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Either, Or & And

February 13, 2011 By 3 Comments





He looks at me across the table, eyes steady, gaze clear. “Here’s the deal,” he begins. “I hate my job – really hate it. There is no place for me to move up, it’s the same crap every day, and the people I work with are toxic.” He stops for a breath. “But I make a great six-figure income and we have a good lifestyle.

“It feels like I can’t leave the money, but I can’t stay in this job much longer.” Now, his resolve falters. “What can I do?”

Well, the first thing he can do is stop with the either/or thinking.

Thinking like: Either I do work I hate to make money I like, or I do work I like and go broke.

Notice how there’s no possible happy outcome in his mind. And I’ll tell you what – he’s not alone in that thinking.

She tells me that she loves being a full-time parent, and feels complete when she’s mothering her children. There’s just this one thing – she’s not so sure if she’s happy in her marriage. She tells me:

“Either I fulfill myself as a mother and stay in a blah marriage, or I get divorced and become a single working mom who never sees her children. I just can’t do that to my kids.”

Again with the either/or.

What you need to know about either/or set-ups is this: they allow us to justify not making any choices at all. We neatly set it up so every alternative is a crappy one – allowing us to avoid the uncertainty of change, and maintain the status quo.  Then, slowly, slowly, slowly, because of our fears, we lose our passion, our joy and our selves.

Which is really sad.

Especially since there is another way.

You knew I’d have another way.

I call it “The And Way”.

The And Way says, “I can be happy in my work AND earn a healthy living.”

It says, “I can be the kind of involved parent I want to be AND have a satisfying marriage.”

It’s “I can eat what I want AND maintain a healthy body.”

I love The And Way. And you will, too.

How do you start living The And Way?

Simple.

When you hear yourself doing the either/or thing, hold up a minute. Ask yourself this: Is that true? Of course, it may feel absolutely, 100% true. But explore. Is it really? Do you know anyone who does work they love and makes all the money they want?

Come on, you know someone who does.

You know me, don’t you? :-)

When it comes down to it, you almost always know someone who’s doing what you tell yourself is impossible. And as long as you keep this person in mind, you see that there is an And Way.

Then you just have to pursue it. Sure, you may have to adjust a few things in your life. But you just might find that adjustment liberating.

Fear of change is the most human of emotions. But it’s also the most limiting of emotions. It keeps us stuck.

Knowing that positive change is possible – that there is always, always, always The And Way – is your first step toward crafting a fulfilling and happy life.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity, Getting Unstuck, Managing Change Tagged With: , , , , , , 3 Comments

The One

October 25, 2009 By 5 Comments

She asked me, “Do you think he could be The One?”

I looked at her hopeful face and wondered how she would take my hearfelt answer — no, honey, he’s not The One. He might be a wonderful guy, and you might be extremely happy with him, but he’s not The One.

Because there’s no such thing as The One.

Despite everything you’ve been told, The One is a myth that only serves to hold us back and make us wretchedly unhappy.

Because there’s not just one person in the whole world who you can love — there are millions.

Pick your jaw up from the floor, sweetie, and bear with me here.

When you decide that there’s only one person out there with whom you can be happy, be contented, be yourself, be deeply committed with — well, you’re setting a limit. A big limiting limit.

Still don’t believe me? Ok, when you say that there’s only one person you can love, what about the woman I knew who was widowed when her young husband was killed in his tank in the Battle of the Bulge? To say that he was The One — the only person she could possibly ever love — what does that say about her second marriage which thrived for fifty years? The one in which she was happy, contented, herself, and deeply committed? Was it wrong? Which marriage didn’t count?

Is it possible that both husbands could have been The One?

Starting to understand? OK, let’s talk about this in the simple terms of abundance and lack. Abundance means having lots and lack means having very little, or, worse, none at all. Believing in The One sets up a deep, black, lack hole. Coming from a lack mindset, I think that I may only get one shot at happiness, so I better get it right. I better be picky. Or, I better hold on to a mediocre boyfriend because what if he’s The One? What if this is as good as it gets?

Abundance is just the opposite. Abundance means that there are many people I can love and be committed to. So if you hit me, or steal my money, or treat me like dirt — I’m a-walking. Because I know, deep down, that there is someone else out there I can love. Plenty of someone elses.

Now, I have to say this: I am a friend of marriage in general, and a friend of your marriage in particular. I am not saying that living in abundance allows you to have affairs all willy-nilly and be off the hook because you’re just living in abundance, dude, and all your partners are The Ones. Huh-uh.

Knowing that there are many people you can love yet acknowledging that you have chosen your spouse is how you divorce-proof your marriage.

Borrowing what I know from weight loss coaching, putting anything off limits creates a lack and only serves to place that “bad food” right smack dab at the top of your mind, increasing your desire to have that “bad food”. To foil that impulse, it’s important to tell yourself that you can have any food — but you’re choosing that which is healthy.

Imagine how different you might take an office crush with this mindset. Rather than wondering, “Maybe my spouse isn’t really The One. Maybe the office crush is The One. If he wasn’t The One would I be feeling all these feelings?”

