Let me throw some stats at you:
The average American woman stands five foot four and weighs 164.7 pounds. She wears a size 14. Her waist measures 37 inches.
The average American man stands five foot nine and weighs 195 pounds. He wears a size 44. His waist measures nearly 40 inches. (CDC stats)
And,
The recent economic downturn hit men harder than women. Forbes says, “The share of men in the United States with a job is at its lowest point ever.” And forty percent of working wives are the family breadwinner according to the Chicago Tribune.
Now, allow me to pull in some other interesting data for your perusal. According to research at Boston College, the accepted societal norms for women are to be:
Nice.
Thin.
Modest.
Use all available resources on her appearance.
Men are supposed to:
Be in emotional control.
Put work first.
Pursue status.
Be violent.
I learned this from a powerful and straightforward new TED talk by Dr. Brene Brown on the subject of shame, and vulnerability.
What got me thinking while viewing Dr. Brown’s new talk is the wide gap between what we expect ourselves to be and who we really are.
Women should be thin – but the reality is that most of us are not a size zero.
Men should put work first, and pursue status, but the recent recession put more men out of work than ever before. Hard to put something first when you don’t have it, huh?
Women should be modest, which I figure means quiet, self-effacing and non-confrontational. Exactly the recipe for career success, don’t you think?
And speaking of time, what working mom has the time or energy to put all available resources on her appearance? I don’t know about you but I find it’s easy to spend money on my kids’ clothes, shoes, haircuts, dermatologists, orthodontists and dentists, and if there’s any money left maybe I’ll get myself a new t-shirt on sale at Target. Maybe.
Yes, the gap between who society says we should be and who we are is often quite large.
And it’s right in the gap that shame nestles.
Shame keeps us a far distance from feeling real happiness and fulfillment. Because it’s shame that says, “There is something profoundly, critically wrong with you. You should be different than you are.”
[There’s that word again – Should.] You all know I have no fondness for that particular word. Because The Word That Must Not Be Named usually comes from an external source, and often is in conflict with what’s truly best for us.“You should be a doctor.” says your father, even if you have it in your heart and hands to be a glassblower.
“You should be thin if you ever want to catch a husband,” says your mother, even if she’s heavy herself. And her sisters are heavy. And her mother was heavy. [And they’re all married, btw.]
If shame has roots in the conflict between what’s expected and what’s real, then shoulds are its potting soil.
Now, here’s what I know – if you can break the Should Habit, you’ve got a shot at breaking the round-and-round shame circle.
And it’s easy. Stop shoulds by simply substituting a wonderful word – choose.
Without any shoulds in your life, you are free to choose to be that happy, outspoken size 14 bread-winning woman that you are.
Without any shoulds in your life, you are free to choose to be that fantastic at-home dad whose size 44 suits found a new home at Goodwill.
Without shoulds, you can be you. Finally. Without any shame.
That’s what I choose. How about you?
This is beautiful Michele. My mind has been exploding of late in a playground of “what if we all just showed up exactly as who we really are for a day.” I cannot imagine what that world would look like, but it’s the world I want to live in. For sure.
Really beautiful. What freedom. Thanks.
Nice article, Michele! I’m not the “average” at all, but I still beat myself up about my size (smaller and taller than the average), and about the % of resources I put into my looks (not all available of course…I don’t have nice fake nails or weekly pedis or roots done every 6 weeks like I perceive most women do), and about my assertive nature and outspoken opinions.
We’re all human. It’s sad that we’ve been shoulded all over.
Articles like this help make it easier to shift that shame into self-acceptance that I had until it was pointed out to me that it wasn’t “good enough.”
I’d call those average stats Nation wide Alarm for Immediate Change…one that each individual can easily monitor on their own…
“If everyone in the world lived like we do in America, we would need five Earths to provide the resources” http://www.groaction.com/discover/2074/fiveearth-philosophy-americans-learn-live/
“The Five-Earth Philosophy: How Americans Must Learn to Live Like Everyone Else”
Two weeks in a row: EXACTLY what I needed to read! Sure you’re not omniscient?? Thank you for all you do. . .
This is an extremely important piece Michele. Brene Brown really gets in there when talking about shame, and then her work on “vulnerability hangover” when we actually share our mixed feelings on it! But drawing out the differentials and shoulds is very smart, and necessary. Accepting the brilliance and loveliness of now is great. Someone – and we ALL know this – is going to find something wrong with themselves given the chance…even someone we’d label as the “after” picture. So, what’s it going to take? Seeing your daughter or sister stooped over the toilet with an eating disorder? Think about it – because this is really the battle we’re up against. When I had a daughter, I had to face my demons about how readily I would pick myself apart and self-critizise. They just flowed…like a fountain. I never heard my husband doing this, and there are reasons and statistics behind this. Don’t be one. Since she turned 4, two years ago, I made a vow never to criticize my body in front of her. Never. And you know…I think it’s actually sunk in on me. Amazing what happens when you’re being a role model. If you’re not going to do the right thing for yourself, there is always time to clean up your act for the next generation.
Thanks for writing this. Brene Brown’s work is so important. Many of us like to reserve this discussion for areas in our lives that are called “personal crisis”. And yet when we are authentic and real and vulnerable in all areas of our lives we are most powerful.
Dear Michele,
Now, if you could just make me about 4 inches taller…..
Love you, sweet cousin!
Frederica
F