Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

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Centered Enthusiasm

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I have a feeling. The baby buds of a feeling, if you want me to share the specifics. It’s an itty-bitty hint. A twinkling inkling.

Know what it is? I feel like a corner has been turned.

I feel like things are getting better.

Maybe it’s spring that’s doing it. There’s that moment in winter — some bitter Tuesday in February — when all the trees are bare and look dead, but you know within each dormant tree are all the hopeful buds of spring. All those potential leaves and blooms and fruits are inside that tree, just waiting for the right moment to unfurl.

And that’s what today feels like to me. The world is unfurling.

I am going to hold on to that feeling and let it take me past the anxiety, past the worry and past the relentless drumbeat of bad news.

Last Friday’s free class on dealing with anxiety around the roller coaster economy, vanishing jobs and the uncertain world touched on this subject. If you’d like to listen to the recording of the session, go to www.lifeframeworks.com and click the play button just below my photo.

In the call, I cover 10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Stop Freaking Out. Catchy, huh? Number 8 “Be with positive people” prompted a couple of questions — how do you deal with negative or toxic people?

First, you have to identify the negative people in your life. They may be so close to you that you’re not even aware of their negativity — because they’re your husband, your wife, your mom, your best friend. Who’s negative? If you walk away from an interchange with them and you feel depleted, discouraged and generally down — they’re likely negative. If you mention something positive and they immediately turn it toward the dark side — they’re likely negative. If they use a lot of words like “can’t”, “won’t” and “shouldn’t” — negative.

Once you know who the negative people are, you can do the second thing. Which is: limit your exposure to them. “My husband? Limit my exposure to him? Exactly how?” you ask. I like the technique I learned when my kids were in the Terrible Twos — simply say, “Gosh, sounds like you’re really upset and need some time to get a handle on things. I’m going to go into the next room, and when you’re ready to talk calmly, come get me.” Then you smile and give a virtual pat on the head and go fold laundry.

Negativity usually stems from fears. And some of those fears are real, and some are imagined. For instance, were I to stand face to face with a bear my heart rate would climb, my mind would race, I’d sweat buckets, I would panic, I might even whimper a teeny-tiny bit. Those would all be normal reactions to facing a bear. However, I can have pretty much the same physical reactions by simply imagining that I’m standing in front of a bear. Ain’t no bear in the neighborhood, but I’m behaving as if there is one. Why do that?

Some people imagine a charging bear because they like the adrenaline rush. Some people imagine something terrible because it reinforces the negative view they have of the world. And some people imagine the worst because it gives them something to focus on.

I’ll tell you one thing: when you focus on the negative, you generally find it. And if you’re surrounded on every side by negativity, all you’ll see is the bad. You’ll never see the happy buds of spring, you’ll just see dead, lifeless trees.

Dadgummit, I am going to see the buds. I’m going to be happy. Because I feel happy. Not wishful, magical-thinking happy, but what I call “centered enthusiasm” — I know what’s going on in my world, and I’m still eager, enthusiastic and positive. Feels really right.

Why don’t you try centered enthusiasm this week, and see if it doesn’t shift your mood from negative to positive, from dark to light, from dormant to joyful blossoming blooms?

Go ahead — allow the unfurling to begin.

The best in life coach tips and useful suggestions to help you get the life you want to live.

We’re All In This Together

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Double bubble, toil and trouble. Anger, maybe even rage, disbelief, uncertainty, anxiety — there’s a potent brew boiling around our country today, and I want to understand it.

From what I’ve gathered, the question is: If you run a multi-billion dollar company into the ground, and threaten the financial well-being of the entire global community, should you be given multi-million dollar bonuses?

Or, maybe the question is: Why should people who live within their means have to foot the bill for people who spent money they didn’t have on stuff they didn’t need?

Or could be the question really be: Are we all in this together, or what?

