Michele Woodward

Powerful Coaching. Powerful Results.

Managing Change

Do You Think Like An Hourly Employee?

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City commuters. Abstract blurred image of a city street scene.

 

It takes a lot to blow my mind. Really, a lot.

And recently I have, indeed, had my mind blown.

So let me tell you about it.

First, this thing kept coming up over and over again in my one-on-one coaching sessions. At first, just one person said it, then another, then three more and then – obviously, I’m lightning quick on the uptake – the shape of the thing became clear.

And I leaned back in my chair and said, “Wow.”

The realization is that some of us, even if we have a capital C in our title – CEO, COO, CFO – still see ourselves as hourly employees.

Especially if our parents were hourly employees. If our grandparents were hourly employees? Well, in that case, the mindset is often completely baked in.

So what, you ask? What’s wrong with hourly employment?

Nothing – I’ve had plenty of jobs that paid by the hour (Would You Like Fries With That?). There’s dignity, importance and purpose in working this way.

Though, sometimes, the clues we get working in hourly jobs are these:

  • The boss is the boss and I do what the boss tells me to do
  • I do my shift and that’s all I owe them
  • Work is drudgery and it’s impossible to get ahead
  • My schedule is not my own
  • I could be fired at any time for any reason so I better sit down, shut up and look busy

These clues add up to an attitude we take with us when we move into a salaried role. I’ve seen it so many times, manifested as:

  • Being fearful of (and overly deferential to) leadership
  • Not taking a stand or having an opinion
  • Working to the clock
  • Anxiety, depression and uncertainty

Other folks take it in a whole other direction. They make it:

  • “I’m being paid so much money – I have to give this job everything I’ve got!”
  • Fearful of losing the job they never believed they could have
  • Working with no boundaries
  • Anxious about having sole responsibility for decision-making
  • Impossible to have difficult conversations with subordinates
  • No or limited interests outside of work

Now, of course, this doesn’t affect every hourly employee who’s ever moved into a salary role and not everyone responds the same way.

But enough do that it warrants a little exploration, if you ask me.

Because I have seen people sabotage their careers because they haven’t been able to make the mental jump from “someone who does what other people tell them to do” to “I tell people what to do.”

They can’t seem to figure out how to move from “I am on a tightrope over a chasm of failure” to “Mistakes happen and my role makes it possible for me to learn and lead regardless.”

It’s a big leap from “I’m a cog in the machine” to “I run the machine.”

Most of us will work for years and years. My Social Security summary shows that I paid my first FICA tax in 1977 (from an hourly wage job!). Assuming that I continue working until I’m 70, that’s a work life spanning 53 years. Fifty-three years, darlings.

That is a long time to simply survive.

It’s enough time to realize that each of us what we learned in the past may have suited us in the past, but today is today. And it’s completely fair to consider: What works for me today?

Could it be appreciating an hourly past but living right now, in these circumstances?

Maybe it’s creating a life and a career that works not only for you but for the people you’re connected with – family, friends, colleagues and superiors alike.

I believe it’s also the satisfaction that comes from knowing, regardless of all the obstacles, that you’ve persevered and made a difference.

All of us owe it to ourselves to know where our feeling of limitation and anxiety is rooted and then pull up the roots and take a hard look.

If your ancient, inherited attitudes toward work are holding you back from being fulfilled and happy (which you can be even with work that’s challenging) then perhaps it’s time to toss those old roots onto the compost pile and start planting new seeds. And my hope is that they flower as a new way of being – and success – in your own +50 year work life.

 

 

 

Hey, Michele! Write About This!

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Painted in Waterlogue
 

You know me. I aim to please and I want to give you something to read that will help. So I asked for writing topic suggestions on Facebook.

Renee asked me to write about myself, so here’s: What I Believe.

Beth asked me to write about knowing the value of what you do. My answer: If you can solve a billion dollar problem with one phone call, do you charge for the ten minutes it took you to make the call, or do you charge on the value of the solution? Always, always, always price on the value of the solution you bring – not what you’d value it at, but the value to the person you’re serving.

Mary Lou asked about encore careers – so here you go: Find what you’re curious about and follow that. Your encore career may be about money or it may be about meaning – but following your curiosity will always be engaging. And that’s where happiness, contentment and meaning derives. Jobs After 50

Sam asked about virtues that shape the way we live, so I say: When in doubt, be kind. That’s really all any of us have to remember.

