Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

attitude shift

Quietly Desperate

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It must have been in high school where I first heard the famous Thoreau quote:

“The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.”group of people waiting in line, back view

At fifteen or sixteen, I’m sure I had no clue what Thoreau was getting at. For one, I was not a man, and, for me, “desperation” meant calling that cute boy from third period and hanging up in a fluster the moment he answered the phone.

Today, although I am still not a man, I have a better sense of Thoreau’s sentiment.

And I see it quite often in people who come to me for coaching. They will tell me that things are stuck, or stale. That they can’t seem to make progress, can’t get a break, can’t overcome the forces aligned against them.

So, they stay where they are, hung up and quietly (or not so quietly) desperate.

When you think about the last hundred years in the developed world, there’s been such a seismic shift in the way most of us live our lives. Then, so many of us were union members who worked in factories at the mercy of time clocks and management bullies. The average worker learned to report, do his or her job and keep out of the cross hairs of the suits with their time-wasting “improvements”.

Today, with the shift to a more service-based economy, fewer and fewer people are making their living using their muscles and brawn. Jobs today are about knowledge, customer service and adaptability.

Yet, if you grew up the child or grandchild of a working person, you might just hold onto some of the working people vs. suits sentiment.

What’s harder today is that you’re probably more like “them” than your grandparents ever were.

But the us vs. them dynamic lingers. So often I see people who still wait for permission from “them” to come up with a new idea. Who won’t dare act without approval. Who need to have a supervisor to blame when they’re stuck.

These are the truly desperate people.

And they don’t have to be.

Now, more than ever, you have to be the architect of your own career. Those who wait for an authority figure to step forward and bestow blessings and permissions will miss opportunities.

This, my friends, is guaranteed.

The other day I heard a story about a young woman who’s in her first job right out of college. She’s utterly entry-level, yet heard about a new project the brass was excited about. She did some thinking and came up with an idea, based on what she could gather about it. She wrote it up and sent it to the big boss. Who kindly wrote back to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

So, she thought some more. Brought in a friend who was also lower level and together they brainstormed another approach.

She submitted again.

And her concept is the one the very large, innovative organization is going to implement.

I told this story to someone recently who said, rather bitterly, “Millennials! They don’t know their place!”

But that’s not it at all.

No, that 23-year old woman knows that she’s not going to live a life of quiet desperation. Not her.

She’s in charge of her career, not anyone else. And to get where she knows she wants to go – she’s going to get herself there.

It’s an important lesson whether you’re twenty and just starting out, or sixty and feeling very stuck.

And the lesson is this: quiet desperation is a choice you can certainly make. But you can also choose something else.

You can choose to stop waiting for permission and start creating opportunities.

Because you don’t need anyone’s else’s permission to do that.

 

“Is It Fun?”

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A few months ago, I made a commitment to myself to start doing the Washington Post crossword every morning. I thought it would be good for my brain, and to up the ante, I made a few rules.

You know me: Michele Woodward, Rules Girl [when you know the rules, you also know how to bend them. I am just saying.]. Here are my crossword puzzle rules:

Rule 1:  Use only pen.

Rule 2:  Take only 15 minutes.

Rule 3:  If I’m not done in 15 minutes, drop it.

Five times out of six, I complete the puzzle under the rules. Which is surprisingly fulfilling. Ups my general Happy Quotient, if you want to know the truth.

And, there are one or two things I have learned from this exercise:

A. My intuition about a word is almost always right (except the other day, when the clue was “John Paul II, e.g.”  I wrote “POPE” when the answer turned out to be “POLE”. Ah, well.)

B. Sometimes an Across word is best solved by looking at the Down words that make it up

C. Challenges can be fun

That’s right, fun.  Look at me – I used the f-word.

Maybe you were raised with that wonderful work ethic that says “anything worth doing has to be hard”, which leads quite handily toward “work is hard, fun is frivolous; ergo, no fun for you, bucko”.

So you equate fun with anything but work.

Fun is tubing down the river with a cooler of beer trailing behind you.

Fun is a yo-yo tournament.

Fun is running a marathon (except for that pesky mile 21 where everything gets a little wobbly and you wonder where the fun is. The fun comes at mile 26.375, baby).

Work is a grind. Work is hyper-competitive. Work is eat-what-you-kill, dog-eat-dog, scarcity thinking writ large.

Fun and work, therefore, can never be equal.

But maybe think about it this way: work is just a challenge.

And crossword puzzles are challenges, right?

And some challenges can be fun and rewarding, and even fulfilling.

