the moment of decision for you.

Do you hold tightly to the two gold coins you have – hey, they’re a sure thing! – and try to scoop with closed fists? How much gold do you think you can gather when your hands are closed?

Or, do you open your fists – maybe losing your two precious gold coins – so you can use your open hands to gather as much as you could manage?

I know myself and I know that I would, without hesitation, make my hands as big as they could be and attempt to scoop up twenty or thirty gold pieces – even if I ended up losing the two I came in with. This is probably why I’ve been able to keep my business running since 1997 – I have a high tolerance for risk and for not knowing how things will turn out.

[The truth is I generally assume things are going to turn out all right and you know what? They almost always do.]

However, if you have a high need for certainty, control, comfort – well, you might just tip your hat to the leprechaun and keep walking down the road. Because, for you, the assurance of your two gold coins matters more than the risk of losing them.

And this is where people get stuck. The proverbial bird in the hand. The demon you know. The at-least-I-know-what-to-expect.

The comfortable.

For all of us, though, there are times when the comfortable becomes uncomfortable. When the demon you know becomes a demon who’s destroying you. When the bird in your hand flies away. When the rules change abruptly or no longer apply.

And those are the moments when you have to – must – let go.

It’s so hard. It can change your definition of yourself. It can hurt.

But to become unstuck – to be happy and fulfilled – you must let go of those two gold coins you’ve been clutching in your tight little fists for so long, and begin to claim the treasure that’s being offered you.

Open your heart and mind. Rethink your assumptions. Allow your open hands to scoop as much as you can hold.

I promise you – it’s right here for the taking.

 

 

The Simple Way To Get What You Want

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bigstock-Water-tap-with-drop-isolated--42067918

 

 

You can keep trying, but you are never going to get hot water out of a cold water tap.

Oh, you can turn the handle.

You can wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

You can wait all you want, sugar, but face it – when you turn the faucet with the C on it what you’re going to get is cold water.

Of course, if you want hot water all you need to do is make sure you turn the handle with the H on it in the first place.

It’s just that simple, and just that vexing – all at the same time.

Do one thing, get one result.

Do another thing, get another result.

But when you do one thing expecting the result of doing another thing – you’re waiting forever for the impossible.

I only mention this because it’s happened to me. In my house, the hot water goes from the basement – which is underground – to the top of my house in possibly the most circuitous, time-consuming route in plumbing history. It would actually be a lot faster to tote a bucket of hot water up four flights of stairs than to wait on the pipes to do their job.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve opened up the tap expecting hot water to show up in due course, only to find that I turned on the cold rather than the hot.

And once I realize I’ve been waiting for five minutes with the cold water faucet running full bore, I feel like a total dope.

It occurs to me that there are plenty of places in our day where we turn the cold tap expecting hot water. Like those times when we’re waiting for something to be different than what it clearly is. Like waiting for the mean boss to become a nice boss. Waiting for the office gossip to stop gossiping. Waiting for the neglectful to start paying attention. Waiting for the moment for our significant other makes us feel significant, too. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

We expect that if we just hold on, just keep steady and… wait…. Things are bound to change.

They’ve got to change.

Don’t they? We’re waiting here.

But hot water doesn’t ever come out of a cold water tap.

Are you waiting on something in your life to be different? Think you might have turned the wrong handle? Check it and if you have – for the love of Pete – turn it off. Turn it off quick.

And give a twist to the faucet that’s going to give you what you want. It really is that simple.

You may have to wait a minute or two, and that’s fine. Because what you’re going to get – warm, clean, pure, refreshing – is going to be exactly what you needed in the first place.

 

Inside/Outside

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A "thumbs up" on a white background

 

Tell me – what do you think is more important? Is it knowing deep inside that you’re making the right choice, doing the right thing, wearing the right clothes? Or is it looking outside for confirmation that you’re doing it all right?

Now, plenty of people will tell you that the only thing that matters is how you feel inside, and to hell with everyone else. [Sometimes they say this with a bit of a jutting jaw and stomping foot, have you noticed?]

But the majority of us live in the real world and operate within a social compact where it does, indeed, matter how we relate to one another. So, the answer to what’s more important might rightly be: Both.

Humans beings seek belonging, don’t we? And sometimes our happiest path is the one where we make our choice based on our own internal guidance system, and then toggle out to get feedback from trusted folks about the wisdom of our choice.

For instance, I might really be very comfortable wearing a bikini while playing a trombone in Grand Central Station in January but by doing so I’d likely create some discord. Mostly because I am lousy at the trombone.

