Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

Christmas

How To Survive The Holidays

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[This first appeared on December 19, 2010, and I thought you’d appreciate it this week, too]

Christmas-tree-cropped

 

I wonder if you’re heading into the coming “magical” Christmas week with slightly more than a teensy bit of anxiety?  So much to do, so little time.  A lot of moving parts, and moving people.  Gifts to get, food to prepare, people to be polite to (it’s that last part that’s the real challenge, huh?).

As Ricky Ricardo might say, “Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi”.

If you’re beginning to feel like all you have to do is endure the next week, take a deep breath.  This 4-Step Holiday Survival Guide will turn things around for you.

Oh, it’s possible.  Yes, I know your track record.  I heard about the year with drunk Uncle Ralph, well… ralphing.  I recall the Christmas of Misplaced Nuts and Bolts.  And, of course, the never to be forgotten Year of the Stomach Flu.

Four things.  That’s all you have to remember to not only get through this week, but to really enjoy it.

1. Have no expectations. This doesn’t have to be a Christmas to remember (great song, but sorry, Amy Grant).  The more you push to make it “magical” the less likely it is going to be magical.  You might have an expectation that the True Christmas Experience means handsome mother and father in matching Christmas sweaters sipping a hot toddy before the fire while their well-behaved children play quietly and reverently with their well-appreciated new toys.  Honey, unless you live in Stepford, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Everyone has wild cards in their families. A puppy. Or toddlers. Or teens. Or Uncle Ralph. I’m just sayin’.

If you’re single, or newly divorced, or newly partnered, or newly widowed, holding this unattainable expectation of the fabled True Christmas Experience in your heart and mind will only bring you suffering.  Drop it. Love what you’ve got. Oh, of course, recognize the learning in the yearning and work toward getting some of that – connection, belonging, love, perhaps – into your life another way.  Maybe by volunteering at the food bank or mentoring a struggling reader.  Remember: You can create what you want.

2. Be present. I mean:  when you’re with people, look them in the eye.  Participate in conversations.  Help with the dishes. When you’re checking your office email, or mentally checking off your to-do list, you’re not really “here”. You’re “there”.  When you find yourself with alone time during the holidays, be equally present. With yourself.  Feel how you feel.  Pay attention to the book you’re reading.  Really taste your food.  If you’re present to yourself, you’ll be a fuller person, and, voila!, much happier.

3. Find the fun. Let’s just say it out loud – the holidays are hilarious. You are making the stuff of family legends, folks. To tell you the truth, memories of the unintended humor inherent in Christmas gatherings can keep me going through the dark, cold days of February, like when Andrew ate potpourri, thinking it was a snack (priceless).  Or, like the time my friend Karen and her family woke to the sound of “Crash (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle)” to find the Christmas tree had toppled, the ornaments had all broken and sappy tree water had run all over the gifts (OK, they laugh about it now). Oh, and remember that spontaneity can be an instant fun creator.  Have a snowball fight.  Or a margarita party.  Dance.  Do the Wii with great-grandma (I bet the old girl could nail Beatles Rock Band).

4. Give generously, not reciprocally. Yes, this is the lesson Scrooge finally learned, and we all know it because we saw the Bill Murray movie. But times are still tough for a lot of people, and what matters most is that you be the kind of person you want to be this Christmas. Want to send something to your nieces and nephews? Go ahead, do it – even if their family can’t reciprocate.  And you don’t have to give Things – you can give time.  Trust me on this one, even teenagers appreciate it when someone makes time to listen to them.  Give because you want to be a giving person.

Oh, and don’t forget to give something to yourself this year.  I mean it – find a little something that will buoy your spirits, and give you joy.  Wrap it up and put it under the tree.  Or give it to yourself in a quiet moment of reflection.  It can be as low-cost as the gift of a nap.  Or as expensive as a new car.  Choose what feels right. Because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.

