It was a year ago today – the Sunday after Thanksgiving – that I found the lump. The lump that turned out to be cancer.
And what a year it’s been.
That Sunday, I was at the computer trying to make sense of the strange things happening to my body. Of course, I used the symptom checker at WedMD.com. [Also known as “Hypochondriacs R Us.”] One of the options it spit out was thyroid disease.
“I have a thyroid?” Seeking the best-of-the-best information, I went to the Johns Hopkins website, where I learned that my thyroid is a butterfly-shaped gland at the base of my neck, in charge of my metabolism. I put my hand there. It felt like a swollen gland. Hopkins said that if I swallowed and the lump moved up and down then it was likely I had a thyroid nodule.
I swallowed. It moved.
I freaked out.
It was not pretty. My mind raced from disastrous outcome to disastrous outcome. I spun story after story, none of them with a happy ending. Oh, I was a gray little Eeyore of a woman, muttering gloom and doom, misery and unhappiness.
But then I had to stop. Because crisis requires consistent, sustained focus. And panic trumps focus. Every single time.
And I had to focus to make my way through what was, at times, a baffling medical process.
The day after I found the lump, the medical machinery got moving with my first appointment with a doctor which led to an ultrasound of my neck which led to a fine needle biopsy which led to a meeting with a surgeon which led to surgery which led to a meeting with an endocrinologist which led to a meeting with a nuclear medicine doctor which led to radiation, which, months later, led to an outcome – disease free.
I never thought I’d say it, but I am so very grateful to have had cancer. It was a challenge I was handed, and I handled it. I’m more myself today than I’ve ever been. And I’m grateful for that.
And that’s my message to you today. Challenges will come. And they will come to you. And those you love. You may find, in that challenging instant, “To freak out, or not to freak out” becomes the question.
Freaking out in a crisis is a way to get our internal chaos to match the external chaos we face. There’s a comfort and balance in it, you know, because it’s all… matchy-matchy. But a freak out is not sustainable over the long term – panic saps your energy so you lack the ability to help yourself, or help others.
I’ve found that the ticket to managing a challenge is to freak out if you need to freak out, and do a thorough job of it. But then gather yourself together as soon as you’re able, so you can put your time and attention on whatever it is that’s facing you.
Because there is good stuff there if you know where to look.
Every challenge I’ve faced – and I’ve faced cancer, unemployment, divorce, death of a loved one – has been a moment of discovery. And, if you’re open to it, it will be for you, too.
A crisis point can be the moment when you discover what’s important to you, and the depths of your own strength and resilience. You discover who you really love, and who really loves you.
Getting the stuffing kicked out of you, ironically, provides an wonderful opportunity to become a fuller, richer version of yourself. But only if you let it. So why not let it?
Michele,
I went through the very exact thing 13 years ago when my thyroid was killed via radiation…it was also the moment that I decided I was not staying in a marriage that was sucking me dry emotionally and I would do what I wanted to with the rest of my life. It was one of my biggest blessings and I thank God for it every day.
Hi Michele,
Just what the doctor ordered this morning. Thanks for your post.
I haven’t had cancer (thankfully), but plenty of challenges, and when I can stay with what’s going on and not hide in a hole, there’s a lot of growth in that. The reminder to let ourselves move past freaking out – even though it seems so much easier – and work through the difficult times has really helped me to become more myself.
Carrie
I too, had a thyroid problem a few years ago. It was overactive. I lost 10lbs in a week. When I walked my body swayed, dizzily, as if I was about to pass out. I was given radiation therapy. I, too, am divorced. I mothered a handicapped child. She died three years ago. I had to give up my flat some months ago because I could no longer afford to pay the rent. As a result, I am sleeping on a friend’s floor…gratitude. My coaching clients have gone away..some where – I don’t know where. Oh, did I mention cardiac surgery?! Yes, that too.
Freaking out is a natural response.
All the above have been fuel. I now know why I had to experience it all. Yes, all of it and more! Why? Because I have a huge mission and without the experiences I would have very little to say; my life wouldn’t be as rich; and the programme I have just come up with would still be sitting in the dark.
I am about to run a retreat for parents and carers of ‘special’ children. It’s one of a kind. More later!
‘There is nothing in life to fear….only to be understood.’ Marie Currie
Hi Michele,
While I haven’t faced this particular type of crisis, I’ve faced others — and couldn’t agree more. I’m grateful for your perspective and for you sharing it with the world, my friend. You’re an inspiration!
All the best!
deb
I love the idea of a thorough freak out to make it easier to focus. Your story is so powerful and I’m grateful that you are well. The world needs a lot more Michele. 🙂
— Laurie
Michele, thank you for sharing this intimate story and the powerful insights and lessons gleaned from living through it.
In any situation, the clearest, strongest energy prevails. You’ve just described a loving way to trump the energy of chaos with clarity, focus and mindful attention.
Wishing you blessings of good health!
Love, Hiro
Having a sustained focus is quite the spiritual opportunity–good thing life provides us with plenty of practice!
Awesome post, Michele!
My stiff-upper-lip British background told me that freaking out and similar undignified behaviour was not okay. I’ve been practising minor rebellion ever since, but sometimes it’s good to be reminded that it’s OKAY to kick over the traces when necessary!
As those close to me know, I can do a pretty good freak out routine. Although I’m not usually proud of it, after reading this I think I should rethink that. Thanks for helping to take the stigma off the other “f” word. 🙂
Freaking out is fine, its just your body telling you that the shit is really hitting the fan. Its when you let the freakout continue that it loses its purpose, so theres no need to keep freaking out. that’s when its time for focus, for dealing/coping, for solutions even.
I kinda equate freaking out to like hitting rock bottom. you hit the panic, go oh shit! then start climbing back up again. Accept the freak out, and whats causing it, then you can start focusing on how you’re going to get past the challenges life’s put in front of you
@periferite
I love your message that a crisis can reveal powerful discoveries. Cheers to your health and thank you for sharing your story.
Wow, Michelle,
Thank you for writing and posting this blog. I have been standing at the threshold of a major and scary life change and at times it feels like I’m the only one who has ever experienced anything like it. Of course I’m not. Not even close. The energy from the superfluous freaking out I’ve done in my life could probably fuel a small aircraft carrier. And I’m supposed to be the rational on in the family! Pfft! I’m so glad we were terrible Mortal Enemies.
xoPK