Naturally, you’d be feeling the crush! Because he’s one of The Ones you could possibly love. But he’s just one of The Ones. Knowing that there is plenty of love available to you puts the crush into perspective and allows you to stay committed to the person you’re committed to.

And I have noticed that people carry over The One idea to their careers. Some people have an attitude that their job should be The One. Which is, again, coming from a lack place. People stay too long in jobs when they worry that maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe working somewhere else would be harder. Or worse. Or just have different jerks.

My first job out of college was great — I worked with a terrific team of peers, and I’m happily connected with them today. It was a challenging and affirming job. But had I stayed there, I would never have had the tremendous experience of working at The White House. Which was, in a word, amazing. And had I not left The White House (well, the Secret Service would have escorted me out one way or the other after the new President took office), I would never have worked for Anne Wexler and have had five inspiring and educational years with her.

And, of course, I would not be the coach I am today without all those experiences.

I loved them all. They were each The One. And The Ones keep on coming. Because I live in abundance and happily welcome them with open arms.

Oh, there are many ways to be happy, darlings. When you know that there’s is plenty to choose from — not just One, but Many — you can live in non-desperate abundance and make sound, fulfilling choices. And you’ll find yourself surrounded in love. With all The Ones that are out there for you.

Filed Under: Career Coaching, Clarity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 5 Comments

Mama Ain’t Happy

September 20, 2009 By 16 Comments

Turns out women aren’t happy.

Turns out the older women get, the sadder they become.

Turns out once she hits 47 years old, a woman’s happiness declines quite steadily.

Or so I read an article this week in the Huffington Post, written by Marcus Buckingham.

Buckingham is a smart guy — his work has transformed the way we talk about work and life by shifting our collective focus from shoring up weaknesses to centering in strengths.

I like him.

So back to this women-are-increasingly-unhappy idea… what’s the deal?

In the article, Buckingham says it’s not because women are paid less than men, although that is a fact. Nor is it because women assume more of the household chores than their male partners. Also a fact. And it’s not because women have limited opportunities. Because we have so many more opportunities than our grandmothers did.

Why are women aging unhappily?

Of course, I have a theory.

Let’s call it the Disillusionment Theory.

From the work I do with women, it seems that for a certain generation the message we got growing up was, “Be a good girl, don’t have strong opinions or talk too much, get along, be pretty enough to catch a husband, have kids and then everything will be easy for you.”

And what happens to many women by the time they turn 47? The kids you put your life on hold for are grown up and have their own lives. The husband you put through medical school left the marriage. The parents who defined you as their darling good girl have died. Your body’s not the same. The media tells you that you’re no longer pretty enough or young enough to catch a man’s eye, let alone a second husband. It’s grim.

Because your whole life you played by the rules, but in mid-life the rules seem to have changed. Life is not easy.

Nothing’s the way it should be.

But we know, and Buckingham documents, the women who find deep happiness and satisfaction despite the loss trajectory of their lives. What do they have that other women don’t?

Buckingham gives us some juicy tidbits about the happiest women — they:

* Don’t agonize over who they aren’t—they accept and act on who they are. They have discovered the role they were born to play and they play it.
* Don’t juggle—they catch-and-cradle. They don’t keep things at bay, but select a few things and draw them in close.
* Don’t strive for balance—they strive for fullness. They intentionally imbalance their lives toward those moments that make them feel strong.
* Always sweat the small stuff—They know and act on the specific details of what invigorates them (and they let go of what doesn’t strengthen them).

So, to be happy at mid-life, women have to focus on what makes them happy and do more of that. And they have to let go of what no longer makes them happy. They need to find new ways to define themselves — based on their strengths — and drop the old ways they were defined.

In terms I use as a coach, to be happy in mid-life women need to move from living in their “social selves”, concerned with What Other People Will Think, to living firmly in their “authentic selves”, which is who they are at their very core.

Calls to mind Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s famous quip, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Perhaps especially in mid-life, it’s “Well-behaved women are seldom happy.”

Y’know what? I choose happy. If that makes me appear less well-behaved, then so be it. And you are welcome to join me.

And for my fabulous guy readers — if there is a woman in your life who is approaching the happiness tipping point, what can you do? Try this: encourage her to misbehave. Encourage her to step out and step up. Throw away the old rules, and join her in making some new ones. Believe me — you will love it. By encouraging the woman you love to be more fully herself, you will be amazed at the joy and happiness that will flood your life. She’ll be more her, which only allows you to be more you.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Getting Unstuck, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , 16 Comments

Whelmed

December 2, 2007 By Leave a Comment


The other day a woman reported that she was feeling overwhelmed — she was trying to do so much that she felt she wasn’t doing anything well. Was multi-tasking the answer, she asked?

No, I answered, multi-tasking doesn’t really work. Try mono-tasking instead. Do one thing at a time. Do it thoroughly and do it well. Then move on to the next thing. Mono-tasking.

When you’re multi-tasking — trying to do two or three things simultaneously — you end up doing none of them well. Your stress level goes through the roof.

Face it, there’s just one you. You have the wondrous ability to give 100% of your attention to something. Multi-tasking asks you to divide your attention, and you end up with less than 100% on each task — and this is where errors occur… you end up spending more time fixing the resulting problems than you would if you gave the task all of your attention at the start.