When you hold Christmas in a clenched fist of direction and control, or focus on the keeping and settling of scores, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation you’re setting up. And you’ll have a lousy week.  So, lighten up.  Relax.  Enjoy.  And sing along as great-grandma belts out “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”

She’s gonna nail it.

 

I’m Not Buying My Kids A Single Gift This Christmas

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Stack Of Handcrafted Gift Boxes

It’s true. I am not buying my kids anything this Christmas.

Not one sweater.

Not one electronic thingamajig.

No Word-of-the-Day 2015 calendar.

No Guinness Book of World Records.

No iTunes gift cards stocking stuffers (I mean, it’s all streaming music up in here, anyway).

No, I’m not purchasing any of those things this year.

Instead, my kids – almost 22 years old and nearly 19 years old) – and I are going to have an experience.

Or, more likely, a whole set of experiences.

Because instead of exchanging gifts, we’re going on a trip this Christmas.

To some place they’ve never been, and I’ve only visited briefly for work. A place with great history and a wonderful climate and world-class food.

A place that’s easy to get to and relatively affordable. Because we’re not Kardashians, you know.

It’s a place where we can all kick back from school, work and deadlines to just…be together.

And we’re being thoughtful about it. The plan is that each of us will plan one outing during the trip – and pick up the check – as a gift for the others.

Because when it’s all said and done, will any of us remember some electronic thingamajig or will we remember the three of us stumbling upon an amazing street corner concert and dancing like fools?

I have to tell you, for the first time in my adult life my holiday stress level is so low it’s hardly measurable.

Sure, there are some things I’ve lovingly sent to folks – a shopping process which feels very happy because it’s a delight, rather than a chore.

And, OK, you might think my family would feel short-changed because there’s very little under our Christmas tree, or that our Christmas spirit would be nil because why bother decorating if you’re not going to be home?

But quite the opposite has happened.

The house is more decorated than ever – because I’ve had the time to do it.

Christmas songs are on a continual loop on Spotify. Harmonies are happening.

The See’s candy box is in its usual place of reverence on the kitchen counter.

“Love, Actually” has been viewed.

And Christmas cards are done, stamped and sent.

(That last one right there is a Christmas miracle, I tell you. A true Christmas miracle.)

So, yeah, I’m not purchasing anything at the mall or online or from a passing peddler for my kids this year.

Instead, I’m giving them memories.

Which, if you want to know the truth, is my favorite self-gift, too.

 

 

 

Christmas Expectations

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I wrote this in December, 2007, and Mary H. tells me it’s her favorite blog post. So, with her in mind, I bring it back for you now:bigstock-family-christmas-x-mas-wint-53829334

At this time of the year there are so many expectations. It’s as if we’ve bought into a collective fairy tale, and it goes something like this:

It’s Christmas morning. A large, happy, healthy, attractive, educated, polite, loving family gathers in tasteful bathrobes and slippers under a tastefully decorated tree in a tastefully decorated, expansive home. Beautiful little children are appropriately excited, and the well-behaved, well-groomed dog lazes nearby. A fire crackles in the hearth.

Let’s put you in the scene, now. Your handsome, loving spouse sits with you on the couch, your head on his shoulder, his arm around you. He pulls out the most beautifully wrapped box. You open it, eyes wide. It’s perfect. You kiss passionately. Your attractive and healthy parents link arms and smile in appreciation for such a wonderful son-in-law. His equally attractive and healthy parents beam smiles in their heroic son’s direction.

And everyone lives happily ever after, having had The Perfect Christmas.

Nice story, huh? But real life often fails to match up to this fairy tale, and we feel somehow cheated, disappointed, less than, or maybe even mad.

Because real life can be messy.

Maybe this is the first Christmas you’ve had to plan, organize and shop for — because your wife will be in Baghdad this year.

Maybe this year you won’t get a gift from your spouse — because his Alzheimer’s has robbed him of the ability to think of you as anything but that nice woman who visits him every day.

Maybe this year you’ll be alone on Christmas morning, because it’s your ex-spouse’s turn to have the kids.

