Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

confidence

What Brave Really Looks Like

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It’s easy to forget, in the rush of the day-to-day, what brave really looks like – so let me remind you of one or two things:

Sometimes brave simply looks like getting out of bed in the morning.

Sure, it’s brave to try something new. Admitting you have no idea how to do it is very brave.

Brave also looks like voicing an opinion.

Or respectfully disagreeing.

Or admitting you haven’t made your mind up yet.

Brave is being a true and kind friend to yourself.

Brave is extending your hand to a stranger.

And, brave is standing up for the rights of a stranger.

Anyone who creates art – using paint, clay, stone, words, numbers, performance, color, texture, shape – is incredibly brave.

Brave looks like absolutely loving the body you have.

And it’s brave to know you need to change something – and taking the steps toward that change.

Listening is brave.

Loving is brave.

Breathing is brave.

That means you, my friend, are so very brave.

Remember this the next time you have doubt or wonder where your confidence has gone.

It really hasn’t gone anywhere – you just forgot for a minute exactly how brave you are every single day.

 

Are You Confident? Or Arrogant?

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Headlines this week led me to consider the difference between confidence and arrogance.

Here’s what I came up with:

Four people walk into a meeting.

The anxious one walks in worried that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, and everyone else is going to see it.

The confident one walks in pretty sure she knows what she’s talking about, but imagines she’ll learn something from everyone else in the room.

The arrogant one walks in certain that he knows what he’s talking about, and everyone else better agree.

The narcissistic one walks in sure he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he’ll bluster and cover so no one else ever sees the deep flaw he keeps hidden.

You’ve been in this meeting, haven’t you?

You know, on one level it can be kind of fun to be arrogant. People might stand up when you walk into the room, and you might get your way, and no one ever talks back to you.

As they say: It’s good to be king.

But this is precisely how 100% of scandals happen. People do what they think they are supposed to be doing even if it’s ethically icky because no one has ever explicitly said, “Don’t do that.” Nothing remotely resembling challenges to the arrogant authority is allowed –  no back talk, remember?

That arrogance of leadership does not build… anything, with the exception of hundreds and hundreds of negative stories, and a ton of unhappiness.

Confidence, however, inspires debate within a team – which provides insight and perspectives to shape a stronger decision or choice.

True confidence engenders the kind of loyalty that is not blind, but is built upon high regard – high mutual regard. That’s the kind of loyalty which lasts.

And it’s the kind of loyalty which weeds out arrogant bad actors on the team. Quickly.

It’s the kind of confidence born of a leader’s willingness be known as a person, and to ask questions – sometimes, hard questions – and to keep an open mind. It’s born of realizing that each of us brings something to the table, and it’s worth knowing what that something is.

Confidence is also found in a willingness to be wrong, and an awareness that we’ve been through hard things before and we will likely face hard things again.

And it all will be OK.

Now, let me ask you – if you walked into the meeting, who would you be?

Is that who you want to be?

If not, there’s one thing you can start doing to edge toward confidence and away from those destructive roles. Just one thing. One little thing.

When you find yourself in that meeting, ask a question. And ask it with an open heart and an open mind. Then you’ll be the confident one.

[And if  you don’t think of yourself as a “leader”, feel free to substitute the word “parent”, or “neighbor”, or “human”, as you see fit. You’ll find it still works.]

 

Self-Doubt and Sandra Bullock

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Gravity Movie still

 

From time to time, we all doubt ourselves.

Maybe our self-doubt is the dirty little secret we hold extra close for fear that someone will think less of us for not being perfect, or maybe it’s the one thing we talk about the most just to manage other people’s – and our own – expectations.

Regardless, it seems that to be human is to wonder if we have what it takes to do what’s needed to be done.

The writer Marianne Williamson famously said:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

You are powerful beyond measure, my friend. It’s just that sometimes you forget it.

I recently saw the movie “Gravity”, starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. I don’t know what I expected – the promos for the film were vague and seemed to feature explosions in space. Not necessarily “my” kind of movie, but then a client raved about it, so I went. And I went big – 3D IMAX.

And I’m extremely glad I did.

While there were quite a few explosions in space, the movie is really about resilience. About stepping beyond your fear. About not knowing what the hell to do next but doing something.

It’s about courage. About love. About the will to live.

Even when you might think you don’t really have that much to live for.

I left the movie feeling drained but inspired, and truly moved. Maybe even changed a little bit.

Because I saw in Sandra Bullock’s tough, unflinching, tender performance the entire gamut of human emotion when faced with a life-or-death kind of struggle. Of course, I asked myself, “Could I? Would I?”

But then, I remembered… I am powerful beyond measure. I could, and I would, if I had to.

It was pretty amazing – as Dr. Ryan Stone’s light shone, mine began to shine, too. I became aware that while I might not always suceed against every adversity, I’d damn sure give it a good try.

I’ll bet you that there is something in your life right now that feels like a huge struggle. There’s something you’re avoiding, or doubting you can pull off. You’re afraid – there are a lot of things that might or could happen.

But, you are stronger than you know, and more resilient than you remember. You may not have the training, or every single tool you might need, or anyone to help you…but take one step toward a solution, then another, and one more, and you will find yourself on solid ground before you know it.

Let your light shine. Today. Now. There is no better time to step up.

 

 

 

 

The Iron Is Hot

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It’s not like many of us have extensive blacksmithing experience, but we all seem to understand the phrase, “Strike while the iron is hot.” Smiths know that to best shape a piece the iron must heated to the proper temperature and the blow of the hammer must land with force in a particular place.

With repeated heatings and repeated blows, the smith can create something beautiful, useful and strong.