Back in 2004, I had the opportunity to organize President Reagan’s State Funeral. As the funeral procession snaked its way from the hilltop National Cathedral through the city to Andrews Air Force Base, I saw people of all colors and stripes thronging the streets. Hands over hearts, paying respects — didn’t matter if they wore a pin-striped suit up in Northwest DC, or cutoffs and tube tops down in Southeast — people turned out that summer day to honor a man some of them never even agreed with.

I distinctly remember thinking: people wanted to belong to something.

We had felt it before, on September 12, 2001. Remember that day? After the immediate shock and horror and loss, people were really nice to one another. We made eye contact. We held doors open. We talked with strangers. We even let people go in front of us in traffic. We were experiencing something big, and scary, and unexpected — but we were experiencing it together.

For a period of time our country really was a kinder, gentler place.

My seventh grade daughter is studying World War II in social studies. She asked, “What was the war like for our family?” I told her about all my uncles that served, and how five of her great-grandmother’s brothers had served at the same time. I told her about Gold Star Mothers. I told her how people saved bacon grease and salvaged scrap metal to help the war effort. I told her about rationing and about Rosie the Riveter.

I told her how everyone worked together, united in common purpose to make it through a very difficult time.

How to describe the feeling when the light bulb goes off? Pop! – it hit me: the problem today is that some of us are sacrificing — we’ve made cuts in our spending, we’re living below our means, we’re responsible with our lives — and some are not. The bonus-paying bankrupt companies and the bonus-receiving misguided executives? The foreclosure flippers? Doesn’t appear that they are sacrificing, or are making plans any time soon to change their frame of reference.

It’s a scary time and we’re simply not in this together. And that bothers us.

Because when times are tough, the American people want to belong to something bigger than themselves, like the war effort in World War II. We want our sacrifices to be worth something. We want to share the uncertainty and worry. We want to save bacon grease and send it where it can best be used. We will use ration cards.

But we want rationing to be fair. And we want to save our bacon grease for a purpose, not just to serve some public relations ploy designed by politicians and spinmeisters.

Let me tell you, the politician who taps into this national zeitgeist will find himself, or herself, riding the crest of a new wave of American political life.

But until that Mayor or Senator or Governor or Congressman wakes up and sees that business-as-usual is no longer the way business is being done; until that politician realizes that greed is no longer the driver of anything worth having; until that politican understands that the American people are smarter and more resilient than they’re given credit for — there’s only one thing for you and me to do.

We’ll do it ourselves. We will lead our leaders. We’ll say no to pork-barrel spending and yes to spending that creates jobs and opportunities, or helps the most vulnerable among us. We will create our own sense of purpose and involve our community, by simple things like having potluck suppers with the neighbors, or cleaning up a local creek, or working in a community kitchen, or donating to micro-finance efforts to help people start businesses.

If belonging is what we want, belonging is what we will create. We’ll be in this together. And when we step up and show the way, believe me, our leaders will just have one choice to make: follow, or get out of the way.

That’s what I understand. How about you?

A Good Cry

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The other day I saw a young father holding his young son in his arms. The boy was crying, and the father kept saying, “Now, stop your crying. Listen to me. Stop crying.”

Of course, the little boy only cried harder.

And that’s how it goes, right? As I walked past I thought of all the times I told my children to stop crying. Why? Because their tears made me uncomfortable. Geez, it was awkward. I had no clue what to do with a crying child. I was worried what other people thought of me as a mother — I mean, my kid was sobbing hysterically. Doesn’t that trigger the Really Bad Mother Alert?

As I watched that young father, my heart went out to him. And I thought about what I’d do now if I were in that same spot.

I think I’d say to my little child, “Honey, it looks like you need some time to cry. How much time do you think you might need? OK. I’ll be right over here — you take all the time you want.” And I’d sit and wait until the crying was done.

‘Cuz sometimes we all need to cry.

I’d let my kid decide when he was through feeling sad or angry or whatever, rather than tell him when to stop. If we’re told to deny our unpleasant feelings when we’re very young, how in the world can we expect to know how to handle them when we’re adults?