Maybe there won’t be a perfect present under the tree because there’s not enough money for the tree, let alone gifts.

Maybe you’ll be missing your mother, who passed away in the spring. Maybe you’re, once again, the only single person in the room on Christmas morning. Maybe you’re in the middle of chemotherapy this Christmas.

There are plenty of ways your life is different from the fairy tale, huh? No wonder so many of us are snappish, moody and melancholy.

Because our lives don’t match the fairy tale.

And that, my friends, is OK.

Because if your wife is in Baghdad this Christmas, you can still give your kids the best Christmas you know how to. And your spouse with Alzheimer’s? His gentle wonder that such a nice lady is there with him is a precious gift. And when your kids spend Christmas morning with your ex-spouse, you are telling your kids that their own relationship with their dad is important — can you be more loving than that?

In all of our real lives, there are great challenges — and great gifts. When you feel angry or depressed or unhappy that your real life doesn’t measure up to the manufactured, unreal fairy tale — take heart. Just accept your own, unique life — messy, loud, fractured, silly, disorganized, untasteful. Because it’s all yours. And it’s perfect, just the way it is.

Honestly, would you have it any other way?

So, love it because it’s yours. Love it because it’s very real. Love it because love is what Christmas is all about.

 

On The Eve

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There’s this restless moment of anticipation.

Something’s about to happen, and you’re not sure about it. But there is no question that you stand right on its cusp.

Waiting.

A little impatient. Maybe a lot impatient.

[You say, “Let’s get on with it already.” Or, “Give me a little more time – I’m not ready.”]

Yes, something new is about to come.

And, darlings, one thing you fear is true: you may not be in total control of every element of the situation. Which is quite uncomfortable for those among us who have an eensy weensy control issue.

There’s a lot we don’t know.

What will it be? Will I like it? Will it be good for me?

Well, sugar, you’re just about to find out.

And I will give you one tip. One helpful thing you need to know to make this new thing the best it can possibly be. Ready?

Whatever energy you bring determines the result you achieve.

Go into this expecting the worst, and guess what you’ll get? But, go into it with your glass half full, and you will love watching your glass fill up completely. Maybe even overflow.

You’re on the edge, my friend, and it’s about to happen.

All you have to do is… let it.

 

Let This Glorious Day Begin

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This morning is still. Quiet.

It’s early yet.

Fleece blanket around shoulders, tea mug in hand, I lean into the translucent morning breathing the crackling December air.

I can see my own breath, and the steam rising from the fragrant tea.

Dogs happily run through frosted grass.

Birds chirp their morning songs.

Close my eyes.

Open my ears.

Senses alive.

Take it all in.

Yes, I feel it.

Deep satisfaction.

Deep love.

Deep connection.

In-the-marrow knowing: I love and am loved.

Lips move into an instant and unstoppable grin.

On this still and expectant Christmas morning, I’ve received the first gift: Profound appreciation for this one precious life of mine.

Silent, prayerful thanks flow like a river coated with ice – underneath it’s constant, steady, powerful.

Reverie.

Until yipping dogs announce it’s time to go inside.

And so I do.

Full to the brim.

Full of joy.

Of hope.

Of love.

I think: Let this glorious day begin.

And it has.

 

 

Think Small. Do Big.

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You can make a difference.

You can.

And I know you want to.

But so many of us hold back because we associate making a difference with some big, grand gesture, like bringing peace to the Middle East, finding the cure for cancer or winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and overlook the fact that we can do good right here. Right now.

You could purchase a gift certificate for a local restaurant and give that as a gift to a neighbor. You are helping a small business stay afloat, and giving your neighbor an evening to remember.

You could volunteer at your local community kitchen or food bank, and bring some non-perishables along to donate. Do it often enough and you’ll form new relationships and new insights about others, and yourself.

Take your neighbor kid under your wing. You know, that kid you’ve known since he was a toddler who just graduated from college? You know he’s struggling to find his first job. Be his mentor, and help him get his start in the world.