Susan asked how to be a champion for American society in a divisive time: See my answer to Sam.

Laura asked for ideas about navigating transitions, and Beth agreed on that topic: The Way Of Transition

Then Laura brought up transcendent leadership and Nancy thought that was fascinating. It is fascinating – I’m going to write about that in the future.

Dixie suggested I take the Hunger Games: Mockingjay movie as a starting point: The Heroine’s Journey

Bill asked for a haiku:

Fear or confidence?

The difference lies between

this here and that there

Tom asked about working with Millennials. I say – you were once 28 years old, weren’t you? And you knew you had skills, and ideas, and strengths to bring to the table. So do Millennials. Let them grow and flourish. Treat them the way you would have liked to be treated when you were 28 (PS I was 28 and working in The White House. I certainly didn’t think I knew nothing and had nothing to offer –  food for thought).

Andrea suggested something about The White House: Ronald Reagan and Me

Beth said she’d like to read about how women do really have to give up something to achieve in the workplace. How about this? What Do We Tell Our Daughters?

Laura piped in again and asked for a recipe:

Recipe for the Easiest, Tastiest Salad Ever

Get yourself a ripe avocado. Test for ripeness by smooshing your thumb into the skin – if it gives a lot and squirts green goo all over your hand: overripe. If you press and sprain your thumb: not yet ripe. “Ripe” is right there in between those, and only lasts for 27 minutes, so act fast. Get yourself a ripe tomato just about the same size as your avocado (which is now 1 minute less ripe). I prefer the gnarly heirloom tomatoes over any other type but you go ahead and choose. Cherry tomatoes will work, beefsteak tomatoes are fine, but Roma tomatoes? No bueno – too dry. Romas are figurative tomatoes, best used only in winter to jog the memory of what real tomatoes are like.Get yourself one green onion and chop up about a tablespoon or one stalk. We call this “stalking”. OK, chop up your tomato and put it in a bowl. Dice up your avocado. I do this by halving the ‘cado and then cutting lines in each half crisscross then scooping into the bowl. Kind of McGyver-ish. Throw in your chopped green onion. Salt, cracked pepper to taste. Then, the piece de la resistance, toss with vinaigrette – a tablespoon or more, depending on votre desir. You can use bottled vinaigrette (I like the La Martinique True French Vinaigrette) but you can also make your own or choose another dressing. Or scotch. Scotch might work in a pinch. Toss, toss, toss, like a starlet after a night at the Chateau Marmont. Let it sit for 10 minutes if you can wait that long, then eat. Eat with joy! Eat with abandon! Eat with a spoon! Bon appetit!

And then the very same Laura mentioned pay equity. That Laura has a million ideas!

Ann asked about workaholism as a way of life. And, for the record, I am against it. You miss too many beautiful sunrises and baby steps if all you do is work.

Bonnie brought up being thankful. Which I am, especially at 3 a.m.

Debbie offered a reminder about how to Go Big. And I’ve got this: The Perils of Thinking Big

Daniela, who lives in Europe, asked about dealing with the threat of terrorist attacks. I offer: Don’t give up hope that good will ultimately win, people are basically good, and more people run toward a crisis to give help than run away.

Rose asked about how to keep your mind, body and spirit open to new ideas and experiences. Which, if you know Rose, you know she’s doing every day. And her question made me think about this: An Ocean of Possibility

John suggests connectedness. I suggest: How Are You Connected…To Yourself?

Maureen offers how to be truly happy. OK, I got that: Change One Thing To Be Really Happy

Bruce, who observed me wielding a Toro blower, suggests managing autumn leaves. He’s a pistol. And a great next door neighbor.

Gretchen asks about the best advice I was given as a young woman. It was: Be nice to the support staff.

Sarah asks about how job interviews have changed and what to remember when you’re walking into an interview. How about: The Best Job Interview Question Ever

Thanks to everyone for playing. See you next time on “Hey, Michele! Write About This!”

 

 

 

Men, Pizza and Opportunity

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PizzaLet’s say you’re sitting there in front of a lovely, hot, cheesy, delicious pizza.

It’s gorgeous. And you’re the only person in the room. It’s all yours!