Especially if you know the rules and work within them. Kinda.

So, if my math is right, work can be fun and fulfilling if you turn the grind into a a kind of game, and you create some rules for yourself – rules you stick to.

[You may have heard of this idea of rules before. We also call these “boundaries”.]

Such as:  “I will not work on weekends.”

“I won’t waste a minute in malicious office gossip.”

“If something doesn’t go my way, I will drop it and move on rather than obsess, stew and fret.”

These are just some of mine. Just like using a pen to complete the crossword in less than 15 minutes.

You have a choice, too. You can make your own rules.

Really.

Start by asking yourself, “Is this thing I’m doing fun?” And if the answer is no, then figure out a way to make it fun. Make it a game.

Your game.

And I’m thinking you’re going to win because you made up the rules.

You winner, you.

 

$62,000

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Let’s just say you have a story going on in your head. A story something like, “I am terrible with money.” Or, maybe, “Money scares the bejeezus out of me.”

Maybe you inherited some fears about money from your mother, your father, your auntie, your granddad who struggled with money. Or didn’t talk about money. Or argued about money.

Thanks to them, and to your own experiences, you developed a story about what money is, and what money does, and who you are because of money.

Let’s say you ferociously hold on to that story – for years and years – because somehow, some way, it reinforces a much larger story:

“I’m not good enough.”

This is the story my client Elle* has been struggling with. She has her own business, and a mortgage, and a sheer terror about making financial mistakes. Because, of course, mistakes mean you’re not perfect and if you’re not perfect, you’re:

Not good enough.

Recently, as a opportunity for my Club members, Elle had a chance to do The Unstuck Process and money proved to be her biggest sticking place.

But “money” is a pretty huge category, so we took it down to the smallest, itty-bitty-est thing about her money that was a problem. Know what it was?

Ten months of unopened mail.

Ten months of envelopes that promised peril. A mountain of mail that told Elle where she had screwed up. Another place she was:

Not good enough.

To get unstuck, to prove her story wrong once and for all, Elle had to tackle that pile of pain.

We discussed the why, and the how, and the threat to her future if she didn’t do anything – that’s a vital part of The Unstuck Process. I asked her to envision her money stuck-ness continuing for two more years –  “OMG,” she blurted. Which was precisely the motivation she needed to get going. Elle left the call focused and determined. I was happy, and hopeful for her.

With Elle’s permission, the recording of our coaching session was distributed to all the Club members. And it resonated with them. Resonated so much, that one member wrote a blog post about her own struggles with mail, and money. Of course, I forwarded the post to Elle, to buck her up.

Bucked up she was, indeed. She wrote me:

“So last night I started to sort through 10 months of unopened mail. 10 months. I needed to stop every 10 minutes or so and go back and read Susan’s* blog post, just to lessen my anxiety and regain the courage to keep going. But I did keep going. I got it all sorted into 3 big piles:  Business; Personal; Trash. I didn’t pressure myself to open any envelopes. Last night’s step was just to get the stuff sorted.”

Great approach. Gentle, positive baby steps.

“This morning I went through the Business pile and opened several envelopes. There were two overdue bills, which I have now paid, and included a little note in each telling the recipient how much I appreciated their patience. I also opened envelopes from clients – that contained $62,000 in checks. $62,000. I just finished filling out the deposit slip. My head is still reeling. I am sure that there are some ugly surprises in there as well… but I’ve made a start. And I am going to continue moving forward, one envelope at a time. Whatever is in there can (and will) be dealt with…  but I know that I wouldn’t have started had it not been for your support. I have finally reached a point where I realize that I don’t need to explain myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I just need to make them right.”

Sixty-two thousand dollars.

Sixty-two thousand dollars.

Holy moly.

Sitting right there, in shopping bags stashed in the closet. For ten months.

What a discovery – her fears about money had even prevented her from receiving money.

Her actions had created exactly the situation she feared. Funny how that works.

But she’s done with all that now:

“So I wanted to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me how to gently and lovingly move forward. Thank you for showing me that there are alternatives to ripping myself to shreds over what I’ve done (or haven’t done, as the case may be). Thank you for helping me to see that I’m not some kind of financial leper that will never be ‘cured.’ Thank you for shining a light on my wiser self… and reminding me that she’s there and accessible 24/7. Thank you for believing I can do it.”

Sometimes people are skeptical about coaching. “What’s the return on investment?” they ask. Well, in Elle’s case, it’s pretty simple. She invested $594 in nine months of Club coaching, and returned a whopping $62,000 in found money. And the prospect of a happy, healthy relationship with money going forward.

