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Make Mine A Whopper

December 20, 2008 By Michele Woodward Leave a Comment

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Since my kids were little, we’d back them up against the wall, ask them to stand straight and tall, and make a little line to mark their height. Today, they can stand at the same wall and see physical evidence of how much they’ve grown.

It’s much harder for us adults to see evidence of how much we’ve grown. But I got the chance this week.

Because this week I learned I have cancer.

It’s thyroid cancer, and I’m having surgery later this week to remove the gland. One dose of radiation later, and, as my surgeon chirpily said, “you’ll be cured of cancer by December 30th.”

The C-word is a toughie for so many of us. Cancer’s got a ton of “dirty pain” associated with it. Ever heard the phrase “dirty pain”? Dr. Steven Hayes, a noted psychologist, coined the term in his development of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as a counterpoint to “clean pain”.

Clean pain is the pain that naturally flows from an action or situation. You stub your toe, it hurts. You say, “Ouch.” That’s clean pain. Dirty pain is the story you tell about what happened. Like, “Geez, I am always so clumsy! What a jerk! I can’t believe I stubbed my toe! What an idiot!”

So here’s how I know I’ve changed. There was a time when a cancer diagnosis would have prompted me to take to my bed. I would have been overwhelmed, obsessive, swamped, anxious, fearful, and cranky. I wouldn’t have been able to listen to my doctors for the whirring sound of panic in my ears. I would have eaten a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie daily to soothe my mind, or treated myself to something “nice” (and stupidly expensive) at the mall.

I would probably watch “Beaches” eight times. In a row. Kleenex stock prices would soar.

I would have told myself really uplifting things like, “you brought this on by doing something wrong”, “of course you’re a loser, you got cancer”, “see, nothing good ever happens to you,” and, the whopper, “you are going to die and leave your children motherless and no one will even care.”

Plenty of stories. Stories that serve only one purpose — to extend the dirty pain, promote suffering, and keep us one-down, a victim to circumstance.

But how I took this cancer diagnosis surprised me. The diagnosis came with absolutely no story. Well, just a little story. And here it is:

I am a woman who found a lump. I had my doctor look at it. Tests were run. It’s cancer. It’s coming out.

Sure, there may be some pain after the surgery and I’ll let that be whatever it is. Right now, I’m fine. And so, I’m going to be fine until something hurts and then I’ll say “Ouch”. What’s the point of zooming ahead and feeling next week’s pain today? That will only give me two weeks of pain when I really only have to — maybe — do one.

OK, I’ll admit it, I’m slightly amazed at my own response. But it makes sense. After all the years of work and study and practice, I have arrived at a place where I can be clear and have pretty clean pain around this whole situation. It’s a rather welcome validation of the hard changes I knew I needed to make in my life. I have actually done what I set out to do. Ain’t that something?

Yep, I look at my own personal growth chart and like what I see — I’m standing tall, back up to the wall, clear and aware of exactly how much I’ve grown. Who knew having cancer could feel so good?

Filed Under: Authenticity, Blog, Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living, Managing Change, WiseWork Tagged With: ACT, cancer, clean pain, dirty pain, life coach, Steven Hayes, thyroid

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. sharon rainey says

    December 20, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    love it, michelle. you know are you in my prayers. growth is often harder to see in ourselves than in others, but good marking for yourself . . . . it’s a gift to see that!

    Reply
  2. Chris B says

    December 20, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    What a wonderful example of growth! I’m impressed, and glad that the cancer gave you the gift of acknowledging that growth. Congratulations!

    Reply
  3. Radioactivegirl says

    December 20, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    Thyroid Cancer survivor. 5 years cancer free. Praying for you!

    Reply
  4. maura says

    December 22, 2008 at 5:26 pm

    Be well, Michele! Thanks for the truthful reminder about courage of the human heart. It seems at times like this, a deeper wisdom invites us in to listen. That’s the gift. Wishing you peace and joy and calm. Maura in Portland, OR.

    Reply
  5. linda says

    January 7, 2009 at 3:42 am

    I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

    Joyce

    http://www.videophonesguide.com

    Reply
  6. Elise Touchette says

    August 31, 2009 at 12:11 am

    Wow! I’m just now reading this because of your most recent post. What an amazing testimony to the work you do with others. You do the work with yourself and you share your experience. I’m so happy to hear that you go the “all clear” from the doctor. Love it, love it, love it!

    Reply
  7. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says

    November 5, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Michele,

    First, bravo for being such a beautiful example. Second, sending you healing energy and thoughts. Third, my mom went through this and it IS fine. She’s fine. She takes synthroid now and she’s fine.

    You’re right. In life, we all put ourselves through pain (dirty pain…my new favorite phrase) that we never actually physically feel and that may never even come if we’d just be in the moment. Most of our pain is anticipatory. When we have clean pain, nobody begrudges us for MFing it, rubbing it and moving on.

    You’re beautiful and you’re healthy, whole and complete.

    Love to you!

    Dana

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. You Get To Decide says:
    April 27, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    […] Yes, things have changed. Laurie will never be a person who’s never experienced cancer. Me, neither. You may not ever have the same job title, or the same spouse, or the same little ones running […]

    Reply

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