Wait, what’s that? Someone you don’t know comes to the table and stands there. In your head, warning bells are going off – are you going to have to share? If you give that person a slice of pizza, how much will be left for you?

For the sake of argument, let’s say your office rules mandate that you have to give a slice of pizza to anyone who asks. So you grudgingly give a slice to the newcomer and sulk a little bit now that you’re left with one less piece of that gorgeous pie.

Your pal George comes in and of course you give George a slice – ha, ha! you have to! it’s the office rule! – and he takes the seat next to you.

You and George eat two slices each. It’s a great day.

But, the pie has gotten pretty small. It’s more than halfway gone, in fact.

You start to panic, and think about hiding the pizza. It’s against the rules to hide it, but it’s a really great pizza and you’ll no doubt be hungry some day – who knows if there’s ever going to be any pizza in your future? You and George begin to talk about ways you might lock the door, off-shore the pizza, or use metrics and analytics to make the pizza impossible for anyone else to understand, and, therefore, beyond the reach of their grubby little hands.

Just then, the person you gave the first slice to comes back into the room.

You tense up. Who is this woman!? She can’t possibly want more pizza!!

Wait, what’s that she’s carrying? It smells fantastic. Why, it’s a NEW pizza, one she made after having tasted yours!

Yes, having tasted that great, cheesy slice of pizza – she’d never been invited into that room before – she began to think, “What if we could make a pizza with sausage, mushroom and onions? I wonder what that would be like?”

Her pizza looks amazing. You have a slice of hers, and so does George.

Heads nod in agreement – this is one swell pizza. It was so smart of you to give her that first slice!

Through the door come three other people who had met the woman earlier. She taught them how to make pizzas, too, and this new group have invented a pizza with ham and pineapple, and another with chickpeas for gluten-free people, and one with – get ready for it – melty cheese in the crust!

You are astounded, and have one slice of each. Now, you’ve eaten two slices of your original pizza, and one of each of the new pizzas. Beyond your obvious bloat and need for a Tums, what are you left with?

A very satisfying experience. See, by giving up one slice at the beginning, you’ve received back four slices. Plus, you still have three slices of the original pie.

You have a pizza surplus.

And this is precisely how we’re going to get more women and people of color in leadership roles in organizations around the world.

Hang with me for a minute. Since 85% of US executive officers are men, it’s the guys already in the room who can make the biggest difference. They are the ones who can make sure everyone gets a slice of the pie on the table – by being aware of what happens in terms of growth and innovation when everyone is included and exposed to opportunities.

It’s totally counter-intuitive: Giving an opportunity takes nothing away from your own experience – rather, being generous actually creates multi-fold and plentiful rewards.

Remember the pizza surplus.

So, does it matter if there are more women in the C-suite? More people of color? More inclusion? Isn’t what I’m talking about just a grabby redistribution of power?

To my mind, it’s not about a power grab. It’s about this: Today’s fast-paced, highly changing world requires all-hands-on-deck solutions. All hands. Male hands, female hands, people of all hues, beliefs, backgrounds and experiences.

We’re all a part of the solution.

Which, come to think of it, simply means more a lot more pizza for everyone.

 

(thanks to the Washington Post’s Max Ehrenfreud for the pizza analogy in his piece here.)

One Fact And One Idea

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HarperThe CEO said to me last week: “If people are so unhappy, why don’t they leave?”

I shrugged. Because I don’t know why people stay in jobs that are wrong for them. In work environments that are toxic. In places they don’t grow.

(For that matter, I don’t know why people stay in neighborhoods they hate married to people they loathe driving a car that makes them crazy, either.)

I am here to tell you – in general, people tolerate way too much.

And it’s weird.

Maybe we tolerate way too much every single damn day because down deep we think we’re not powerful enough to change things.

Or we’re not sure we’re really so unhappy. We worry that maybe we’re misinterpreting things. Or maybe we’re the whining and complaining crybabies our big brothers always said we were.

And then there’s “this economy”, which always seems to be spoken of in an anchorman’s voice, like some gigantic warning of looming danger.

But maybe it’s really because we’re terrified of change. What if we do go through all the trouble to do something different and… it’s worse!

These are the big fears people share with me.

I’d like to give you one fact and one idea to consider if there’s something you’re putting up with day after grueling day, and can’t seem to find the heart to do anything about.

