Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

communicating

Talking About The Elephant In The Room

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Missed me the last couple of weeks? Yeah, it’s been frustrating for me, too. Try as I might, I’ve been unable to write anything I felt good about.

And that’s because there’s a very large, very gray, very wrinkly elephant in the room. Standing right there between us.

See, it’s like there are competing voices in my head. One says “write things people who might hire you will like because you are a business person, after all.” And another voice says, “Wow, writing like that feels contrived and inauthentic. Don’t do that.”

After some reflection and journaling and a few macaroons (the kind dipped in dark chocolate, if you’re interested), I’ve realized that when I merely show up and show myself, things tend to work out just fine.So that’s my intention with this space.

It’s a crazy world out there and – elephant alert – I want to write about how to cope and how to manage dealing with it all.

Here’s this week’s critical topic: How can you express yourself – how can you show up and be seen – in times like these?

Times where partisanship is applauded more than cooperation.

Times when trolls with screen courage unleash blistering vitriol at the slightest provocation.

Times when you’re not sure if you can take one more news report, one more headline.

But I’m here to tell you that if you swallow your voice, if you make yourself mouse-like, if you keep your head down and mind your own business, you will feel increasingly more awful than you feel now.

You will begin to feel as though you’re vanishing.

I work with clients who are Democrats, and clients who are Republicans, and clients who are independents. And some who live in Europe, Latin American or Asia. All of them – each and every one – are stressed by the tenor and tone of even chatting with people we’ve always thought of as friends these days.

Want to know how I try to navigate?

First, I never assume that anyone believes what I believe or interprets situations exactly how I do. As Stephen Covey suggests in his classic Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I seek to understand and then to be understood.

This means that sometimes I get to say, “I get what you’re saying. I don’t happen to agree – can I tell you why?”

The best case scenario is when they say, “Yes, I’d love to hear your perspective.” And if they say, no, they’re not at all interested in what I have to say…I move along.

Second, I remind myself all the time that I am a learner. Curiosity is my hallmark and my day is not quite complete if I haven’t satisfied that particular interest. With that framework, I can hear your perspective with and open heart and mind…

Unless, third, you are voicing hateful, exclusionary, racist beliefs. If that happens, I will tell you directly that you are wrong and I will not stand for slurs, epithets or threats. And then I get myself out of your presence.

Because what we need in our world today is far less hate and far more cooperation.

We need people to show up and show themselves – the best parts of themselves – as we find solutions to all the problems we face.

I’m going to do my part in my own little patch. Join me by doing what you can in your own patch. And, patch by patch, we’ll become the change we seek.

Your Talk Is Killing Your Relationships

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If you really want to talk with someone – notice I said “with someone” rather than “at someone” – there’s one thing you can stop doing.

You can stop forming your question so you get the answer you seek.

Such as:

“Feeling OK?”

This question immediately telegraphs the response you’re expecting to hear – or maybe even the only acceptable one you’ll tolerate hearing.

This kind of question is not really about the other person.

It’s all about you and your needs.

In essence, by asking this way, you’re saying, “Please tell me you’re feeling OK because I am worried stiff/don’t care to get involved with your nonsense/moving on to the next person I make eye contact with.”

And when you telegraph precisely what you want to hear, it’s like you don’t really care that much about what’s real. You don’t really care that much about who I am and what I’m experiencing. So guess what I do? I take the path of least resistance and simply say, “Yes.”

Indeed, I lie because it’s easy and it’s what you want to hear.

If you want to build a relationship, you sure haven’t made one step toward doing so with a question like this, have you?

The question’s kid sister is:

“Have a good day at school today, sweetie?”

Notice how there’s not much room to say, “No, mom. No, I did not. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.”

It’s a lot easier to say, “Yep” and go up to your room and text your real feelings to your friends who will at least listen.

At work, this type of phraseology often comes from micro-managers who pepper their people with a series of questions like:

“I hope you talked with Sarah and checked  with IT, marketing and legal before you finalized the spreadsheet.”

Way to show a ton of confidence in your people there, boss. Your questions suggest everyone is untrustworthy, and no one has the ability to figure out what needs to be done. Except you, of course.

[Awesome management style, btw. Bet your people love you.]

It’s super easy to fall into the trap of talking this way. I mean, you hear it everywhere you go.

But that doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it works, does it?