Reading a memo while on a conference call when researching data and preparing a Power Point — you’re not truly engaged in any of these tasks and probably won’t have a great result. How much better to be truly present for the one minute it takes to read the memo, then participate fully in the conference call and make time later to do thorough, comprehensive research before you design the Power Point. That seems doable, manageable and calm, doesn’t it?

The opposite of overwhelmed, of course, is underwhelmed. Underwhelmed is what teachers generally feel about the work product of boys in their first year of high school. Wives are often underwhelmed by the anniversary gifts their husbands proffer — word to the wise: just because Hallmark says it’s the Paper Anniversary doesn’t mean paper towels are an appropriate gift. Hallmark is referring to the wrapping paper around the gift. Honey, every anniversary is the jewelry anniversary. That’s all you need to remember.

Underwhelm is often about our expectations of what others should be doing. And you know I have a deep dislike of the word ‘should’. In my life, I simply replace ‘should’ with ‘choose’ and feel so much happier. Rather than saying, “Charlie shouldn’t have shopped at 7-Eleven on Christmas Eve for my gift”, you can get to a level of acceptance when you realize Charlie chose to give you that box of frozen burritos — and you can ask him about that choice.

(By the way, Charlie, see above reference to The Jewelry Rule for Anniversaries. Same rule applies to Christmas. You’re welcome.)

Overwhelmed. Underwhelmed. It occurred to me this week that no one ever says, “I feel whelmed.” We’re always over or under.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to answer the question, “How you doing today?” with “I’m whelmed, thank you very much! And you?”

Whelmed — the point at which you are neither over nor under. You are not fruitlessly multi-tasking. You are balanced. You are paying appropriate attention and spending appropriate time on your tasks.

You are whelmed.

As the holidays approach with their attendant stressful opportunities for overwhelming tasks and underwhelming performance by others — reduce your stress by choosing to be whelmed. Whelmed one task at a time.

Filed Under: Authenticity, Happier Living Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Walking The Walk

September 1, 2007 By Leave a Comment


Those of you who have worked with me know that sometimes I pull something and use it in a way it may not have been intended. I may use a marketing tool to assess your life. Or take a parenting technique and apply it to your business. The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is one of those multi-purpose tools I find myself using time and time again.

The book is designed for couples — to bring them closer together. But I have found the information especially useful in a workplace setting. Let me ‘splain, Lucy.

Dr. Chapman, a marriage counselor with over 30 years of experience, suggests that there are five primary ways people experience feeling loved. They are:

  • Physical Touch
  • Quality Time
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts
  • Words of Affirmation

    • So let’s look at each Love Language. Physical Touch people feel loved when they are in physical contact with others — hugs, pats on the back, sex. In a workplace setting, Physical Touch people must be very, very careful… but if you supervise someone who is “touchy-feely”, you may find a literal pat on the back may do wonders for his performance.

    Quality Time folks like spending one-on-one time with another person. They will make time for you, and like when you make time for them. If someone continually finds excuses to linger in your office, they might be a Quality Time person, trying to satisfy that need.

    People motivated by Acts of Service will do things for you. At home, these are people who fold and put away your laundry. Or do your dishes. Or get your car inspected, or your tires rotated. In the office, these folks might offer to get you lunch while they get their own. Or bring you a package from the front desk they just happened to spot.

    Although we’d like to think that Gifts are restricted to small blue boxes from Tiffany’s, Gifts can be as small as a cookie from a favorite restaurant, or a souvenir from a trip. Gifts people like knowing you were thinking of them when you were apart. Finally, people motivated by Words of Affirmation need to be told that they are valued and appreciated.

    Dr. Chapman says that often we speak to others using our own Love Language — which may or may not be relevant to the other person. This is how relationships get in trouble — I tell you you’re wonderful because I’m a Words of Affirmation person, and it means absolutely nothing to you because you’re an Acts of Service person. “Sweet words are nice, but what have you done for me lately?” might be the response.

    Many troubled marriages, suggests Chapman, could be saved if only the partners would speak each other’s Love Language. When you consider how many women report that their husbands never “do anything around the house” — they’re expressing their Acts of Service orientation — and how many men complain that they don’t get enough sex — they’re expressing their Physical Touch leanings — the concept of speaking Love Languages to each other becomes very clear.

    Wouldn’t it be fascinating to consider that the difficult boss you struggle with could be transformed – - if you just started speaking to him in his Love Language? Do a few Acts of Service, and diffuse the tension. Give him some Words of Affirmation and get him off your back…

    Dr. Chapman’s main point is that if you speak the other person’s Love Language rather than your own, you will fill up their “Love Tank” — increasing their attachment and regard for you — and create a happier, healthier relationship.

    I have to tell you that this really works. It works with partners, children, parents, siblings, friends and co-workers. It even works with ex-spouses! Many people have a primary language as well as a secondary one — make it your business to know the Love Language of those important to you, as well as your own, and you will greatly increase your life satisfaction. Promise.

    Filed Under: Authenticity, Career Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment
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