Fact: The economy has changed. Where in 2009, US unemployment stood at a staggering ten percent, it’s even more amazing that right now in my home state it’s at 4.5%.

That means now is the best time in years to find a new job.

(It also means that now is the best time in years to ask for a raise because brass will have to pay more to retain the best talent.)

(If they haven’t gotten this message yet, they will as soon as they can’t fill a key position.)

(Just sayin’.)

Now for that idea I was telling you about.

Idea: Professional baseball players suit up for a game in the uniform of the team they play for. Whether they’re a National or a Diamondback or a Mariner, they wear the colors and play for the team – knowing full well that even in the middle of the game they can get a call saying they’ve been traded to another team.

And the next day, even though it might be hard, they suit up in an entirely new uniform and play for the new team.

For these professionals, it’s less about the team and more about the position they play. They know they can – and will – be a great first baseman for any team.

This is what you need to understand. 

Rather than consider your employment as a lifetime commitment you cannot break, think about it as a baseball team. As long as you play for them, you’re going to hustle and do a good job. But you can – and will – do an equally good job for any other team.

Because you are a very good first baseman.

When you need a change, make a change.

There is no need to tolerate a sick workplace. There is no need to fear something new.

There is only opportunity in the economy right now.

It’s time to get in the game.

 

All Together Now

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Sometimes, vector seamless pattern with a large group of men and women. flawhen tough decisions need to be made, you need to go back to basics.

I was talking with a woman the other day who was facing a thorny decision in her work. Should she or shouldn’t she? Worrying, ruminating and floundering, she turned to me and said, “What do I do?”

Shoot, I didn’t know. But I did ask one question, “At this point in your life, what’s your biggest priority?”

And she paused.

A longish pause.

Then she started to laugh. “No one has asked me that through this whole thing. I haven’t even asked myself that!”

And just like that, the path forward opened up. She knew what she was going to do – which wasn’t going to be easy, but it certainly was very clear.

I tend to ask clients-in-crisis like this to think about their priorities and their values. What’s important? What do they value the most?

It used to surprise me that nearly every person used the same words to describe at least one of their top values – words like Connection, Belongingness, Together, To Be With, Team.

I’ve learned that for so many of us it’s the connection with others that really gives our lives a sense of meaning.

And yet so many of these same people tell me that the workplace is the last place they can expect to find real, authentic belongingness.

Last week I spoke with a senior guy at a huge multi-national company. Part of our work together has been deciphering the world-class, sharp-elbowed office politics played within the organization.

Now, the higher up the leadership pyramid you go, the more intense the office politics get in most organizations – elbows are much pointier and jabbier.

My senior guy was telling me how the people one level above him act at meetings. “They never participate,” he said. “They just sit there with their fingers templed in front of them and say, ‘Thank you for your input. We will be getting back to you.’ Where’s the collaboration? The connection? The sharing of information? I feel like a sitting duck because I never know if I’ve made a good presentation or not. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing because I don’t have all the information! Are we working for the same company, or not?”

Ah, Grasshopper, what you see here is a blatant power play. What you observe is information hoarding. And – I’ll go even further – it’s bullying.

Last summer I led a webinar for the Harvard Business Review on bullies and jerks in the workplace. It turned out to be one of the most popular webinars HBR has ever offered – which is great and at the same time, very sad.

In that webinar, I defined a bully as someone who tries to keep you from being able to do your job and/or tries to crush your sense of self.

My guy’s senior colleagues with their templed fingers think they are playing politics but in reality they are blocking collaboration, making things harder than they have to be and killing the efficiency of the group. They have learned to be bullies.

Perhaps they do this under the mistaken belief that powerful people behave a certain way. It’s a bit of John Wayne with a smidge of Clint Eastwood and just a soupçon of The Donald. You know who I’m talking about – a solo contributor with power, who leaves people trembling in his wake. Who has no time for other people unless they’re passing him ammo or a whiskey bottle.

You know the guy. And this archetype may have worked in a different day and age, with a different generation. But, today, it’s in direct opposition to what most people crave in their work.

They want togetherness. They want feedback on their impact, reflected in their connection with friends and colleagues – probably because formal feedback processes aren’t really working.

The best leaders today know this.