But, of course, the blacksmith knows what he or she is doing. They understand the materials they are working with, and know how to calibrate the force of the hammer. They trust the solidity of their anvil, and use its different parts to achieve different effects in the end product. They also know their own strength, and bring it to bear in every step of the process.

Now, from where I’m sitting, I see something. I see that right about now the iron is getting pretty hot for you.

You’ve got to make that decision. Angle for the promotion. Find that new job. Start that new business. Heal that challenging relationship. Take better care of yourself. Do that thing you’ve been thinking about for all this time.

And you’re anxious.

You ask: Do I have the strength?

Can I manage the hammer?

Do I trust the anvil to support this work?

Will I strike right? When the iron is exactly hot enough?

Do I know what I’m doing?

And, from my vantage point, I say the answer is… yes.

You are strong enough, and you know what you’re doing.

Your strength? Comes from your entire body of work, and every one of your accomplishments, big and small.

Your hammer? It’s the unique ability and perspective you bring to your work.

Your anvil? Is the support of your family and your network of friends and colleagues.

And the hot metal is this very moment – right now, right here – and is just waiting to be shaped.

Trust in yourself.

Have confidence.

Take that hammer into your hand and strike the first blow.

With purpose. And intention. With clear-eyed energy.

Bang! Craft a stronger alliance with your boss, or with that key colleague.

Clang! Ask for what you want, and need.

Crack! Offer a great idea, and shepherd it into life.

Wham! Do the thing that seems hard, but not really impossible.

Now is the time. The iron is very hot. Will you take up the hammer and begin to fashion this part of your life’s work?

 

 

 

 

Be It Resolved

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WHEREAS, 2011 was a bad year for tyrants, terrorists and repressive regimes around the world; and,

WHEREAS, sometimes offices and workplace settings can mimic authoritative empires; and,

WHEREAS, the world of work has radically changed, making it even more important for you to see yourself as fully in charge of your career and future; and,

WHEREAS, the thing that has often challenged you is being a good enough advocate for yourself; and,

WHEREAS, you might also just be a little bit of a people-pleaser, which only means something you learned at one time in your life no longer suits you at this point; and,

WHEREAS, breaking a life-long habit can be a big challenge; and,

WHEREAS, you know breaking that habit is the only way to get ahead and live the life you envision; and,

WHEREAS, surprisingly enough, you can easily get all the help and support you need to make this change simply by asking people you trust to give you a hand,

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, that you will begin to shift your situation by taking small steps to learn be the self-mentor, self-advocate, self-champion you need to be

  1. You will say no, and
  2. You will honor your own preferences and assert them appropriately, and
  3. You will take the risks required to grow, even if they feel way too big, and
  4. You will not be afraid to be a person of integrity and authenticity, and
  5. You will find that by doing so you will actively move to reduce your stress, and
  6. You will stop feeling like you continually lose.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that you will stand up to office bullies and authoritarian tyrants, armed with integrity, confidence, candor and focus, thereby giving yourself the relief you deserve, and the kind of life you want.

RATIFIED BY UNANIMOUS CONSENT this 1st day of January, 2012.

[Your signature here]

 

 

 

The Crisis of Self-Confidence

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Seems to me that people are feeling kinda uncertain. Maybe unsure. Sorta like they have, well, y’know, no self-confidence. But I could be wrong. I dunno. What do you think?

Self-confidence is one of the top reasons people seek a coach, according to a new survey from the International Coach Federation. I have to tell you, I found this rather surprising — my clients come to me to work out a job search, or figure out how to have those difficult conversations, or get clear on handling their challenges. Don’t think I’ve ever had anyone come to me to say, “Help me grow my self-confidence.”

But when I think about it, increased self-confidence is definitely a by-product of the coaching process. And it’s my aim to help people figure stuff out so thoroughly that they have the confidence to coach themselves.

The move toward greater self-confidence can be tricky. When you’ve lived with “I can’t” for so long, “I can” might feel impossible. In that case, it’s often enough to start with teeny-tiny goals that are meet-able, and grow confidence slowly and surely.

And then there’s the “jump out of an airplane” kind of confidence boosting. You know, the kind of challenge where you tell yourself, “Hey, if I can do THAT, then I can do ANYTHING.”

But let me tell you about a third way.

What would you like to have, or be, or do? You want to be healthier? OK. Here’s what you do: You act the way a healthy person would act.

That’s it.

When faced with a choice about what to eat, you choose what the healthy person would choose. Exercise or not? What would a healthy person do? See a doctor?

You know the answer.

And, guess what? This small shift will make a profound change in your overall health. In just a short period of time, you won’t have to ask what a healthy person would choose — you just have to choose what you would choose. Because you are the healthy person.

Another example? You want to be financially secure. Then, how would a financially secure person make money choices? How would she spend? Save? Invest?

My friend calls this “act as-if”. While another pal calls it, “fake it ’til you make it.” Either way, it’s a useful tool for making progress toward getting what you want. Which is a huge self-confidence booster.

Two things to consider when using this approach. First, if you can’t see yourself as someone who’s healthy, or financially stable, then you may find yourself unable to act as a healthy person might act. To attack this limitation, focus on the potential positive outcome — remember Change or Die? What’s something great that will happen when you’re living healthier? Focus on that. Eyes on the prize.

Second, other people in your life may not want to see you change, because they might think that they will have to change, too. While your change can be an excellent opportunity for group self-confidence boosting, sometimes fear of the unknown will cause people we love to act like complete jerks. See my friend Martha Beck’s terrific article from O! Magazine about dealing with the “change back attack” .

Bottom line? You have every right to have whatever you want in your life. You have the power to lose weight. To find love. To de-clutter. To save money. (Gosh, what a great title for a book!) Little old you. You can do it. And if you have to fake it ’til you make it, that’s OK. Better than OK — it’s great. And I have every confidence that you’ll do it.