Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

apologizing

What You Fear Most

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this lifetime, it’s that anything I fear finds a way to poke its head up routinely.

If I fear bursting into tears in a difficult conversation, guess what happens? I fight tears all the way through until I explode.

If I fear bombing a speaking engagement, guess what happens? I fumble, mumble and fall flat.

If I fear saying something racially, culturally, gender-ly insensitive to a person I care about, guess what happens? I’m not really present and forget that Frances wants to be called “they” and that Ashley is now Chris and I feel like a dope.

Y’all, I am a mistake making machine. And that is because I am a human being. Human beings make mistakes.

And, here’s the trick, I’ve gotten to the place where I no longer fear making mistakes. I know, right?

Because I no longer fear making mistakes – because I know I am a mistake making machine – rather than beat myself up for stuff I do wrong, I take them as moments for learning. I can appreciate the clarity that comes from a mistake. I can find the illumination. The grace.

And, of course, when I make the inevitable mistake, I know the Aftermath Process: I acknowledge the mistake, I make all repairs necessary (including apologies or restitution) and I make a promise to try my very best to never, ever repeat that particular mistake again.

Many of us fear (that word again) being told we’re wrong. It’s like being called out as the mistake making machine that we humans are is the worst possible outcome.

But it’s not. It’s simply our opportunity to learn. To grow. To do something new.

I will admit to enjoying schadenfreude – delight in the misery of others – just as much as the next mistake making machine. And, yet, I have taught myself to not live in that gloating space.

Because I know that one of these minutes-hours-days-weeks it will be my turn.

And when it happens I want you all to help me acknowledge that I screwed up, help me find a way to repair and hold me to my promise to do better next time.

Because when we hold each other this way, we are building something together, rather than tearing one another apart.

And this is a second thing I have learned in this lifetime.

What If It IS Your Fault?

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Sorry Charlie

 

Last time we talked about those of us who always feel like whatever’s happened is totally and 100% our fault.

We’re feel like we’re always wrong, so we apologize… for everything. Even for bumping into chairs.

And for those of us in this camp, the task ahead is to ratchet back the use of “sorry” and use it only when we really, really need it.

That advice is for the Apologetics in the crowd.

There’s a whole other crowd for whom sorry is important, too.

They’re the people who never, ever apologize. Never, ever accept responsibility for anything. These are the drama kings and queens who create trouble and then sneak out the side door, or lob responsibility onto bystanders.

You may recognize yourself here.

Or maybe not.

But the key signs that you might be the problem are:

  • you have a strong belief that anyone who says “sorry” is a weak wuss
  • you’re constantly telling yourself that the folks around you are too thin-skinned and/or can’t take a joke
  • things are consistently screwed up and it’s always everyone else’s fault

Any bells ringing yet?

I know it’s not easy to say, “Yep, that’s me all right!” because who wants to think about themselves as wrong, mistaken or – even – as a bully?

Sugar pop, if more than one of the bullets above describes you – it’s very likely that the problem is you.

And when it is you who is wrong, there’s a four-step process you can use. Especially if you’re going to stick around in the situation, and you’re going to stay in relationship with the people in your orbit.

When you have caused pain, you (1) apologize. Do (2) what you can to make it better. (3) Promise not to do it again. And then don’t do it again. Ever (4).

That is all you need to do.

But you have to be self-aware enough to figure out that you are the problem. This kind of self-awareness takes some work, but it really pays off.  Check this article from Forbes.com:

“Leadership searches give short shrift to ‘self-awareness,’ which should actually be a top criterion.  Interestingly, a high self-awareness score was the strongest predictor of overall success.  This is not altogether surprising as executives who are aware of their weaknesses are often better able to hire subordinates who perform well in categories in which the leader lacks acumen.  These leaders are also more able to entertain the idea that someone on their team may have an idea that is even better than their own.”  

Being self-aware enough to know when you need to apologize is a sign of strength whether you’re apologizing at home, at work, at the soccer game or at art class. Whether you’re a leader in a big organization or a Girl Scout leader. Or not leading anything at all.

A heartfelt apology is acknowledgement of your respect for the feelings of another human being. It’s a bid toward a closer relationship with another person. 

And, it’s the right thing to do.

If you have caused another person pain, or harmed them in any way, apologize. Do it quickly, openly and sincerely. And go out of your way to never repeat your mistake.

You will be the stronger for it, and you and everyone around you will be much happier, too.

It’s All My Fault

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I used to be one of those people who apologized to chairs.

Pink classical style Armchair sofa couch in vintage room

As in, I’d bump into that striped easy chair in the living room and say, “Oh, I’m sorry.”

I’d run into the table and out would pop, “Excuse me!”

Yes, I was one of those women. One of those women whose most-often-uttered-word is an apology.

And it’s a very big club.

At Busch Gardens one time, I saw an elegant older woman driving a bumper car. Every time her car so much as brushed another car, she very clearly said, “Oh, I do beg your pardon.”

She was one of us.

Over time, here’s what I learned: When you start off with “sorry” – when you take credit for everything that’s gone wrong – you’re one-down at the outset of any encounter.

You’re automatically at fault.

And then it becomes that it’s always your fault.

When anyone is in doubt, it’s you who’s always wrong.

Which is one hell of a way to make sure you get all the blame for pretty much everything.

This past week, a client had a difficult situation with herself, a business partner, a client and deliverables that went undelivered. As we talked through it, she kept saying, “It’s all my fault.” As a recovered Aplogetic, I listened with care.

“Are you sure,” I asked, “that you are the single and only reason this happened the way it happened?”

As we explored the matter, it became clear that perhaps office politics were involved, and perhaps communications between the business partner and the client could have been better.

It became clearer and clearer that while my client had some responsibility for the situation, she didn’t bear all the weight for the problems the project had faced.

Why is it that some of us are quick to take responsibility for things that are really other people’s responsibility or completely out of our control?

We say things like:

“I should have been able to make this work.”

“I should have been able to keep this from happening.”

“I should have seen this coming.”

Really? You are so strong, so powerful, so capable that there is nothing in the world you can’t do? Including stopping earthquakes, holding back tsunamis and getting teenagers to clean their room?

My, my. You are something.

So – tell me – why do you apologize all the time?

Honey, there is no way in hell it’s always your fault.

You aren’t that messed up.

You aren’t that powerful, either.

You are you. Darling, dear, goofy, sweet, kind, loving-in-your-own-way you.

And you can’t be in charge of everything. Nor should you be.

That job is way too big for little old you.

You have one job and only one job – and that’s to be the best you possible.

Look at it this way – you and I are fully and totally 100% responsible for the part we play in any situation. But sometimes somebody else is responsible for 95% of the trouble.

So, do this: Only when you know for sure that you have caused harm to another person, do you utter the word “sorry”.

Remember, chairs and tables can’t feel.

And some things are truly other people’s fault. Or just the way things in the world are at that moment.

It’s not your fault.

Save “sorry” for when you really need it. And, when you really and truly mean it.