If you really want to create a connection with people instead of tear one down, simply shift the way you talk.

Instead of telling them what you want to hear, ask them what they’d like to say.

Say, “How was your day?

Say, “How are you feeling?”

Say, “What’s your homework like tonight?”

Because when you talk like that, you not only hear the other person – but you also see them.

You respect them.

Which is how every relationship get stronger, better, deeper and richer.

 

How To Ace Job Interviews

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The single most important thing you have to realize about a job interview is this – the person doing the interviewing probably doesn’t really want to be there.

Most of them have never been trained on conducting interviews, and are doing their best to get through it. They also have a stack of pending work calling their name, and are fitting your meeting into a very busy day.

Sure, they want to find a good person to fill the open spot. As one senior guy said to me, “The biggest question I’m trying to figure out is – ‘Is this guy a jerk?’ And then it’s, ‘Can he do the work?’ Because I don’t want to work with a jerk even if he’s competent technically. I would much rather work with a good person who can learn.”

So when you walk in to someone’s office for your job interview, realize that they haven’t been sitting there, twiddling their thumbs, waiting until the very moment you walk in the room for the day to get started – no, you are just one more thing to get done in their very busy day.

Honor that.

You honor it by being early to your appointment. Yes, you heard me. Early. As in sitting in the lobby or waiting room 10-15 minutes before your appointment time. If you make an interviewer wait, what have you indicated?

a. That their time is not important

b. That you are not organized

c. That you might possibly be a jerk

A, B or C will get you screened out faster than you can shake hands with a rattlesnake. So, if you are scheduled to meet at 2pm, be there at 1:45pm. And take that waiting time as an opportunity to relax, center, catch your breath and be ready.

You honor your interview, too, by dressing appropriately. Yes, it matters.  For men, wear a suit and a tie even if the organization is not a suit and a tie kind of place. Like it or not, in our culture a suit and tie connotes seriousness and professionalism – and to a degree, respect. After all, we dress in a coat and tie for our most important events – marriages, funerals, speeches, important dinners, meeting the Queen – so dressing appropriately for an interview can show just how seriously you’re taking the opportunity.  For women, a suit is always a good choice, or you can go all Michelle Obama and wear a tailored dress. For both genders, the higher you go within an organization the more personal flair you can show – with color, originality and creativity – because that may be a part of your personal brand. But in the first meeting, restrict the bling to just one thing – one great scarf, pin, colorful tie, pocket square, bag.

It’s you that needs to stand out in an interview, not your accessories.

And you stand out by being prepared to listen 60% of the time and talk 40% of the time.

Let’s look at your 40% – what do you want to accomplish? Well, you want to walk away with your interviewer knowing:

a. I am not a jerk/axe murderer/psychopath – you will like working with me

b. I have the expertise you seek

c. I can take this where you need it to go, and probably further

[I’m really not kidding about the axe murderer thing. In today’s climate, if an organization can hire only one person they want to hire a sure thing. That means someone who can get along with others, whose entire staff won’t resign within the first six months, who won’t put personal spending on the company American Express card, who won’t diddle the interns. This integrity/likeability piece is absolutely critical today – and if you are integrity-challenged or have a history of these sorts of abuses, I suggest you get specific coaching or therapy to find ways to understand why you did what you did, and create a way to talk about how you have fixed this so employers can understand. Dead serious – this will break you if left unattended.]

The killer question you can ask a prospective employer:

What’s the first thing you want me to accomplish once I’m on board?

This works on so many levels – you can read what I wrote about this question in 2007 – but most of all it allows you to know exactly how the employer is going to judge your performance, so you know where to put your emphasis in the critical first 90 days of your tenure.

Plus, after they tell you what needs to get done, you can go right into a story about how you’ve already met that goal for someone else.

Because we human beings have told stories to one another for millenia. Job interviews are the perfect places to tell a solid story of your success. Have two or three ready, that illustrate your key strengths and accomplishments relevant to the job at hand. Keep them to two minutes or so each. Make eye contact as you tell your stories. Use your hands. Be engaged and engaging. Draw your interviewer in. Smile.

It will make all the difference.

Research shows that likeability is influenced like this: 7% comes from the content of what you say; 38% from the way you say it, or your tone; 55% derives from the body language you use in delivering your message. So.