My friend Crystal would tell me that wearing the bikini was OK, but maybe I should consider a coat given January’s weather, and perhaps I should hum a little rather than attempt the trombone given my complete lack of skill with that instrument. And I’d be very grateful for that input.

So would everyone in the train station.

However, even the most grounded among us can get out of balance from time to time and spend more energy attempting to please others with our choices, rather than making a choice on our own first – and that can lead to trouble.

Sometimes it’s because we lack confidence in our ability to make choices. This lack of confidence often stems from the environment in our childhood homes and schools. If you had authoritarian teachers or parents (or siblings) who always had to be right – thereby making you always wrong – then it’s likely you never really learned how to have the kind of self-knowing that makes deciding easier.

[A note to parents: regardless of your child’s age, remember that one of your most important jobs is teaching your kids to have confidence in their choices. Not confidence in your choices on their behalf, but of their choices on their own behalf. Refrain from fixing problems, or solving stuff for your kid – as hard as that might be. Allow them to fail early, and fail well, so they will learn how to right their own ship, and have the kind of self-confidence that some of us have to re-learn later in life.]

The good news is that any of us who didn’t learn it early, can learn it now. And you can start today. First, write down every time you’ve had an gut hunch about something in your life. Did you just know that you’d marry your spouse? Did you just know not to take that job? All of those instances – write ’em down. Then note whether you listened to your hunch or not, and the consequences.

When you look it over, I’ll bet you’ll find that your gut is almost always right. And I’ll also bet that when you override your gut, you find yourself making a choice that doesn’t work out so well.

Once you know that your gut is always on your side, you’ll learn to rely on it more and more. And you’ll have more and more success. And you’ll feel more and more confident about your choices.

Voila! A happier, stronger you.

Because, truly, no one knows you the way you know yourself. You are the best expert on you, and when you come from that place of knowing – shoot, your decisions get really easy.

And if you feel murky, reach out to your own Crystal for advice on whatever feels like your own Grand Central Station thing. Because feedback from a clear-headed friend who has your back can prevent a number of foolhardy disasters.

Yes, go inside to make choices. And if you feel the need to double-check, go outside.

Ain’t no shame in that.

 

When Everything’s A Priority

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Flipper

In the go-go-go world in which we live, sometimes it feels impossible to prioritize – there’s always so much going on, and so much to do, and so much we should be doing. We careen along our lives as if we’re in one giant pinball machine, banging into buzzers, whizzing by bumpers and – sometimes – losing ourselves deep black holes, with the only option… to start all over again. Pull that spring back as far as it’ll go and – wham! – you’re launched right the chaos of blinking lights and dinging bells.

Bing. Bing bing. Bing bing bing. Bing. Thwack. Bing. Bing. Bing.

Knowing your priorities can make this a whole lot easier.

Oh, I know that there are some who say, “Priorities, schmi-orities. No one’s gonna tell me what to do, and where to go! No way, man!” (or, “dude”, depending on age group).

Yes, for some people priorities feel limiting and inflexible. But for all of their no-way-man resistance, they still have priorities which they serve.

How do I know?

Simple. I watch what they do.

Because you can only see what someone truly prioritizes by watching what they do. Actions always reveal true intentions.

There are a couple of ways to identify your priorities.  First, you can use my Personal Planning Tool worksheet, which ultimately drives you to identify those things, in rank order, that are most important today. Download the PDF.

You can also sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil and do this exercise. Pick a day last week – a typical day when you had stuff to do.  Ask yourself:

When did I wake up? How did I feel?

When did I get out of bed? How did I feel?

What did I do first? How did I feel about that?

What did I do next? How did I feel about it?

[note: be more specific than saying “I went to work”; say, “I drove to the parking lot, parked, went to my office, read email, went to the meeting with Jim, phone calls with Tom, Dick and Harry. Lunch at desk while checking email,” etc. and continue to note how you felt at each of these times.]

Keep asking “What did I do next/how did it feel?” until you get to when you got into bed and when you fell asleep.

Now, go back and look at this typical day. Anything pop out at you?

What did you make time for, without fail?

Where did you always say yes?

Where did you feel great? Where did it feel awful?

It’s a hunch, but I’ll bet that the people, places and things you said yes to, made time for and felt great about are your true priorities.

And the other stuff may be other people’s priorities, or what society tells you “should” be priorities, but which really hold no oomph for you.