Offer to set up a Christmas tree for the elderly widow down the block, even if you don’t celebrate Christmas yourself.

Hold the door open for the pregnant woman pushing the twin stroller through the door at Starbucks.

Allow the guy with the left turn signal flashing to merge in front of you.

Make dinner for your family.

Look  people in the eye and listen as they talk. Really listen. And keep your phone in your pocket.

Be the kind of person you’d like to be friends with.

Go out of your way to be of help and assistance.

Right now, you’re saying, “Platitudes! Doesn’t she know what my work is like? I don’t have time to do any of this!”

The 10 seconds it takes to hold the door open for that woman at Starbucks – no skin off your back, huh? You can do that little thing, can’t you?

And by doing so, what do you usher into the world?

For that woman, the awareness that she is not alone fending for herself and her children.

For you, the realization that you have the capacity to help others.

And suddenly the world is not so big and unconnected.

And the world is not populated with enemies.

But by friends.

And your blood pressure lowers to a manageable level.

And you have a smile on your face.

And you have created good by doing one small thing.

At this time of year, there’s a lot of scrambling and purchasing and expectations and unmet expectations and your stress level can be through the roof.

But not if you focus on the little ways you can make a difference in other people’s lives every day.

Put a quarter in someone’s meter.

Buy a Christmas tree from the varsity baseball team so they can travel to the state tournament next spring.

Arrange for Karate lessons for you and your kid.

Hug your wife for no particular reason other than to connect in that moment.

Tell him you love him.

Tell her you admire her.

Think really small.

Do really big.

 

 

 [photo courtesy: Grace Woodward]

4-Step Holiday Survival Guide

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I wonder if you’re heading into the coming “magical” Christmas week with slightly more than a teensy bit of anxiety?  So much to do, so little time.  A lot of moving parts, and moving people.  Gifts to get, food to prepare, people to be polite to (it’s that last part that’s the real challenge, huh?).

As Ricky Ricardo might say, “Ai, yi, yi, yi, yi”.

If you’re beginning to feel like all you have to do is endure the next week, take a deep breath.  This 4-Step Holiday Survival Guide will turn things around for you.

Oh, it’s possible.  Yes, I know your track record.  I heard about the year with drunk Uncle Ralph, well… ralphing.  I recall the Christmas of Misplaced Nuts and Bolts.  And, of course, the never to be forgotten Year of the Stomach Flu.

Four things.  That’s all you have to remember to not only get through this week, but to really enjoy it.

1. Have no expectations. This doesn’t have to be a Christmas to remember (great song, but sorry, Amy Grant).  The more you push to make it “magical” the less likely it is going to be magical.  You might have an expectation that the True Christmas Experience means handsome mother and father in matching Christmas sweaters sipping a hot toddy before the fire while their well-behaved children play quietly and reverently with their well-appreciated new toys.  Honey, unless you live in Stepford, I don’t think that’s going to happen. Everyone has wild cards in their families. A puppy. Or toddlers. Or teens. Or Uncle Ralph. I’m just sayin’.

If you’re single, or newly divorced, or newly partnered, or newly widowed, holding this unattainable expectation of the fabled True Christmas Experience in your heart and mind will only bring you suffering.  Drop it. Love what you’ve got. Oh, of course, recognize the learning in the yearning and work toward getting some of that – connection, belonging, love, perhaps – into your life another way.  Maybe by volunteering at the food bank or mentoring a struggling reader.  Remember: You can create what you want.

2. Be present. I mean:  when you’re with people, look them in the eye.  Participate in conversations.  Help with the dishes. When you’re checking your office email, or mentally checking off your to-do list, you’re not really “here”. You’re “there”.  When you find yourself with alone time during the holidays, be equally present. With yourself.  Feel how you feel.  Pay attention to the book you’re reading.  Really taste your food.  If you’re present to yourself, you’ll be a fuller person, and, voila!, much happier.