They know that there’s a new yardstick for measuring leadership effectiveness, and it’s not how many people stand up when you walk into a room. And it’s not about how much information  you hoard.

It’s about how well the people who work for you perform.

It’s about what they accomplish.

It’s about their efficiency and their impact.

It’s about how they collaborate, belong and connect.

So if you are a leader in an organization and you have a tendency to hoard information, to temple your fingers, to be a lone wolf?

You’ve gotta knock that off.

Start collaborating. Share. Ask questions. Listen. Seek advice.

Provide an environment where your people can connect and belong. Give them a way to find meaning.

And if you do, here’s the promise: You will have more productive people, better teams, greater impact and more success.

Together, connected, with, belonging – those are the words, and the only way we’re all going to move forward.

 

Change One Thing To Be Really Happy

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If you ask what’s my baseline, fundamental belief about the world, I’d have a fairly simple answer.
strawberries

You see, I believe that there are really only two ways to go through life.

You’re either someone who believes (let’s call them Camp A) that there’s never enough and you can’t trust anything, or (Camp B) you believe there’s plenty to go around and you trust most things.

Camp A’s motto is “I got mine. You go get yours.” Or maybe it’s “I got mine and now I’m going to prevent you from getting yours because there may not be much left and I may want more tomorrow.”

Camp B’s slogan is “I got mine. Want some?” Or maybe it’s “I see you don’t have any. How can I help?”

Since they don’t trust – anything – leaders and managers who come from Camp A tend to micromanage, bully and disparage. They push overwork, over-achievement, over-delivering because it means more for them! But there’s never really going to be enough because “enough” doesn’t exist in their mindset, does it?

Now, people who come from abundance and trust are quite different. As leaders and managers, they mentor, teach and lead by example. They know that trusting employees to work from home or take twelve weeks off after the birth of a baby is an investment in their people’s  quality of life and creates high-performing, committed workers.

So, in shorthand:

Abundance means there’s always enough.

Lack means there’s never enough.

Trusting that things will work out for the best means that they often do.

Trusting that things will always go south means that they often do.

The camp you fall into on this defines the quality of your life and the richness of your experience.

Best-selling writer Jonathan Haidt, who’s been called a “top world thinker”, wrote a book called The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom in 2006. In the book, Haidt offers a formula for achieving happiness, represented by:

H = S + C + V

(Math! In a Michele Woodward blog post! Alert the media!)

H stands for your overall happiness. S represents your “Set Point”, C is the conditions of your life (do you have a long commute? A happy marriage? A leaky roof? A bum knee? A beautiful garden?) and V stands for the voluntary things you choose to do (anything you do that brings meaning or brings pain).

And, of course S is all about whether you come from abundance and trust or lack and fear.

The interesting thing is that simply changing one part of the formula makes a huge difference in  your overall happiness. Want to guess which one?

That’s right, diligent readers – your set point makes up the biggest part of your overall happiness. So, while you can change the conditions of your life by moving closer to the office, fixing the roof or getting physical therapy for your knee, and you can certainly choose to do more meaningful things, but the real payoff comes from shifting your set point.

Whatever you can do to let go of fear and allow more trust will pay off.

Whatever you can do to remind yourself that there’s plenty of good stuff out there for you will pay off.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Seems like there are plenty of people who will invite you into Camp A, ask you to take a chair and settle in for a long, long sit. They’ll also tell you that people in Camp B are foolish, naive and stupid because the world is a hard place and you have to fight and scratch to get what you need in this life.

But I’ll tell you something – people in Camp B are happy. They really are, profoundly and innately. And they can be productive, successful and at the top of their game. Their lives are not struggles – in fact, their lives seem inordinately lucky, kind of effortless and even blessed.

It’s pretty sweet.

So, how about this? How about you start your membership in Camp B today? Start by noticing when things go your way. Keep track of times when there is more than enough. Remember that all trust begins with trusting yourself – so do what you can to stop the second-guessing, the self-doubt, the self-disparagement.

Step by step, move by move, opportunity by opportunity, you will build your trust that the world is actually full of wonderful things for you, and for others.

There’s plenty of room in our tent here in Camp B, and there’s space for you right here next to me.

Is It Me?

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IMG_3973

 

See this book right here? The one looking like a sticky-note hedgehog?