There are a lot of people out of a job today. Yet, many of them are stuck in their job search. Why? Because they haven’t honored what they really need — understanding and acceptance of why they were let go from their previous job. Every single day they get that old message, “Stop it now. Stop crying. Suck it up. Get on with it.”

And this is why folks get stuck. And why they bomb job interviews. And they remain in limboland.

Because they haven’t taken time to honor the full sweep of their emotions over losing their last job.

If your self-talk is all about the past — the wrongs done to you, how stupid your old boss was, what idiots they were to keep Joe and let you go (sound at all familiar?) — then do yourself a favor. Set yourself up for success by taking some time to fully feel how sad you are. Mourn the real loss you’ve suffered.

You may have heard that your results reveal your true intentions, and that is absolutely, 100% true. If you are out of work and not really working on your job search, what might be holding you back is the past.

“Oh, sure,” you say. “I’m out of work and she wants me to get all introspective! I don’t have time — I need some money!”

I’m not saying wallow. Or become paralyzed. I’m saying have yourself a good cry for as long as you need to. I’m saying let it out and let it go. And then wipe your eyes and get back on track.

Because when you finally come to terms with the grief you’ve been denying, you will have let go of the past and planted your feet firmly in today. Let go of the past, sugar, and it has no power over you. You’ll be happier, and look happier, and feel happier.

And happy people are the people who get hired.

Looking Back

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Can you believe it’s December? Before we know it, it’ll be January and we’ll have both feet firmly planted in 2009. Yikes.

This is a great time to look back at 2008, and take its measure. How was your year? Think back. Did you make any resolutions — and did you meet ’em?

[uncomfortable silence.]

OK, I hear you. Let’s look back in a different way. Take out a piece of paper. I want you to write down 25 things you accomplished in 2008. I’ll do it, too. Here goes:

1. Took out the trash and recycling every week.

Hey, believe me, that is an accomplishment.

2. Paid off and closed two credit cards.
3. Got my mammogram.
4. Started writing an advice column at BettyConfidential.com.
5. Met, then exceeded, my goals for my coaching practice.
6. Never forgot my kids’ orthodontist appointments.
7. Got my roof fixed.
8. Did more public speaking.
9. Stuck to my budget.
10. Made time for my friends.
11. Volunteered to chair a committee.
12. Went to the dentist twice.
13. Taught more classes.
14. Co-chaired my high school reunion.
15. Re-connected with old friends.
16. Took my kids to a baseball game at the new Nationals Park.
17. Published my book.
18. Held a yard sale.
19. Chaperoned a 6th grade field trip.
20. Got a new stove, fridge, dishwasher and microwave. Fun week.
21. Paid my taxes.
22. Took good risks.
23. Read 47 books.
24. Got national press coverage.
25. Laughed often.

What’s your list like? What does it tell you about your unspoken goals — your real resolutions, if you want to call them that — for 2008? My list reveals that taking care of my own physical and financial health, and the well-being of my kids, was paramount. It appears I also served my goal of being connected — with people, with my community and with myself. How about you? What did you do?

2008 was an up-and-down year for so many of us. You had the money in March to plan for a vacation in December, but now wonder if you can really afford to take it. We had $4 gas in August, and $1.75 gas in November. We’ve had lay-offs, foreclosures and financial melt-downs. Plenty of us have lost loved ones or faced serious illness. It would be easy to say, “Ick! 2008 was horrible!” yet your list may tell a different story.

Even in a difficult year, you did stuff. You made progress. You accomplished. That’s where you need to focus — not on all the up-and-down-ness. Believe it or not, your best 2009 resolutions will spring from the list of what you’ve done this year.

So spend some time cataloguing and acknowledging your accomplishments, and next week we’ll take a look forward and spell out some achievable goals — so you can make 2009 your best year yet.

Internal Stress

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A hundred years ago, society frowned upon those who were left-handed. In fact, the bias against lefties goes back quite a while. The Latin word referring to the left hand, sinister, means evil, while the word referring to the right hand, dexter, means correct. A hundred years ago schools “broke” lefties and turned them into righties. It’s estimated that seven to ten percent of the population is left-handed, so plenty of people were just plain wrong, perhaps even evil, in society’s eyes.