3. Find the fun. Let’s just say it out loud – the holidays are hilarious. You are making the stuff of family legends, folks. To tell you the truth, memories of the unintended humor inherent in Christmas gatherings can keep me going through the dark, cold days of February, like when Andrew ate potpourri, thinking it was a snack (priceless).  Or, like the time my friend Karen and her family woke to the sound of “Crash (tinkle, tinkle, tinkle)” to find the Christmas tree had toppled, the ornaments had all broken and sappy tree water had run all over the gifts (OK, they laugh about it now). Oh, and remember that spontaneity can be an instant fun creator.  Have a snowball fight.  Or a margarita party.  Dance.  Do the Wii with great-grandma (I bet the old girl could nail Beatles Rock Band).

4. Give generously, not reciprocally. Yes, this is the lesson Scrooge finally learned, and we all know it because we saw the Bill Murray movie. But times are still tough for a lot of people, and what matters most is that you be the kind of person you want to be this Christmas. Want to send something to your nieces and nephews? Go ahead, do it – even if their family can’t reciprocate.  And you don’t have to give Things – you can give time.  Trust me on this one, even teenagers appreciate it when someone makes time to listen to them.  Give because you want to be a giving person.

Oh, and don’t forget to give something to yourself this year.  I mean it – find a little something that will buoy your spirits, and give you joy.  Wrap it up and put it under the tree.  Or give it to yourself in a quiet moment of reflection.  It can be as low-cost as the gift of a nap.  Or as expensive as a new car.  Choose what feels right. Because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.

When you hold Christmas in a clenched fist of direction and control, or focus on the keeping and settling of scores, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation you’re setting up. And you’ll have a lousy week.  So, lighten up.  Relax.  Enjoy.  And sing along as great-grandma belts out “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”

She’s gonna nail it.

 

 

Christmagical

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IMG_2109

 

I have the most fabulous teenaged daughter. Sure, she turned to me recently — we were at the Gap and I was singing along with Mick Jagger, doing my best version of the White Woman’s Boogie — and asked, “Were you born embarrassing?” OK, I don’t hold that against her. She’s almost thirteen. She’s supposed to find me utterly embarrassing. It’s her job.

She’s on the cusp of a life passage — less child, more woman. As a result, she sees things from both perspectives. Both wise and wondering.

The other day as we turned a corner we spied lavish and ornate Christmas decorations. She exclaimed with the absolute delight of a child, “Mom, it’s Christmagical!”

Would that we all could look at this time of year as magical. But it’s hard, isn’t it? So much to do. Get a tree. Get it off the car, into the house and on the stand. Haul out the decorations. Well, first you have to find them among the clutter you piled over them in the last twelve months. And buy a new package of those little hooks. Decorate the tree. Get gifts. Special, meaningful, perfect gifts. Wrap said gifts. Mail gifts. Shop for food. Cook food. Bake cookies.

Don’t get me started on The Christmas Card Process. Or How To Fake Holiday Cheer To Get Through Yet Another Christmas Party.

Adult life is not very Christmagical.

This is the point where I could write about The True Meaning of Christmas, but I’ll leave that to Linus (A Charlie Brown Christmas really says it all).

No, I’m going to say this: to really experience the fullness of everything Christmagical you just have to do one thing. You have to be open to unconditional receiving.

You have to be able to turn a corner and gasp because the decorations you see are so beautiful.

You have to allow yourself to tear up when you hear Vanessa Williams sing “Go Tell It On The Mountain.”

You need to get to the place where you accept whatever’s offered you with grace, and kindness, and an acknowledgment that other people are probably doing the best they can.

You have to be willing to let this great big, loving world we live in penetrate your grown up shell, and lift your heart.

You have to remember what it was like to be almost thirteen at Christmas. Remember what it was like to straddle childhood and adulthood — and allow yourself hold on to the best of both in your life, right now.

That’s when you will receive the greatest Christmas gift possible. And, it will be truly Christmagical.

It will be, quite simply, a very merry Christmas.