This book, No One Understands You And What To Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson has just entered the pantheon of Books I Recommend Most Frequently.

Honestly, it’s terrific. And applicable to so many situations:

If you are starting a new job and want to make sure you get off on the right foot – read this book.

If you are often the number two candidate for a new position and want to make sure you’re the number one next time, read this book.

If, like Rodney Dangerfield, you don’t get no respect, read this book.

If you went to night school to get an advanced degree but no one in the office sees you as anything other than the former intern, read this book.

If you’re a leader, read this book.

If you’re not as successful as you’d like to be, read this book.

If you’d like to be closer to other people, read this book.

If you want to understand your marriage, read this book.

If you want to understand yourself, read this book.

I mean, people, if I haven’t been clear enough: Read. This. Book.

Heidi Grant Halvorson was a guest on my late, beloved podcast Wisework because of her earlier book Nine Things Successful People Do Differently (also on my Books I Recommend Most Frequently list, btw). So, obviously, I have joined the ranks of Halvorson Fangirls.

And I completely and utterly own that.

Heidi writes about complicated research with a deft and humorous touch, which serves to make the concepts that much easier to grasp. As in:

“This may come as no surprise, but powerful people are more likely to act like selfish jerks. Research by a group of Berkeley researchers, led by Paul Piff, has found evidence of power-induced jerkiness in even the most mundane daily activities.”

Don’t you love “power-induced jerkiness” remaining unedited in a book published by Harvard Business Review Press? Halvorson goes on to use the study as a way in to understanding why the powerful are so much different from those who perceive themselves to be less powerful (Just so you know, the big difference is because they powerful are thinking about their own goals, not yours).

Made me think about the inequality discussion in a whole new light.

And that is the marvel of this book. Read it and you will see things differently. You might even make some changes in the way you are doing things, so you have greater success (what she would call being Promotion-minded) or you might make changes so you can mitigate the chances that you’ll be misunderstood in high-stakes situations (that’s Prevention-minded – see, I learned something!).

Regardless, this book is a keeper. It’s practical, thoughtful, funny and purposeful.

In short, I liked it. Very much.  

I believe you will, too.

 

A Blast From The Past

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Baby Michele

 

When you look back, what do you see?

Every March, I take a look back – which is pretty natural because it’s my birthday month.

This March I’ll be turning 55 (double nickels, baby) which is older than some and younger than many. I’ve also been asked to moderate a panel for active duty and retired female military officers at a career conferencelater this week. The topic I’m moderating is “A Letter To Your Younger Self.”

Funny how everything’s coming together for me to be even more reflective this March.

In 1960, when I was born, the world was a much different place. Global population was about a third the size it is today, and it felt like there was plenty of open space here and out in the galaxy. We were a year away from a visit to space – the Soviet launch of Yuri Gagarin into Earth’s orbit followed closely by US astronaut Alan Shepard, in a demonstration of the competitiveness of the Cold War.

How surprised would the world have been in 1960 to learn that the Soviet Union would crumble and capitalism would come to Communist nations?

When I was born, the U.S. had segregation – Dr. King had yet to march across the Edmund Pettus Bridge, and even though Brown vs. Board had been settled, few schools had been desegregated.

Could we even have fathomed the relative ordinariness of seeing people of color as CEOs, Presidents, politicians, doctors, lawyers and professors not only in the US, but around the world?

Women, in my childhood, had a slim choice of jobs if they wanted to work: nurse, teacher, secretary, waitress, domestic help or bookkeeper. Even the brightest women faced a thick, impenetrable glass ceiling.

Small Michele might not have believed what’s possible today. Had anyone said that she would grow up to work with executives around the world who want to get better at their jobs, and that she’d do it from home, most often wearing yoga pants and a fleece pullover, while making a very good living, Wee Michele probably would have asked:

“What’s yoga?”

But some things today are exactly the same as they were when I was born. And these are things I’m exceptionally glad for:

People still fall in love.

Folks still have best friends.

Most of us offer help when we see someone in trouble.

Children smile and the world is all right.

We cheer for the underdog and applaud our heroes.

We laugh at each other’s jokes.

Songs are sung.

Meals are shared.

Lips are kissed.

Yes, we humans still see possibilities.

We still make things happen.

We still believe.

And after all these years, and all that change, that’s the world I believe you and I really want.