Imagine the internal stress for a young boy in those days who yearned to do the most natural thing in the world — to pick up a pencil and draw with his left hand. But he knew he shouldn’t. It was wrong. It’s not what everyone expected. He’d be shamed if he used the wrong hand. But he already lived every day with the shame of his innate preference for the “wrong” hand.

Do you struggle with similar internal stress? Plenty of us do. It’s being introverted in a family of extroverts. It’s being extroverted in a family that expects silence. It’s being a gentle soul in a workplace that expects you to be a shark. It’s being a shark living in a monastery. It’s wanting to live in the woods and paint when you’re expected to live in a gated community and be a lawyer. It’s wanting to live in a gated community and be a lawyer when everyone in your world values painters who live like Thoreau.

A few years ago I had the incredible opportunity to be at the Smithsonian when they brought out the rare Stradivari, and had virtuoso musicians play them. The sound that came from those ancient instruments! The skill with which they were played!

It seems that every instrument has one note it resonates to — the note that is true and clear. When this note is played, the instrument transcends itself and the musician and creates a wholly new, marvelous thing. Singers, too, have this kind of resonate note. It’s the note you sing when someone says, “Sing.” It may be sharp or flat, high or low — but it’s your natural note. And when you sing it, your soul thrums.

Internal stress comes from having to sing another person’s resonant note. You live in constant contradiction with your essential, true self. No thrum. Ever.

If you don’t know your own internal resonant note, don’t fear. You can find it. You may have repressed it in order to fit in, or, like our left-handed friend, to avoid shame — but, believe me, it’s still there inside you. How to find it?

Start by daring to live as your essential self. Be introverted if that’s the way you were born. Be loud if that’s how you really are. Be a goofball. Be serious. Be sentimental, be generous, be a hopeless romantic — be whatever you are when you’re truly, authentically your best self.

When you stop fighting your innate yearning, and just pick up that pencil in your left hand regardless of what people say — you will have found your creative, true self.

To defeat your internal stress, all you have to do is dare to sing your own note.

Whelmed

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The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed — she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn’t doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn’t really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you’re multi-tasking — trying to do two or three things simultaneously — you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there’s just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task — and this is where errors occur… you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point — you’re not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won’t have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn’t it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer — word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it’s the Paper Anniversary doesn’t mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That’s all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word ‘should’. In my life, I simply replace ‘should’ with ‘choose’ and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, “Charlie shouldn’t have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift”, you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos — and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You’re welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, “I feel whelmed.” We’re always over or under.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to answer the question, “How you doing today?” with “I’m whelmed, thank you very much! And you?”

Whelmed — the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others — reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists

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Ever had a relationship with Dr. Jekyll? Or was that Mr. Hyde? Whether it’s your boss, your brother or your spouse, if you think you could be dealing with a narcissist you need to read The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Familyby Eleanor Payson. Ellie was kind enough to answer some questions for me — hopefully, you’ll have an “Aha!” moment and know what to do:

How do you define narcissism to someone when they ask you “Hey, Ellie, I heard you wrote a book? What’s it about?”

When people use the word narcissist, or narcissistic in the informal context he/she may simply be referring to someone who is behaving selfishly or is self-absorbed in a given circumstance. On the other hand, in a more pathological sense narcissism references a pervasive preoccupation with self that is out of balance with a healthy give and take in his/her relationships. I should qualify here that this is particularly true of those inner circle relationships such as a significant other, close friends, or family members. In essence pathological degrees of narcissism reflect a disturbance that distorts a person’s relationship between “self and other.” The narcissistic individual is someone who has an undeveloped self, an immature “I,” and is compensating by striving to prop up a grandiose “me” (the false self of the narcissist.) In other words, his/her preoccupation with maintaining a grandiose me distorts and overrides an ability to give genuine consideration and regard for other(s).