So, looking at your time, it might be revealed that your true priority is your daily five mile run.

Or the office fantasy football league discussions. Which allow you to feel the deep satisfaction of belonging.

Or taking your kids to school and picking them up. Allowing the space to be fully engaged in their lives.

Or your health. Or someone else’s health. Permitting the grace of caregiving, or the power of self-care.

Or your own learning and growth. Gaining mastery of knowledge and understanding.

Whatever it is, it’s yours. And by honing in on your priorities, you come into awareness of your own ability to achieve, and to accomplish, and to be at your best more of the time.

So you might say one thing is a priority – often it’s around work, or your marriage, or your kids – but when you take an honest look at how you really spend your time, something else might show up.

Whatever that is? That’s your real priority. It’s not necessarily your spoken priority, mind you. But it is what you’re serving.

Address this misalignment between what we say and what we do and – just like getting bonus time – we’re on the road to getting happier, more effective and wiser.

So instead of saying, “My work is my priority”, honor that maybe your real priority is the things your work allows you to do – to connect with others, to learn, to grow, to have the space and time to run five miles a day, or pick your kids up from school.

It’s your choice. All of it – your choice.

You can be the ball.

Or you can be the Pinball Wizard, working the flipper to serve your most vital priority.

 

 

“On My Way.”

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There is a lot of comfort in having a plan.

It’s like:

If I take this step,

Then that step,

And do this thing exactly next,

And if the wind blows right

And the Moon is in the seventh house

And Jupiter aligns with Mars

Then peace will guide the planets,

And I will get what I want.

But somewhere between taking the step and doing the thing, a bunch of stuff can happen.

Your spouse raises those eyebrows and rolls those eyes.

The stock market falls 400 points.

Your boss announces her departure.

The hospital sends you a mystery bill related to the surgery you had three years ago.

Your kid gets accepted into the college of his dreams – an out-of-state private college dream (so much for the in-state land grant university you were secretly hoping for).

And there’s that unopened letter from the IRS sitting on the hall table.

And your plan? You feel like shelving it, or burning it, because it all seems so silly and pointless now that all this other stuff has come up.

But, wait.

That thing you want?  You still want it, right? Or a slightly different version of it?

I bet you do.

Let me suggest that it’s not your vision that’s the problem, it’s the plan.

The plan no longer works, my friend, given the facts of your current circumstances.

Feels like a big deal to dump a plan, I know,  because you invested so much time and attention on it, but… not really. There’s a very simple solution.

Just shift the plan by taking the true facts of your situation into account and ask, “What does this mean for me? How can I be agile? What part of this can I still do?”

Well, here’s an idea: you can still network for that new job – with a goal of connecting with one person a week, rather than the four or five in your original plan.

You can still open a business banking account, get business cards and direct your accountant or lawyer to get your consulting business started.

Even if you are eating hospital cafeteria food rather than home-cooked local produce, you can still put fruits and vegetables on your tray and support your vision of a healthier diet.

There’s always something you can do to support your vision. Some one thing.

It may not look like the grand, sweeping all-in kind of thing you wrote about in your plan, but that’s understandable.

You’ve got a lot going on in your life right now.

And rather than allowing circumstances to swamp your boat and leave you stuck – look at you, Smartacus! – you choose action.

Stacking up step after step after step in the direction of your vision.

Never, ever losing sight that you’re getting there, despite the circumstances that might trip you up.

And when asked, “Hey, how’s that plan of yours going?”, instead of looking down at your shoes and mumbling something about Jupiter and Mars, you happily smile and reply, “I am on my way.”

 

 

 

You Are What You Choose

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You have a lot of options.

You may not feel that way right at this very moment. You may feel rather claustrophobic and limited. Or stuck.

Or, you see endless possibilities and aren’t sure which one to pursue.

Either way, it’s all about your choices – cuz you’ve got ’em. You just have to make ’em.

So commit to good choosing:

Choose the things that feel right, in your bones. Regardless of the naysayers.

Even if you are that naysayer.

Choose to do something today that you’ll be proud of in twelve months.

Choose to be honorable.

Choose, in every situation with another person,  to look the other guy in the eye, ask good questions, and listen well.

And do the same thing when you’re with yourself.In all things, choose to be decent. To be kind. To be human.

And while it is entirely human to want to win, let go of the need to one-up everyone else. You will find that when you let go of the neurotic, anxiously striving need to beat others, you allow winning to naturally unfold. On your terms.

For you.