I am just saying.

[Just saying, I am so very proud of her.]

*Client names are always

changed for privacy purposes

 

 

Can’t Go Back

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See this picture?  This was a great day.  A day when I was at my best. A day when I was surrounded by friends, doing something important, using all my skills.

And as much as I might like to, I can never go back.

The day was January 20, 1989.  The group picture above, from left to right – Kathleen, Bobby, Ashley, Rick, Mark, me – were the White House staff assigned to execute President and Mrs. Reagan’s departure from Andrews Air Force base, back to California and private life.  Just over my shoulder in this shot, you can see the Presidential aircraft.  The little white pin each of us are wearing?  The White House Staff pin, issued by the Secret Service, which meant we had all-access, everywhere.

It was a great day.  And a day of much change.  That morning, I woke as a member of the White House staff.  I was 28 years old, had no gray hair, and no children.  What I did have were badges, and pins, and credentials that could get me anywhere I wanted to go.  That day, I put my White House-issued radio on my hip, inserted my earpiece in my left ear and went to do my job.

And did it well.

And at precisely 12:01pm that Friday, a new President was sworn in and I was out of a job.

None of my badges, pins or credentials mattered. At 12:01pm I had no office to go to.  No work to do.  No special status.

I was just me.  Really good at my job, and unemployed.

Sometimes things change in a flash, don’t they?

In the subsequent years, I’d look at this picture and long to go back to this day, to these people.  Especially these people.  Because our team was so good at our work, and we never had the chance to do it again. Not in that configuration. Not for that President. Not at the White House. Not at Andrews.

And I want to go back for another reason, too.   Ashley lost her husband suddenly in 1998, and then we lost Kathleen in 1999 to ovarian cancer. Rick’s wife Pam died in 2007. Bobby’s in New York, I mostly see Mark on TV, Rick travels the world, Ashley is out in California.   This moment frozen in time – when we were young, we were healthy, we were so good at what we did – represents a time that was unimaginably precious. I only realized how precious much later.

Loving that time, and loving who I was then is an awareness which points me toward greater understanding of who I am at my best.  That’s the greatest gift of the past.

But now I know, as wonderful as it was:

I cannot go back because it the past only exists in memories.

You can’t go back.  This picture captures just one moment in time, and maybe the past is simply a series of moments in time.  Which by the time you note them, have already elapsed.

With so much turmoil and tumult in the world today, many of us are casting our minds back and saying things like, “I wish I still had that job.”  Or, “I never should have left that job.” Or cataloging a lifetime of “mistakes”.   I must hear it every week.  That job you loved and left?  Let me ask you this: Who’s still there? Has the mission changed? Have you changed? Is it really the same? Could it possibly be the same? Is anything the same about the time and place… and you?

No, because the precise alignment of people and place and time and mission and purpose is fleeting.

It’s like some wonderful experiment where a drop of Bobby plus an ounce of Kathleen and a measure of Ashley and a dollop of Rick and a helping of Mark and me yielded magic.  Pure magic.  True excellence.

Which is the real thing I loved about that time and place and people.

When I seek that – that one true thing – in what I’m doing now, then the magic can truly be replicated.  Anew.  Right now.  Today.

Perhaps you can learn from your longing for the past.  What’s it tell you about what you miss?  Who were you at your best, at that time of your life?  And what does that tell you that you need more of right now?

 

The Ins and Outs of Redefinition

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pictures pre-2002 021

I have always held that the most challenging times of our lives come when we face redefining ourselves.

Like when we go from being a high schooler to being a college student.

From being a college student to being employed.

Or employed by someone else to employed by ourselves.

Or from being single to being married. Or being married to being divorced.  Or widowed.

From being a kid’s mom or dad, to being an adult’s mom or dad.

From being healthy to being sick. From being sick to being healthy again.

These are the moments that vex us, because we’re required to think about who we are and who we want to be.

And it always comes just at the moment where we’ve gotten so damn comfortable with who we were.

I know you know what I’m talking about.

Often, where people get stuck is in letting go of the old, comfortable definition and making room for the new way of thinking about themselves.

It’s kinda like a special sort of roller coaster – the kind where you only ride once.  Ever gotten off a roller coaster and said, “Well, that was fun,” never intending to ride it again?  That’s like life.

You can’t go back and ride high school again.

Or college.

Or your 20s. 30s. 40s. 50s. 100s.

You get one ride. And it has plenty of twists and turns. And before you know it, you’re not where you started.