When we think of the resources that are called narcissistic supplies we can begin to get a handle on what this means. Narcissistic supplies are those exchanges between people that foster the well being of each person in a relationship – well being that comes from knowing that we are individuals of value, special and important just because we breathe, just because we exist. A person with a healthy self is able to exchange an unconditional regard (verbally and nonverbally) in his/her relationships. This presence of unconditional regard may be seen in the admiring gleam in our eyes, a spoken appreciation, an effortful listening that seeks to understand and empathize, a willingness to hold ourselves accountable for injuries we may have caused, and so on. Someone who is narcissistically defended inevitably requires many more “strokes” of affirmation, recognition, efforts at understanding, support, etc., than they are able to give. In fact, there is a kind of obliviousness to the recognition of these exchanges in the unconditional sense. This is because the narcissistic individual is externally focused on conditional realities for maintaining the grandiose me such as; how much power and status one has, how beautiful or handsome one is, how effective in his/her career one is, etc. These external realities become the source of pseudo affirmation, and the narcissist is inevitably desperately attached to the maintenance of these external realities for self-worth. The individual with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can barely acknowledge what is meant by unconditional regard of self and other. Consequently, the narcissist requires an endless supply of affirmation to keep his/her false, or substitute self, intact. Ironically, the narcissist is unable to make use of unconditional affirmation as true nourishment and similarly unable to give it.

How does a narcissist tip his hand? How do you know he’s a narcissist and not just a jerk?

Often the slang expressions of “jerk,” and perhaps more colorful terms, do seem to be the layperson’s language for describing narcissistic traits in a person. However, once we have “vented our spleen” we may want to take a deeper look at the person and our relationship so that we can act wisely and at times with the imperative for self-preservation. We may discover that there is more healthy substance to the person than we thought, or perhaps the opposite. The surface presentation of a person can appear to have any quality – from “jerk” to “charmer” to “sophisticate, intellectual, drama queen/king, officious professional,” etc. It is what exists under the surface (or perhaps more to the point – what does not exist under the surface) that we want to recognize. Developing discernment in taking the full measure of a person and the full measure of ourselves is what we must learn if we want to have more fulfilling and mature relationships. The misleading facade of individuals with personality disorders is the danger to be on the lookout for, and we can be tantalizingly tempted to forego the effortful discovery process. If we miss the presence of a deeper disturbance such as the narcissistic personality disorder in a person, we may end up struggling for our very psychological, financial, or even physical survival.

A few of the clues that I cite in my book are:
Excessively:
– Requires attention, admiration, special consideration, recognition
– Demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
– Manipulates and pursues his/her agenda (often relentlessly, tenaciously)
– Criticizes self and others
– Holds unrealistic expectations of self and others, alongside an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
– Demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life — win/lose

Limited ability to:
– Fulfill mutually held “understandings.” Agreements seem to morph over time with creative “revisionist” ability
– Self-reflect and take ownership of a problem
– Tolerate anything perceived as criticism, or oversight
– Feel genuine or deep empathy for others
– Recognize the needs of others (except superficially)
– Recognize others as independent agents (separate selves)

These deeper limitations and disturbing defenses are inevitably camouflaged by the façade of some impressive or competent surface presentation mentioned earlier. The greatest danger here is that the outer demeanor often has a powerful aura of seduction emanating from a personality that projects the promise of larger than life charm, power, competence, originality, etc. The potency of this seduction is often so captivating that we can be induced into a kind of suspension of belief where our critical faculties for noticing distortions and inconsistencies are switched off. This is the crossroads, so to speak, of our own codependent tendencies that are necessary to heal if we really expect to steer clear of these dangerous relationships, or navigate them safely.


So, is narcissism treatable with therapy or drugs?