Sit up straight. Point your toes at your interviewer – this will square your shoulders and hips, creating a feeling of open physical rapport. Keep your hands above the table – hidden hands equate to hidden secrets. Use your hands to make points – keeping your hands in the zone from your belly button to your shoulders, with your hands open and flat. This is power positioning. Don’t believe me? Watch a Presidential debate, sugar.

And when the interviewer asks if you have any other questions, always have one. You can use the question above, or something else that’s come up and needs to be addressed, or you can simply ask about the next steps. But never, never, never say, “Nope, I think I got it all.” This can be seen as arrogant, or uncreative, or simply unwise. So ask one final question.

Then thank the hell out of them. Shake hands and say thanks. Thank the assistant who set up the meeting, thank the receptionist, thank the security guard, thank the FedEx guy in the elevator with you. People notice when you express gratitude, and you feel better, too.

Write your thank you note and follow up with any information or articles or recipes or whatever you may have offered to provide.

And get ready – you’ll be going to the next level pretty soon.

 

 

Say It Plain

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When in doubt, say it plain.

Recently, my client Sara had a situation at work where saying it plain made all the difference. See, her friend was promoted one level up to run a project very important to the CEO and the board. Sara had, in fact, been put forward as a candidate, but the promotion had been given to her peer.

And then Sara was asked by the brass to join the project, and work for her old friend/new boss.

Now, as you can imagine, Sara struggled with this just a little bit.

First, she had to process that she hadn’t gotten the job. And then she had to process that her friend had gotten the job. And then she had to process what it would be like to work for that friend.

Good thing Sara had a coaching session scheduled. We immediately sat down to develop a strategy to help Sara successfully move through the whole thing. She needed to:

  1. Talk with her higher-up mentor to find out what she needed to do to get the next promotion (notice: I didn’t say, “What she did wrong” but rather “what needs to happen now?” Important forward-looking difference right there). This mentor said Sara is a star and everyone knows it, but that this was not the right permanent slot for her. There’s something bigger she can do, and proving herself on the new project was going to be critical to her future.
  2. Reflect on what she knows about her friend, and how she’s likely to perform as a boss – what does the past tell Sara about the potential for the future? Sara realized that her friend was a great project manager, and the two of them had success every time they had collaborated on projects in the past. This gave Sara a lot of confidence about what it would be like to work for her friend this time around.

In the first team meeting, Sara’s new boss was a little distant. A little formal. A little standoffish, and this threw Sara for a loop. Was her friend sending her a message? Did she not want Sara on the team? Was Sara a threat? Getting squeezed out?

Once again, we circled back to strategy. I asked Sara, “If you were in her shoes, what would you want to know?”

Sara gave it some thought. “I’d want to know that she had my back, and wasn’t a rival. I’d want to know that she was willing to be a full member of the team, and wouldn’t sabotage me.”

“Then,” I said, “can you say that to her, plainly? Can you say, ‘I’ve got your back. I’m in your foxhole for the duration, and you can count on me’?”

“Can I just say that?” Sara asked. “I mean, just…say it?”

Of course you can. Why not? If it’s what you authentically feel, and it would help the situation – why not say it plain and clear?

The downside to the strategy is that you’re showing some vulnerability, and most of us are itchily uncomfortable with exposing a smidgen of openness out of fear we’ll be laughed at. Or worse. Especially at work.

But the upside. Wow – the upside is all up. Clearly and honestly stating that you are committed to the other person and their mission is the simplest way to strengthen or create an alliance. And once the alliance is firmly in place then the vast majority of time-consuming office politics just fall away. How great is that?

Pretty great.

Sara executed on this strategy. She set up a one-on-one meeting with her new boss and simply relayed how much she admired the woman, and how much she’d enjoyed working with her in the past. Sara said she was sure that they would have a similar experience this time, and that Sara totally had her back. “I said,” Sara told me with a smile, “that my #1 job is going to be making her look good.”

Sara felt better, and more energized. Her boss felt supported, and ready to collaborate. Each felt safe in their working relationship. A total win-win.

And all it took was speaking the truth, plain and clear.

If you’re used to talking around a subject – dropping hints and innuendos – and wondering why you’re not getting what you want, let me suggest you try a different tack.

Say it straight. Say it clear. Say it plain.

And be prepared to take a giant step forward.

 

[Note: to protect privacy, “Sara’s” name was changed.]