You’re somewhere new.

Allow yourself to grow, and change, and redefine.  Welcome change in all its magnificent uncertainty.

If you let it, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

Michele’s Feast

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I’ve decided that there are no coincidences – only opportunities for me to open up and learn.

Last night I found myself with unexpected time to myself. I’m sure all you single parents of teenagers understand exactly what I’m talking about. I had no plans but was utterly delighted with having no plans. My blog post was written, my to-dos all done, my day complete. I happily whipped up an egg salad sandwich and paired it with a cold glass of pinot grigio (an odd but inspired summer combo, if I do say so myself) and parked myself on the couch, remote in hand, intent on finding a movie to watch.

A movie that I picked. Me. For me. No compromising on comedy when I wanted drama.  No action when I wanted love.  It could be anything I wanted. Anything.

Ah, the delicious freedom.

There were hundreds of free options. Feeling all giddy, I only perused high definition films. Ha! Still hundreds to choose from. Then I stopped. “Babette’s Feast.” I had seen it.  Hadn’t I liked it?  It was free, so I thought, “Oh, I’ll just watch a little and if it’s awful I’ll watch something else!” [imagine the power!]

Darlings, in just a few moments, Babette’s Feast became Michele’s Feast. I was utterly drawn in.

Do you know the movie? Based on a story by Karen Blixen, the Danish writer also known as Isak Dinesen, the film follows the two daughters of an austere pastor as they deny themselves joy, love, pleasure and opportunity in order to support the work of their father. Over time, they quietly become old women, living together in rigid self-denial, keeping the memory of their father alive.

Into their lives blows Babette, a refuge from political upheaval in France. For fourteen years, Babette lives with the sisters, caring for them and for their small fishing community, mirroring their simple, unadorned life, until one day she wins the French lottery – 10,000 francs – and asks if she can prepare a real French dinner in honor of the deceased pastor’s 100th birthday.

Here’s where it gets really good.

After fourteen years of cautious living, Babette pours her heart and soul into the meal. She carefully obtains fresh fruits, exotic meats, fine wines, exquisite cheeses. She prepares the feast with care, with joy, with creativity, with expertise.

And when the meal is served, the reserved, anti-sensual, closed up, bitter, sniping guests become transformed – they actually taste their food. They enlarge their senses. They are drawn together.  They find that they love one another, and themselves.

The meal is a triumph.

And Babette is broke, having spent her entire lottery winnings on the meal.

When one of the sisters laments that Babette will now spend the rest of her life poor, Babette replies, “An artist is never poor.”

Got me right there.  An artist is never, never poor.

Then, Babette reveals that she had been head chef at a remarkable Paris restaurant, shrugs and says, “I was able to make them happy when I gave of my very best.”

Not only did Babette make others happy – she made herself happy when she gave of her amazing gifts. But wait – Babette’s final words in the film: “Throughout the world sounds one long cry from the heart of the artist – ‘Give me the chance to do my very best.'”

It’s no coincidence that I watched this film last night, because I needed a reminder that my best is all I want to do. My very best. As a woman, as a mother, as a coach, as a creator, and, yes, as an artist.

You, too, are an artist like Babette – even if you aren’t conscious of your creative power. Every day you have the chance to do your very best. Every day you have the power to live via your senses.  Every day you have the opportunity to create something new. Every day you can serve others with your creativity.   Every day. Remember that.

And, you artist, you – remember that the true richness in life is truly and utterly your own creation.


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Speaking of creation, I’ve developed a new, powerful tool – 5 Questions That Can Change Your Life. It’s a 12-page workboook designed to explore your hidden strengths and preferences and reveal purposeful action steps toward a happier, healthier, more creative life. Best of all, it’s only $5.95! To purchase and download your own copy, please go to: https://michelewoodward.com/products

A Change Is Going to Come

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I don’t know about you, but it feels like a change is coming.

Something’s in the air, and I can’t quite get my finger on it.

In the last two weeks, I’ve spoken in front of five audiences. I’ve led another three small groups. Worked with a number of individuals. I’ve talked with a bunch of friends. And all the questions, and most of the coaching, has touched on the pervasive feeling that something’s about to happen.

A shoe is ready to drop.

Do you feel it?

Don’t you want it to happen already?

Me, too.

But one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t rush waiting.

You’ve got to let it happen at its own time and its own pace.

Make the time to be quiet, and still, and listen with your heart.

And love that change whenever it comes. Whatever it looks like.

Because it’s probably going to be great.

It usually is.