As far as the neurobiological issues that are involved, this is in many ways unchartered territory. However, I am always skeptical of individuals or approaches that lay claim to having all the answers from either the neurobiological side or the psychological side. In truth, we are a complex mix of both. Many individuals with a mental illness or a mental disorder will have what are called co-morbid issues, such as depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder, that are in need of evaluation and treatment. Once we achieve relief from one or more of these conditions (sometimes through effective psychotropic medications) we stand a much better chance to develop a more effective self-observing ego that can allow greater possibilities for growth and change. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder almost without doubt have any number of co- morbid issues that once treated would allow him/her to function more appropriately.

What should someone who’s in a relationship with a narcissist do?

The first thing to do is reach out and get help and not stop until you feel that you have found someone who can validate and understand what you are going through. If the therapist is overly anxious and quick to dismiss the possibility that you are involved with someone with severe narcissism or perhaps full blown NPD then move on until you find a therapist who can appreciate the illusive nature of recognizing the realities of the problem. Then, second, commit to therapy to deal with your own issues (codependency, or a mix of narcissistic and codependency issues, etc.) and stay in the healing process as you utilize all the normal tools of therapy including books that can help with insight and empowerment. In therapy we need to be willing to work through our own blind spots, our shadow self as Carl Jung would call it. This is the only way out of our tendency to idealize which is often unconscious and compulsive. If there is any way of finding a support group or forming one, this is another invaluable tool.

Learning some immediate tools for asserting boundaries to create safety in these relationships is a must, and for this I believe, Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is a must read. Since my book came out, I discovered books that I wish I had listed in my bibliography such as The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans, and other books that have been published recently. Amazon.com offers excellent reviews for selecting these. On the home stretch of the healing process, coaching can be an invaluable tool for maintaining self-care and goals that lead to empowerment. Working with a coach like yourself, Michele, who is familiar with the depth of the issues and the importance for ongoing healing work is a true bonus.

Thanks for the plug, Ellie. To find out more about Eleanor Payson and her work, go to www.eleanorpayson.com

The Absence of Perfect

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I struggled with writing today. I couldn’t find the perfect opening sentence — the one line that would grab you and compel you to read on. The perfectly turned phrase. An ideal piece of writing that you would remember forever, and forward to your friends and family with a tear in your eye and a lump in your throat. The Great American Blog.

I just couldn’t get there. I had writer’s block. I was stuck.

So, I asked myself one of my favorite questions, “In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?”

In the absence of the perfect intro, my options were a) to not write anything, b)to just write something, c) to go shopping.

Just for the record, I chose b). As appealing as c) was. And I got unstuck.

When you’re stuck in any aspect of your life, ask yourself the same question, “In the absence of the perfect solution, what are my options?”

Being stuck is tough. Going neither forward, nor back — just standing in place, watching the world whirl by. Removed. Stuck.

Pursuit of perfection often leads to stuck-ness. “I can’t have guests until my house is perfect” or “I have to finish my MBA before I can apply for a new job” or “I guess I’m still single because I’m just too picky” — all statements in pursuit of perfection. All statements which keep us stuck.

Shooting for the ideal is what we’re taught from the time we’re dandled on grandma’s knee. “Don’t settle! Hold onto your dreams! You can be anything you want to be!” But the dark side to what your grandma told you is that sometimes holding on to the ideal prevents you from doing anything at all.

Which is safe. But stuck.

When I pursue perfection, I limit my vision to only that which corresponds to my narrow vision of “perfect”. According to advertisers, the perfect solution for any single woman is a hunky, hairless, pouting, slightly sweating guy who stares vaguely into the distance. Were I to hold on to that ideal, I would miss the OK-looking, kind, thoughtful, intelligent, slightly hairy available guy who would be a good partner for me.

Perfection is elusive. It’s a soap bubble of joy. It only exists when we’re not blowing too hard. Perfection is in the spontaneous hug of a four year old. It’s in the kindness of strangers. It’s there in a great big belly laugh. It’s in the last place you’d expect to find it.

Perfection ceases to exist the harder you look for it.

So, when holding out for the ideal prevents you from actually living your life, and keeps you stuck, know your options. Choose one that will enlarge your experience and allow you to grow.

When you do, you’ll stop being stuck. It’ll be perfect.