Because when you’re not anxiously striving, you’re free to push yourself to the place you need to be.

Choices, then, are ultimately about internal drive, not external forces compelling you.

Choosing is about your own performance, not other people’s competition.

It’s about wanting to, not having to.

It’s all about your path.

Yours.  Nobody else’s.

So, choose well.

Choose today.

 

The Provocative Edge

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In a coaching session this past week, I used a tactic that sometimes gets good results.

[Sometimes. Whether it did this time remains to be seen.]

My client is a very smart, very talented, very successful guy who is in a leadership role in an industry that’s failing, in a company that’s panicked. From the day he started the job almost two years ago, he knew something was wrong. Something was off. And now he’s seeing all the bad stuff come to fruition. He’s exhausted, burned out and stressed. Yet he’s spending 80 hours a week stacking the deck chairs on what feels like a sinking ship, and there’s never enough time to do everything that could be done.

“But,” he asks me.

“But, at his level can you leave a job after less than two years in the role?”

“But, I”m a smart guy – isn’t it my obligation to make it work?”

“But, shouldn’t I have another job in hand before I leave?

“But, they’re paying me – don’t I owe them?”

I call this The Motorboat moment: But, but, but, but.

Which is no pleasure trip. It’s more like bumping through heavy chop in high winds. It’s no fun, and a little nauseating.

So I whipped out my best coaching stuff – I put on my figurative trench coat, dark glasses and beret – and I became The Coach Provocateur.

For every “but” he said, I said, “Go ahead, quit.”

For every reason he offered for staying, I offered a vision for what’s next.

For every “no”, I said “yes”.

Because time after time I have seen that when I offer a rather outlandish suggestion – “Quit today and move to Tahiti” – it allows the client to say, “Well, not Tahiti, but maybe Atlanta.”

And there you have it – Atlanta. A workable goal. A clear objective.  Something that feels pretty good.

But you only get there by considering the extreme potential.

My client’s homework is to consider what it would be like to leave in three months. What it would be like to take some time to recoup and renew – his soul, his body, his psyche. And he may come back with another solution than the one I offered. And that is perfectly OK – as long as it’s a solution he can use.

As long as it expands his comfort zone and gives him the relief he craves.

So, no doubt you have something you’d like to address.  To fix. To do better.

OK, what’s the most extreme, Lady Gaga-esque approach you can think of? Dream it up. Biggify it.

Then say, “If not that, then what?”

You may find that by considering that provocative edge, you’ll find your perfect solution.

 

Hope.

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There are people who will tell you that hope is not a strategy.  And I completely understand that perspective, especially when I hear my mother’s voice in my ear saying, “Wishin’ don’t make it so” (and she would throw on her twangiest twang as she said it, too).

But hope can be a powerful, powerful thing – especially when it’s tied to a really clear vision of the future.

Have you got hopes?  Could you make a list of them? A list of your dreams?  Your vision of the future?

I know I can.

I hope I’m healthy into my old age.

But wishin’ don’t make it so, does it?

What do I have to do to make my hope a reality?

Feed myself nourishing foods, get moderate exercise, see the doctor from time to time, have friends, enjoy myself.

Looking at it that way, doesn’t getting older seem like a ton of fun?

I hope I’m financially secure throughout my life.

Again, wishin’ ain’t gonna fill up my bank account.  So what do I need to do?

Work smart, invest well, save responsibly, spend reasonably.

[I like that – especially the work smart part.]

I hope I’m always connected to engaged, happy, fun, caring people.

Well, to be connected with engaged, happy, fun, caring people, I need to make sure that I’m engaged, happy, fun and caring myself.

You never get what you aren’t willing to give, do you?

The exciting prospect is that to achieve this I get to keep learning new things, doing new things, meeting new people.  I also get to be open, and vulnerable, and nurturing.

Now, that sounds like a wonderful way to live.

I hope my children are happy adults.

You know what?  I’m going to take that back. Let me be more specific.

I hope my children are good partners.  Good parents.  Good neighbors.  Good friends.  I hope they find meaningful work.  I hope they remain in touch with their own resilience.

I hope they find joy.

I hope they have hope.

Because hope is a vision of how the future might be.

How our lives could possibly be if we just line up square behind that hope and make it a reality.

Just like rock breaks scissors, darlings, hope squashes fear.

We hope we can, so we do.

Like magic.

Hope, when it’s backed up by steps toward a vision of your own creation – yes, in that case, hoping sure does make it so.

 

[photo credit:  Michele Woodward]